SPEAR IS THE 'HIND DRILLER

Like eight awesome records are streaming on shitty, crash-causing MySpace sites and though I got a good look at The Mars Volta's new record at work, I don't really devote valuable office listening hours to anything heavier. To squares, even Voivod sounds like the beating of a baby with a cat. I talk the talk, so my co-workers are exceptionally knowledgeable about The Crown and Testament.

What I'm getting at is I want to crank the new Suffocation, Voivod, and Darkest Hour, and yes even those fruitcakes in Killswish Engayge get their day in court. But I don't cuz sheesh for some people it's hard to work with some guy(s) grunting. Though not rocking out, at least I can get some laughs reading Dino Cazares howlers. It's so disingenuous that he's suddenly all about Fear Factory. And I'd really like to enjoy a metal band with the shapely ass of Strapping Young Lad and the fat boobs of old Fear Factory, now known as Fuck Fucktory. But that's ruined by this sub-moronic public mudslinging.

Look, I get it; with Stroud and Hoglan, FF is supercharged. But this isn't the way to do it. In fact, why not just do FF with Wolbers/Hererra and simultaneously do the all-fatass Stround/Hoglan project, The Stubbly Doublechins. That way we all win and Burton Bell will never again need to bullshit us. And holy shit am I reading this right? did Cazares actually say I could sue [Wolbers] for stealing my riffs? That is fucking baby talk.

DALLAS COYLE GET BACK TO WORRRRRRRK!

I know that the cosmos supports HooM! in our spiritual quest for unhindered internet profanity, since it's only goddamn Tuesday and yet there is plenty about which to swear irately. Like fucking God Forbid founding guitarist Dallas Coyle quitting the band less than two months after the release of Earthsblood, their fifth album. Which makes no sense. The understandably fratricidal Doc Coyle states:

It's true that Dallas has left the band. It's taken us a few days to confirm this definitely, and figure out what we were going to do considering the fact that we are starting a very important tour with Lamb Of God this week.

All I can say is that there was a mutual disagreement between Dallas and I, and the disagreement became angry on both sides, and he decided to sit out the tour the day we were supposed to leave. We later learned he did not want to tour anymore at all. Everyone in the band, including myself, was upset and shocked. 

For me, it's a lot tougher because he's my brother and I have a very close bond with him. We've done everything together our whole lives, so it's difficult to deal with emotionally, but I understand he has bigger responsibilities at home to care for. I wish he would've handled it in a different way, but I am not angry at him for leaving if he is unhappy with our situation. I really hope he finds success and happiness in his future pursuits.

In the meantime, we've recruited ex-Darkest Hour shredder Kris Norris to fill in for the tour. I look forward to playing with him, and I'm sure he will knock it out the park! Byron and I will pick up the slack with the vocals as much as we can.

Metal people, don't panic, I'm often brought in to mediate biblical schisms like this Coyle-Coyle split. Yeah I'm the one who got REO Speedwagon back together. Don't thank me now. My phone hasn't rung yet, except from those rat bastards at AT&T, but I'll go ahead and get started by ordering Dallas back into that band. This whole thing is pure nonsense. Next thing you're gonna tell me that mustard has just quit my sandwich.

SLAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE

Look I'm not trying to come at you with some rah-rah bullshit but seriously, it's a great time to be Metal. Sure, pure sales chew chodes, and yet it seems like future classic records are coming out with mere weeks between. (Or on the same buttfucking day in at least one case.) Records that we'll be talking about fondly in 10, 20, 30 years. You will anyway; I imagine someone will have angrily sewn my ass to my face by then.

That bands and their records are of such a high level of quality and creativity makes it gleefully effortless to assemble kickass tour packages. It's true, I fucking HATE going to shows with more than three bands on the bill; all those set breaks, gear changes, check one check one one hey hey hey check chee-yeck ... I start to miss Sofa. That said, hats off to Summer Slaughter, just the latest in this cavalcade of unmissable Metal tours. Of course, it's not a 2009 Metal tour until Arsis signs on then promptly withdraws. Necrophagist CRAZY Origin SEXY Darkest Hour COOL.

SCHLEIBAUM WEARS THE CROWN

The first time I saw Darkest Hour they ripped my face off. Which is fine since I was ugly as shit and am the proud owner of this pristine new face kindly donated by The Gersh Agency. Strangers are wont to lick me as I pass damn I'm hot. Anyhoo, as awesome as it is when bands make you stand there agape, wondering aloud why you didn't get into their shit earlier, there's often a let-down once you get home and play the CD you raced to the merch table to buy. Suddenly, meh, whatever, I musta been high at the show. Not the case with DH (or Hypocrisy holy shitnoodles), and even after a minor step back (2007's merely great Deliver Us), and light one mega virtuoso (Norris you better have something huge up your sleeve uh gross), DC's best melodic death metalcore quintet is poised to wear the MDM crown in 2009. If not for their awesomeness, then because the throne has been vacated by um The Crown, who broke up/my heart in 2004 like a buncha jerks after dropping three consecutive atom bombs. 

For The Crown's baffling non-success, Darkest Hour guitarist Mike Schleibaum and I blame YOU, and to a lesser extent ourselves -- me everyday while muttering under my breath, Schleibaum in a more far-reaching forum, MetalSucks:

Yeah OK, there are probably a few dudes thinking, “Shit, I know who The Crown are. Is he crazy?” I’ll get into it later, but I know for a fact that even at the height of their popularity in the USA, we as metal heads in the states did a shitty job of showing the love. (And that was four or five years ago!) It’s with this in mind that I fear this great band (in particular this specific great record) may pass unnoticed and in the spirit of all things rock I offer up to you The Crown and thei slaughtering Deathrace King (2000) record! Take it from a dude who has spent all of his adult life searching for inspiration in metal: this band, this record, are inspiring.

Get on the path to forgiveness by reading the rest of Schleibaum's Crown worship. And for the love of Pete, get Deathrace King, their first classic. Amazingly, this band developed their songwriting, arranging, production, and performance on each album, meaning that their final album, 2003's Possessed 13, was their greatest achievement, followed by the ridiculous Crowned In Terror/Crowned Unholy (released in 2002 and re-recorded/released in 2004, respectively). 

And please good Metal people, let us not repeat our errors when 4/5ths of The Crown makes their return as sigh Dobermann. 

**UPDATE ** I CAN'T TURN MY BACK FOR A SECOND

Plane travel is awesome but fellow passengers enrage me by lunking around casually when they should be either clenched in their seats or doped beyond recognition. Planes are like escalators in that they demand your fear and respect; treat the airplane gods with disdain and court disaster. Likewise, yesterday my entire work day was devoted to this daydream where I travel back through time to join Aerosmith before Toys In The Attic. That's so Uncle Rico. Turns out I was derelict in my duties and should've been focussing all my concentration on holding the Metal world together. Or at least the terrific and newly-singerless Scar Symmetry. From a band statement via Blabbermouth:

This should come as a total surprise to most of you, though you might have wondered why no gigs/tours have been announced since the release of Holographic Universe. The truth is, we have been offered several tours and one-off shows that everyone in the band wanted to do except for Christian [Älvestam, vocals]. In a situation like that, you get a lot of frustration and it was in everyone's best interest to go separate ways.

Phew. Those are not the words of a band facing imminent break-up due to the often-fatal singer defection. Which is good; the abovementioned new album deserves the support provided by a good opening slot. (Get on the Soilwork tour, guys. Do it!) 

Speaking of Soilwork, former tourmates Darkest Hour are rumored to be losing a key (if non-songwriting) member of their killer band. From Blabbermouth:

Guitarist Kris Norris is rumored to have left the Washington D.C. metal band Darkest Hour in order to focus on his solo projects.

Ok that's not a lot of information. If Norris has left the band, Darkest Hour won't just be losing a guitarist, they'll be losing a face-melting guitarist from the fourth dimension. Stay tuned to HooM! for updates. 

UPDATE Norris confirms to Blabbermouth today that he is no longer a member of Darkest Hour. 

Yes, it's not a rumor — I have left Darkest Hour. Well, I'm not in the band anymore; see it how you want. Let's do no press statements, let's do no bullshit, let's just leave it what it is: I'm not in the band anymore, that's all. See you if I see you. I'm actively pursing some producing routes and any band that might want a guitarist, feel free. I haven't off music totally, not just yet." [sic]

Major bummer. Norris rips.