METALLICA AND ME: BROTHERS IN SUCK

You'd think by this point that being called an asshole and a failure wouldn't ruffle me, especially when I deserve it (always) but this time goddammit I'm really trying to come through for everybody. Seriously I am. In all facets of my professional and personal life. Is it too little too late? Does my effort have a negative effect cuz I'm a retard? Ugh.

Anyway for an encore to Wednesday's failfest, stand back as I get all angry that those rotten bastards in Metallica pull ahead in the damn fucking Bob Rock poll (on the right). It was a concession to some of Rock's most commercially successful work and a polite nod to the least shitty song on a hideously bland hard rock album for pussies. "Of Wolf And Man" is in no way comparable to the other songs (vote DLR you fuckers) in quality, from the unfinished chorus and hyper-corny hunt-themed verses to the sublimely farty Hammett solo. But then again, it's wrong to ask a question and then be enraged by the answer. So my boss and gf are right about me. Shit.

BOB ROCK, RE-GIFTER

It's long been my contention that Motley Crue's Dr. Feelgood is precisely as over-appreciated as David Lee Roth's majestic A Little Ain't Enough is neglected. The silly arena rock records share producer Bob Rock (fancy that there's a poll over there) and the presence of a thunderous should-be single ("Slice of Your Pie" and "Lady Luck," respectively). But there's more oh my yes. Rock sold to each the same riff, though cleverly hidden on late album toss-offs (shudder "Sticky Sweet" and giggle "Last Call"), and a awesome moody instrumental passage, i.e. the first notes of Dr. Feelgood (title track intro) and the last notes of ALAE (last half of "Drop In The Bucket"). Yeah I can see why Metallica hired him. But Rock was wise enough to stand aside and let the band cannibalize itself, and then the main riff on "...And Justice For All" was fed into the White Bread-izer 8000 and came out "Enter Sandman." Yawwwwwn.

BOBBY, YOUR DOUBLIN' IS DRIVING ME INSANE

The Cult's "Soul Asylum," the monster rock explosion of mega-thunder, jumped out to a healthy lead in the HooM! Bob Rock poll (under Jane under the table). But gaining fast is the Blue Murder igloo-incinerator "Sex Child" (above), John Sykes' paean to extremely underage sexual congress. The epic tune features the most memorable single musical phrase since Beethoven's fifth symphony: Yeah-yeah-ee-eh! Rock, like a fucking savante, correctly identified the Sykes bleat as a winner, and thus repeated it ad infinitum throughout "Sex Child"'s six minutes. Some times Yeah-yeah-ee-ehs call and respond to each other, overlap and echo, platoons ofpouty-lipped, frizzy blond manes proliferating like moss. Get 'em off me! Vote on the fucking poll then save yourself!