THE FIVE-YEAR ANNIVERSARY OF YOU ASKING ME THIS QUESTION

The new Megan Hauserman (here) show is called VH1 Tests Laws of the Cosmos and Your Patience and great god it sucks donkey balls. Somebody needs to lose their job; it's just retarded to remove plotting, devious, sexy, lazy, half-drunk Megan from her role as shit-stirrer/puppetmaster and instead make her the straight man, so to speak, among a douchepile the size of Wisconsin. And you can tell that the post team isn't getting good footage from the not-wearing-a-bikini-for-some-reason Megan, because the show's uh 34 minutes of content is wall-to-wall wienerbags and dong-smugglers in the act of basically begging for sex. First of all, get the fuck in line; secondly, shouldn't these shiny, over-groomed turds be at MOCT all obliviously attempting to show off masculine, fish-mouthed Asian chicks with really severe make-up? Sorry but if you got offended at that, you've never been to the midwest. But anyway, the runners of this show need to Megan it up! And Brandi C! Here's a guideline: In each segment, the two should rub their boobs together a lot. Look at that -- I just got producer credit! Thanks HooMiverse!

Episode two had one laugh, however, when Megan posed that classic question to the stripper guy (named The Penetrator or The Faceraper or something): Where does he see himself in five years? Late comic Mitch Hedberg owns this phrase (on 2003's Mitch All Together) and well the moral of the story is that I miss Mitch Hedberg. I had kinda folded some Hedberg funding into my yearly budget, so certain were regular Mitch shows until I die. Instead I got annual Mitch shows until he died, and next month is the fifth anniversary of the last time I saw him. He zinged us with that Krokus joke.