IS CRISTINA SCABBIA OK?

We self-obsessed druggie types don't always y'know notice when bad shit happens -- and even then we usually get it all mixed up, like when Tom Brady shot Lindsay Lohan's myspace before the Grammys -- but I've been on top of the massive earthquake in Italy cuz man that shit sucks bad. Italy is awesome. And I notice that President Obama hasn't made direct mention of this aspect of the crisis, so I'll be the one to confirm to the people of Italy and the world that yes, Lacuna Coil singer Cristina Scabbia is safe and sound with us. Call off the searches; we've got her. Not a scratch on her (luscious, ravishing) body. Don't even worry, she can crash here until your shit is back together. Nah no worries at all. We have a futon, hardly been used. No actually she can't come to the phone at the moment. She's uh in the shower. Anyway, when we all agree that Italy is back in tip-top shape, we'll put her on a plane. I'll have her call you there's a good lad. 

THE GERMAN SAYS TO WAIT HERE

Last time we at HooM! got all horny for a new Colin Richardson project, it was mixing duties on Slipknot's latest collection of shouty, shrill semi-metal, All Hope Is Gone. OK sorry there's actually some decent shit on that record, but anyway Richardson as mixer habitually gives a muscular, full-spectrum sound to even the most misguided projects cough Bullet For My Valentine cough cough. That's why it's bonertastic to hear Richardson's skillz being used to aid the forces of good. Which in this case are actually the forces of evil. Cuz Behemoth -- goddammit you know what the fuck I mean. Behemoth mainman Nergal on Richardson, via Blabbermouth:

I'm stoked about Richardson's involvement in the mix of the record. We've tried to book him for The Apostasy, but he wasn't available then. His name needs no introduction [uhh sic that like a mofo]. I have absolutely no doubts that Colin will deliver and I'm expecting new album to have the sound that's bigger than life!Z

I'm not down with today's hip lingo (as proven by the preceding phrase), but I think that 'Z' is some sort of coded message to underground Satanic youth communities, initiating a worldwide assault on Christian establishment using church-bombings and synchronized assassinations. Or it's a shout-out to that Peter Stormare-looking freak on the Cavaliers. One of those.

CONFUSED BY AMBIGUOUS SLAYER POLL

It's easy to love Slayer. Hey it's right there in the title -- they slay. But the pioneering L.A.-area quartet hasn't played all aces, even discluding that inessential covers album. So it was with a measure of relief that I noted the results of a Metal Injection poll (above, as of 04.03.09), which ranked 1990's riveting Seasons In The Abyss the second best Slayer record. I'm a big person, so I can put aside the vaguely stubborn universal acceptance of Reign In Blood as the band's masterpiece. Yeah you're welcome. 

The results are a bit misleading though, since the poll asks for the reader's favorite non-Reign album, as opposed to a numbered ranking of Slayer's oeuvre. So I see how few Metal people would select Diabolus In Musica as the silver medalist (agreed), but had the poll followed the latter format, I bet the lithe and vital Diabolus lands behind Seasons and South of Heaven. It definitely would not reside in the basement below the arid, tuneless Divine Intervention. And it rips heavier and more consistently than God Hates Us All, a silly record also hampered by hokey, borderline-juvenile lyrics. And come on, Hell Awaits is Slayer on training wheels, friends. Even with the slight but lame nu-metalisms (ick Araya raps on "Stain Of Mind" and "Love To Hate"), Diabolus is catchy, heavy, and classic, with a furious opening and a deadly finale. Like Reign In Blood, right? 

MAKES A LOTTA SENSE

Um to my mild embarrassment, I've been pretty shrill and hysterical about Metallica for oh the last 15 years or so. My English friends take nagging disappointments like these with stoicism and class, remnants of their ancient, refined culture. O, if only I could be so dignified. It would help if Metallica would meet me half way, instead of ruthlessly striving for new heights of unapologetic awfulness. It's like they're the best at sucking.

So it makes sense that Ulrich and Hetfield excel at giving new meaning to the term ill-conceived throughout the stupid promotion for stupid Guitar Hero: Metallica. The SXSW thing was desperate at best, and now this pair of TV spots? Wow. Uh so I get the Risky Business reference, but what's with the College Basketball personalities? You can almost visualize the marketing guys saying March Madness, Metallica, 16 - 34 year old men, get me Bobby Knight and Mike Scsyzyxxyshefski! And ha Hetfield yells at them for being way pussy. Cuz ya know, Metal is all about being macho and manly, not free-thinking and cool. Oh look at that, in the second spot, Metallica commits quadruple homicide. Good one. 

YOU WIN THIS ROUND, DOLVING

It's always surprised me how little The Haunted interests me despite consisting of the best parts of At The Gates. Ah the mysteries of life. As a big fat blowhard, I do admire Haunted frontman Peter Dolving, who uses the internet to unburden himself of wackjob opinions and to engage in mindless bickering with comment jockeys. In other words, we lead the same life, except that he tours the world playing mediocre Slayercore and I tour Los Angeles County taking mediocre drugs. So we're all good. 

In an apparent search for cheap publicity, Dolving recently took some cheap shots at those dispicable bastards in Lamb Of God, charlatans that they undoubtedly are. Dolving states to no one in particular:

You could go out and see any of a number of bands in the next four weeks. The big one this time around out there being the Lamb Of God tour. Which will according to business-planned management crawl itself around the North Americas for the next year and a half or so like a big snake. 

You could dig that shit and think ‘Holy mutherfucking hell! That shit rocks!’ or you could go and see the Haunted once and for all prove what metal is all about. But only if you want to have a good time. Only if you want to feel alive. Only if you like that feeling of actually realizing everything is not fucked utterly and beyond belief. 

But I guess if you are a sad, self-pitying son of a bitch you won’t go. Oh what the hell, really, don’t go. Most of those who read this don’t really give a shit anyway do you? You’d rather stay in a saline filled tank fed intravenously with a constant intake of whatever, whoever carries the biggest gun and wad of dollars has to say wants to feed you.

Well my eyes have been opened. Pfft Lamb Of God. What a bunch of fucking scumbags. Totally corporate. And fuck us Metal people for willfully and blindly being on the receiving end of the greatest sham ever perpetrated on the American public. You read that right: Ever. All of us, enslaved by those greedy, gutless swine Lamb of God. It's that rotten Randy Blythe and his powers (above). I pity those whom Dolving is planning to dethrone next. How about mini-skirts. Or cookies. Those things have been ripping us off for years. Lamb of God out of Metal!