You Fail Me: BulletBoys' Marq Torien

Actor Mark Wahlberg proved that even celebrities aren't immune to the power of my mind as he publicly lashed out Wednesday at neighbor David Beckham, soccer douche. From Stuff:

When asked if he had met [Beckham], Wahlberg joked: "No, but that fucker lives down the road from me, man! He has to go back to the UK, because he has paparazzi all over my house."

He added: "I was in the UK for the last week and they don't want him back. They said, 'Keep him over there'."

Looks like the HooM! plot to annihilate Beckham is picking up steam. For an encore, I'm going to have Wahlberg crap on the man-boobs of Marq Torien, singer of formerly awesome boner-rock quartet BulletBoys, whose just-released single could be charitably described as corporate bullshit for Staind-loving tampons. A harsh punishment, yes. But the real BulletBoys legacy must be protected. 

Neither Bullet Nor Boy: Marq Torien, pre-Wahlberg Steamer

The HooM! Bucket List: Destroy David Beckham

I assume that, like me, most people keep a well-guarded list of people to berate if given the chance and requisite immunity. Well, imagine my joy at finding myself at an England-Spain soccer game a few years ago. Seated five rows back at midfield, I had the soul-liberating pleasure of hurling insults at the very un-Metal soccerist David Beckham. No topic was off-limits as my big fat mouth stretched to accommodate the deluge of vulgarity and abuse: his hair, his droid wife, his ceaseless advertisements, his stupid hair, his awful play, his white shoes, the nub where his wang once was, his pointy wife, his hair, his wife's salon spas. And this was before he was bum-chums with Tom Cruise. Just imagine! 

European people ruin already weak hash by adding cigarette tobacco, so I was suppressing a major barf-load by halftime. Yet, through the haze, I sensed relief in ol' Becks' stride as he took up position on the far side of the field for the second half. Until Saturday, that is, when my mind took control of some unwitting chump. WENN reports:

Soccer stud-turned-model David Beckham is playing down a security scare at Saturday's L.A. Galaxy game, during which an over-zealous fan had to be dragged from the pitch.  Beckham admits he was a little wary ... 'He didn't have a smile on his face and he didn't have a Galaxy shirt on, so I didn't know if he was going to ... give me a hug or something else. Luckily, he just wanted to give me a high five and that was the end of it.'

Oh. Turns out the fan just wanted to kiss him. You win this round, David.