I'M SORRY BUT I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T COME

Every year when the goofy NAMM convention rolls around, I get kinda baffled as to why this shit isn't open to the general public. True, the event's nerd levels are already intoxicatingly high, what with all those gearheads and salesmen and shills and unplayable instruments (above, Tony Levin nerrrrrd!) packing Anaheim Convention Center. So what's the difference if a few thousand more dorky ball-sweaters join in the fun, like at those comics and video games shindigs? Instead, the public is bombarded with press releases covering clinics and signings to which we are not invited. I'm not in the musical instrument retail industry (thank god) but just look at this Ibanez booth roster, man!

Friday, January 16:

Dino Cazares (Divine Heresy, Asesino, ex-Fear Factory, enormous ass)

Muhammed Suicmez (Necrophagist)

Matt Bachand (Shadows Fall)

Chris Broderick (Megadeth)

Steve Vai (full-length leather coat enthusiast)

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (The Mars Volta)

Pablo Hinojos-Gonzalez (The Mars Volta)

Paul Gilbert (Mr. Big, Racer X)

Andy Timmons

Peter Iwers (In Flames)

Paul Romanko (Shadows Fall)

Fieldy (Korn)

Saturday, January 17:

Herman Li (Dragonforce)

Sam Totman (Dragonforce)

Mick Thomson (Slipknot)

Joe Satriani (Suing Coldplay)

Just think, I could wear out my voice on Friday jeering Andy Timmons (he's from Danger Danger right?) and Peter Iwers while getting a second shot at asking Vai all my Slip of the Tongue questions and humping the leg of the Necrophagist guy. Bachand (thanks for the beer tokens dude) and Gilbert (International House of Cereals) are national treasures so I'd lurk at a safe distance wherever they decided to drink post-app. Leaving plenty of time to wake up early on Saturday to egg the Dragonforce guys. P.S. Omar from The Mars Volta plays Ibanez? Um not unless they comped him a guitar made of crack ZING!

GRAMMYS, DRAGONFORCE CAN GET FUCKED

Ugh so DragonForce has quietly gone about their business of hyper-frenetic wankcore without offending me thus far. That all changed today when I spotted singer ZP Theart doing the "shhhhh I'm here baby" pose in a recent promo shot (above). Congratulations, homos -- you're officially about as cool as other finger-to-lips jerk-offs David Hasselhoff (drunken berater of children) and fucking Rod Stewart (cheap-ass Steve Marriott). Heavens to Murgatroid. 

Anyway, thanks to alphabetical arrangement, Fag'nDorks head up yesterday's announced Best Metal Performance Grammy nominees and holy shit that's the boringest sentence ever. As retarded as the actual awards are, it's still tempting to devote a few thousand words to the excruciating Grammys broadcast (teleprompters and hilarious announcer and formalwear stuck in the 50s), but let's get this over with: 

• DragonForce "Heroes Of Our Time"
  
• Judas Priest "Nostradamus"
  
• Metallica  "My Apocalypse"
  
• Ministry "Under My Thumb"
  
• Slipknot "Psychosocial"

Shitting all over these nominations is like pilfering vicodins from my wacko pot guy: too easy. For some reason Slayer won the last two years, and that should indicate to what extent the NARAS gets Metal. If this shit meant anyfuckingthing, HooM! would endorse Slipknot, if for no other reason than that I'd rather endure a traumatic dwarfbang than hear that Metallica song again, the Priest album is a total miss, DragonForce has the appeal of a Looney Tunes marathon at 78 rpm, and the only prize deserved by Ministry's quarter-assed Stones cover (with horrific Burton C. Bell vocals) is a tumbler full of hot piss. Eat shit and die, Grammys.