IT'S A GAY ROMANTIC FLING

I'm successful with the ladies thanks to a system of Copperfield-esque diversions and infusions of alcohol so I'm free to commit questionable acts like eschewing the only implicitly homoerotic football game (Favre you shank) for TCM's feature presentation of Gigi, a fruity musical about the transformation of a Parisian tomboy into a young woman much to the delight of her bored would-be suitor. For the record, it's that rotten Robert Osbourne who sucks you in with intros, providing valuable context and endorsements. Lucky for me, it turns out that Gigi is less gay than NFL after all, what with its opening number, sung by a leering old man, called 'Thank Heaven For Little Girls'. That's right, I just defended my heterosexuality by pointing out that Gigi is uncomfortably pedophilic. I'm not sure that's a word but I'm not going to fucking google it unless I want Pete Townsend showing up here followed by the FBI.

Anyway, hours after my brush with perilous erotic messages, my antidote was to rub a bunch of Slayer on my balls. That shit defeats the pernicious influence of foofoo dandies mincing (Gigi was awesome btw) or tight-panted men penetrating each other's defenses while also protecting their own brown thing. After Decade of Aggression, I feel much straighter again but now I kinda want to skull-bang a dead nazi or something. Ick.

THE BIG FOUR TOUR WILL SAVE METALLICA

Lakers F Lamar Odom is but 29 years old but has survived an shitload of heart-rending tragedies, losses, and random disasters. Even coach Phil Jackson allows for Odom to be a duh-machine plus usually he's kinda brilliant. Anyway to the point ahem if healing for Odom is a sudden wedding to the delicious (but beneath him) Khloe Kardashian, then I can stand for that. Even though a marriage commenced after merely 30 days of acquaintance already reeks of drama and distraction. And I don't think this event moves forward without Kobe's consent. It's in the contracts trust me.

Like I attempted to say up there, tying the knot to a hot, crazy piece like any Kardashian sister sounds sweet and all but will likely end in calamity fast. Just like the tittered-about Big Four tour. On one hand, Metallica hasn't really had any competition on that retard round stage for dickknobs that looks like a freaking USO show, so few would notice if the band has average nights every night. And surely Lars knows that Mustaine will scream his band into kickass shape, and Slayer will destroy even them, so in theory Lars might convince all to play their songs as long-haired men would (above), not like warbling no-playing sorry-ass guffawing douchesacks who now inhabit their bodies. Not literally. Or more likely it will be Mustaine belittling everybody on Blabbermouth alternating with Lars' boasts about being faggy as shit (more on that later). Hey look Marnie is on. Sean Connery and Hitchcock on the same set ha that had to've been a riot.

METALLICA'S STAGE RAGE

Now look it's obvious that this rumored Big Four tour would be radness but troubling is the fact that Metallica currently performs on a dumbshit stage for assholes. I wouldn't even know that, but shoot me I just wanted to check out our Doc Coyle joining Lamb Of God in Mark Morton's stead on the current leg of the Metallica global cash removal operation. But holy shit in the above footage I could hardly locate the God Forbid shredder on the barren, black hole of a stage. See this diva shit is why Lars can't be in charge of anything, let alone of the Big Forehead tour. Ok from the crowd's point of view the stage reeks cuz to every seat, only one bandmember is really in your view and it's basically awkward as shit. If it spins look out cuz that's why I barfed at Def Leppard in the round; well that and shirtless Phil Collen cough. The monitor situation must be clusterfuckdom too and wow how alien it must be to face opposite directions as your bandmates, like sitting backwards on the train. And while we're on the subject get Testament on the Big Foreskin Tour, or we'll be punished again with grunge. I mean it's your life. I guess some of us just don't want to go through that again.

SLAYER HURT MUSTAINE'S FEEWINGS

My innernit went down last night and I can't help but think it had something to do with a Thursday HooM! comment, easily the most repellent, silly, and random comment in HooM! history. By severing my eithernet connection, the forces of nature perhaps tried to protect me from the lewd, vulgar suggestions made regarding the lovely Gabriela, this just as I began to despair of the lack of comments. And now, after the scarring imagery and irrelevant ethnic potshots, my wishes for greater HooM! interaction seem foolhardy. Be careful what you wish for.

Anyway, those pornless hours last night allowed me to revisit a pre-web lifestyle. Thus I repaired to the parlour where I thumbed a novel over tea. Actually wait no I conked out on my bed, fully clothed; awakening to restored internet connection, I found yet more blather from Dave Mustaine, who has ramped up his lip-flapping in honor of another procedural, self-aggrandizing non-album (streams here "Dialectic Chaos" gimme a break). Mustaine addresses recent comments from both Tom Araya (above) and Kerry King, which he, in a state of fearful denial, has forgiven them for:

I am aware that there is stuff out there that has been said about me; some of it is old, some of it is new. I am disappointed in the new comments, but I am going to remain professional and give Kerry and Tom and Slayer the benefit of the doubt and hope that it is just old stuff, and be the best tourmate that I can be. Either way, I pray for the guys in Slayer, although they may not want it, but I do. I pray that we'll be friends again someday, I pray that the tour will be as much fun for them as it is for us, and I pray that they will be as happy as we are and more.

Wow. How big of Mustaine to forgive Araya and King for correctly identifying him as a bag of cock. It inspired me to forgive the gross pervert who so crassly reduced my soft-focus, wine-and-roses fantasy of prolonged love-making with Gabriela to some dimly-lit border porn. Now apologize to Gabriela, fucker. Apologiiiiize.

NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING DIFFICULT

I understand that Slayer guitarist Kerry King feels it's necessary to wrestle attention away from at least two outlandish uber-bimbos (Ulrich, Mustaine) whose antics distract from the band's forthcoming record World Painted Blood, but his claims lately have been alternately hateful and far-fetched. Why just the other day he told somebody at Metal Hammer:

I don't know Lars that well and I haven't heard it from Lars, but apparently he's talking to somebody about maybe us, Metallica, Megadeth, I think he even threw in Anthrax and I said in this day and age, I know we had that time together, but how do you leave out Machine Head? There's better options than Anthrax and that's nothing against Anthrax, but they've just been in pieces for quite some time and that doesn't make as much sense to me.

OK wow Kerry you're kinda all over the place. First, a magical, imaginary tour with Metallica headlining over Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax? Um I guess it's possible, like say if Lars is looking to consolidate his power and exploit the ongoing Thrash Metal renaissance. Could happen. Oh but you'd have to promise Mustaine all sorts of ridiculous shit, like a coffee roaster and strategic No-Lars Zones. Anyway, then you have bewildering praise for Machine Head; that just sounds like four vicodins and a Red Bull talking. OK, he's right about the Nonthrax line-up issues, but Machine Head's best is way more depressing than Anthrax at their very worst. And I've seen both so yeah trust me. And lastly, dude, is Testament a figment of my fucking imagination? I thought we all agree that it should've been the Big Five. Fuck it. Remember that Headbanger's Ball tour with Anthrax, Helloween, and Exodus in like 1989? Well, HooM! could steal that idea for Testament, Cynic, and Municipal Waste and none of you fuckers are invited.

I WATCHED A HALF HOUR OF THE FUSE CHANNEL

This girl I knew bangs Papa Roach's merch guy or something so I heard immediately about their now ex-drummer's antics last summer. She'd gushed all about it, adding 'You like that kind of music right?' I remember taking it as an insult and today I was reminded why. Papa Roach is the shittiest shit ever. And Disturbed. These are the bands whose videos I endured today on the cutting edge totally extreme Fuse network. If you're asking under what circumstances I watched Fuse of my own free will, I could explain its proximity to VH1 Classic on the dial, but honestly it's because I couldn't find a fishing lure to embed in my anus. Actually, I sought Mayhem Fest coverage (the good parts, like above), as promised by Fuse's Let It Rock and its host, Juliya (more like Juli-ugh). And that amounted to some Killswitch Engage whinery (what are you kidding me with this shit?) plus Manson and Slayer bytes. And so begins my letter writing campaign for Time Warner to replace Fuse with that Russian channel featuring scorpions attacking newborns.

DOES D.R.I. HAVE A PUBLICIST OR NOT

Look man I'm not here to shit on innocent working folks, and the D.R.I. news is certainly bonertastic, put come on, dude! From a press release whose quality causes tears of bitter frustration:

Pioneering hardcore/metal crossover quartet D.R.I. is currently scheduling rehearsals and gearing up to play shows again starting in the fall.

For 27 years, D.R.I. has been the epitome of the aggressive, hardcore-punk thrash sound. Still actively touring and recording, the band's only change is that they're a little older now, but time hasn't gotten the best of Dirty Rotten Imbeciles. They're still thrashing just as hard -- and just as loudly -- as ever, continuing to overload our senses with the sound that is, and will always remain, uniquely D.R.I.

I run a classy column here so I cleaned up the cadence and grammar problems and also cut out a shitload of shit -- including the part about Spike beating cancer YES! -- but believe it this release is shit-all stupid, making no mention of unabashed D.R.I. devotees like Municipal Waste (kinda popular hello) or Dealing With It's recent induction into Decibel's Hall Of Fame (fucking A right). Decibel invites a sample of high-visibility Metal studs to weigh in on Dealing including Dave Lombardo (thinks I'm hilarious), Scott Ian (still waiting on a sorry for Golden G0ds naw just kidding but seriously apologize), Charlie Benante (hire Joey dude cmon); see just cut out the S.O.D. talk and Ian's baffling nonsense and bam work those quotes. Let's sell some tickets here goddamnit? It's D.R.I.

Some call Dealing With It a 'crossover' record; I call it evolution. It's a hardcore classic.

-- Scott "Not" Ian, Anthrax

Listening to Dealing With It today still gives me the same punk rush it did 20+ years ago.

-- Dave "Fuck No" Lombardo, Slayer

Dealing With It was -- and still is -- one of my favorite records. I wanted to be in D.R.I.

-- Charlie Benante, Anthrax

D.R.I. is as important to crossover as Metallica is to thrash. D.R.I. is an incredible, incredible band.

-- Katon W. DePena, Hirax

WHAT SHAW'S GOT S'GOT A HOLD ON KING

The headline was almost Divine Vindication instead of the above lyric (modified slightly for maximum confusion) from the Damn Yankees classic "Coming Of Age" (above, pastel as hell on Letterman). See Coming has two meanings heh heh heh o! those incorrigible rakes Tommy Shaw and Jack Blades. Anyway back to the weak play on the title of Slayer's least interesting record: Though twice now I've participated in spontaneous D'Yankees singalongs, I still get a ton of shit about the awful in concept/pretty stupendous in practice supergroup and I don't endanger my credibility further by arguing. Some people are just too snooty to enjoy stupid awesome shit like a band with the best parts of two awful bands and retard Ted Nugent. But like me, Slayer's Kerry King is not one of those people. Shit King's a bona fide Tommy Shaw enthusiast! Does he have weird dreams of Shaw-Shelly Long three-ways too? I mean cough from the August Decibel:

King is a huge Tommy Shaw fan. "Shit yeah, man -- Styx, Damn Yankees. That motherfucker sings like a bird. I'm a big Eagles fan, too, but you can't not be an Eagles fan."

Uh I hope King is referring to Philadelphia's football squadron because holy lord the band fucking sucks ASS. Therefore I find it effortless to not be a fan of those pretentious wheezebags. Yeah as of this writing I'm upgrading Don Henley to Enemy of Metal status. Yep ya subscribe to Decibel for a few laughs and it all ends in death threats.

ONE FEWER BITCH

I got a real treat the other night in form of the N.W.A basic cable doc The World's Most Dangerous Band. I gotta say it was pretty edgy for VH1; enjoyment was compromised only when Ren broke my heart around the 60-minute mark by slandering Metal in a confused attempt to debunk censorship. Talking about we're all Satan-worshipping child murderers. Yeah so? 

Things turned sad with the death of Eazy-E, preceded by that horrible scene where his lawyer read a statement in which, at death's door, Eazy called out to his estranged and mourned "brothers in N.W.A". It struck me immediately that barring medically-induced amnesia, this is how Axl Rose is going to die someday. All alone and alienated, waging some imaginary war, betrayed and bitter, twisted, paranoid, and diseased. Like Sting, right? This should be stopped, but is still preferable to the Michael Jackson option where Rose transforms over decades into a mangled and bleached ghoul who feeds on the souls of children and the agony of those under his control. Like Madonna. 

That was Thursday but then in the shower this morning I was thinking about Dimebag as usual, but then it occurred to me that N.W.A and Public Enemy are the Slayer and Metallica of hip hop. One pair is ultra-violent and cartoonishly harsh while the second is baldly political and literate. Kerry = Eazy; Flav = Kirk. Slayer (above) bravely pulled back the curtain on Orange County, where demons and genocidal surgeons ran wild while crack and corrupt police ravaged N.W.A's L.A. On the other side, Metallica took a broadly fatalistic and bitter view of a war-crazed and avaricious white-dominated society; Chuck D of P.E. ostensibly hoped for a better future but was so (rightly) devoted to confrontation and exploding myths to paint any but the bleakest picture of the present. What's that? Yeah this is what I think about on my day off. Why wait hey where you going? 

WAIT GO BACK. MEGADETH DOING DATES WITH SLAYER?

Dave Mustaine never fails to make himself sound totally desperate, especially when answering the 20+ year question of whether he's kept pace with his former mates in Metallica, now inducted into the ahem Rock And Roll Hall Of Fame in Ohio. If only Lars Ulrich were asked about Megadeth half as frequently Mustaine is asked about Metallica. Mustaine talks to MTV:

This is one of the most exciting stretches of my life. Shit, I was just talking to Ulrich the other day on the phone, and asking me to go to the Metallica Hall Of Fame [induction] — and although we have differing opinions on what person should be inducted for it or not, and it didn't turn out that he felt that I should be inducted, so I passed — but I talked to him. And people are asking about us doing dates with Slayer again.

While I wouldn't argue if Mustaine were to be inducted, it's fairly obvious that it shouldn't be as a member of Metallica. That would reduce Dave's achievements to those of a early contributor to an immature band. Does that make sense? It's Megadeth for which Mustaine is great; not for contributions to the infancy of the would-be greatest Metal band in history.

CONFUSED BY AMBIGUOUS SLAYER POLL

It's easy to love Slayer. Hey it's right there in the title -- they slay. But the pioneering L.A.-area quartet hasn't played all aces, even discluding that inessential covers album. So it was with a measure of relief that I noted the results of a Metal Injection poll (above, as of 04.03.09), which ranked 1990's riveting Seasons In The Abyss the second best Slayer record. I'm a big person, so I can put aside the vaguely stubborn universal acceptance of Reign In Blood as the band's masterpiece. Yeah you're welcome. 

The results are a bit misleading though, since the poll asks for the reader's favorite non-Reign album, as opposed to a numbered ranking of Slayer's oeuvre. So I see how few Metal people would select Diabolus In Musica as the silver medalist (agreed), but had the poll followed the latter format, I bet the lithe and vital Diabolus lands behind Seasons and South of Heaven. It definitely would not reside in the basement below the arid, tuneless Divine Intervention. And it rips heavier and more consistently than God Hates Us All, a silly record also hampered by hokey, borderline-juvenile lyrics. And come on, Hell Awaits is Slayer on training wheels, friends. Even with the slight but lame nu-metalisms (ick Araya raps on "Stain Of Mind" and "Love To Hate"), Diabolus is catchy, heavy, and classic, with a furious opening and a deadly finale. Like Reign In Blood, right? 

DON'T SHOW US YOUR P***Y

As Vulgarity Week rages on, let's consider HooM! the Bill Hicks or Lenny Bruce of pointless internet blathering. Ya know, with all the swearing and wild paranoia and hysteria (oh can you feel it?). Other chickenshit internet sellouts mute their vitriol with the pussyish shortening to F of our most holy of curses and by using acronyms like POS (piece of shit) or ATMBSTJEFMPIHP (A twelve-man Brazilian soccer team just emerged from Madonna's pussy I have pictures). 

That really sticks in my self-righteous craw, as these very same sites peddle morally gray images of whatever the hell that is under Britney Spears' skirt. Which is awesome, but what's wrong with a little coarse language compared to large-as-life pics of a nude Amy Winehouse asleep with a crackpipe searing an O into her fupa? 

Well, I guess it's all a rich tapestry of profanity so let's call a truce with this awesome Slayer clip (above) that the whole filth-loving family can enjoy. 

WHO DISHES BEHIND HIS BACK WINS

I bitch about my poorly-timed birth (too late for Van Halen and Hitchcock, too early for space porn) but at least I'm right on the money with The Simpsons and Kobe Bryant. I started watching NBA basketball right as Bryant was coming off a brutal ordeal surrounding charges of sexual assault followed by a couple of hideous post-Shaq seasons. He chilled out after that shit. Hence our love is so pure cuz I missed five years of his being a huge arrogant bastard. 

I find a parallel in my history with Thrash Metal. I came of age just as Thrash was growing beyond the sound of dumb heshers being dumb. Nay, by the time I was old enough to count money Slayer ditched reverb and high screams; the lyrics of Testament no longer detailed scarifying tales of horror, instead opting for the socio-political; mid-era Anthrax could really put a melody together (below); Metallica didn't once mention leather or spikes. Good times. 

I would've suffered a lot less heartache if only I could time my death just as perfectly. Like if I hadn't survived the time I dared Mike to push me in front of a train in 1992. Hey you take six hits of acid and see what sounds like a fun Thursday afternoon idea.  

CLASH OF THE TITANS II

It's a slow news day so I, too, took most of the afternoon to free-associate the identity of the unannounced co-headliners of the upcoming Slayer tour. Oh yeah let's get this out of the way:

According to the Artisan News Service, veteran Los Angeles thrashers Slayer will announce a new co-headlining tour on Monday.

Typically Slayer teams with some admirable but crummy non-Metal band like Marilyn Manson or whatever and that kinda makes sense cuz real Metal people have all seen Slayer like 400 times. I can't remember when I haven't seen Slayer. I also can't recall what I had for breakfast today but anyway now that Metal is again pretty serious profit-wise, they should go with a real heavy-hitter. Most are already spoken for with killer tours of their own, except Mastodon and jeez they just got off tour with Slayer. And Mastodon will do their own tour, right? Please?

What about Testament, who promised me January tour dates back in August (best show ever) but have been quiet since? Those cats got juice lately. In fact, why not just grab fellow Clash Of The Titans (best tour ever) alum Anthrax for a delightful Clash of the Titans II tour? Megadeth isn't invited due to extreme suckage plus Dave's got his wack Gigantour brand anyway. Slayer, Testament, Anthrax ... Yummy. Now hmm a promising, not-thrash, kinda fruity band to open ... Protest The Hero? BAM! I'm going on break.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING SLAYER

After their many contributions to Metal music, yes including their much-maligned-by-old-people records since Seasons In The Abyss, Slayer's greatest quality is their calm, measured, total contempt for suck-ass Metallica. Stormbringer asks Tom Araya his opinion of Death Magnetic:

You don't wanna know. I heard the album. That's all you wanna know. I heard the album. [Laughs] I'm being serious. It didn't appeal to me at all. And all I could think about was, 'Man, what happened?' 

I thought it was a great idea to release [new Slayer single] "Psycopathy Red" ... to show people that [the reason for Death Magnetic's shittiness] is not Rick Rubin; it's Metallica. It's what the band brings to the table. People are always comparing albums. So now they have something that they can compare it to. 

Well in all fairness, LarsCorp was just buying the Rick Rubin brandname in a misguided attempt to woo hipsters, the talking point-starved media, and produceophiles ahem [sic]. But since Rubin got like eight production credits in 2008 alone, one wonders to what extent he works on any of those albums. Ya know, beyond the obvious hey-try-to-make-it-like-your-good-album-from-N-years-ago tip. That'll be $600K plus points.

FOUR MORE RECORDS!

Let's all take a good, long moment to appreciate Kerry King (above, thanks to HooM!'s new sponsor Suzuki). I'm pretty sure if he voted it was for McCain, and yet King and Slayer's sole contribution to the political dialogue wasn't an hysterical, ill-informed rant like some people we know. Nope, with America's socio-political life on the brink, the band chipped in using this topsy-turvy world's only real currency: Metal. And a promise of more Metal. King tells The Quietus:

We're talking of going in the studio next February and ... if we do get a record out next year — and everything's pointing to yes — then I'd want to start working on another one because we're all having a good time. I think the time's gonna come when somebody just says, 'I'm done. I don't wanna do this anymore.' Because we've been doing it more than half of our lives. [Laughs] But I'm having a blast! [At] the show yesterday, I had a blast. I'm going to have more of a blast today.

Crank the new Slayer song "Psycopathy Red" below. Now now now now NOW!

UM HEY WANT SOME TESTAMENT?

Psst. You. Hey. No not you, you in the blue shirt. Hey. What's up. Cool look, I don't wanna come off all creepy and shit. Let's just establish that from the outset: not trying to be creepy. Not a creeper. Never been one. My cousin Brad's a creeper and I can't say I'm a big fan. But it follows, since my Uncle Gary, a total creep, married a degenerate sidler. I can only imagine that when they had sex, it was very ... sideways. And out shot Brad and his sideburns. 

Ok anyhoo, mind if I ask you a question? You look like you know how to have a good time, so I'll just ask ya no beating around the bush. Or obfuscation. I'm just gonna come out and ask. Do you party? ... 'Cause I can read people, dude. You're cool. It's written all over you in foot-high letters: I capital L Love to capital P Party. How can I tell? Look, it's not brain surgery, dog. But I can see we agree on the partying thing so let's move on. Ok, friend ... what's your name, dude? Right. Cheers. What I wanted to tell ya is that I, too, love to party. That's why I like to unwind with friends and really, just, party, ya know? The usual stuff. Just get crazy, get laid, and get beat up with some good friends, and ha sometimes on Friday nights, we do uh well we do a little Testament nothinwrongwiththatright?

Whoa. Ok. Don't be shocked. Look, have you ever tried Testament? That's what I thought. But I know you'd like it. If you tried it. Dude. Think about it; didn't I see you at Mike's and you were all messed up on Metallica? I knew it! I knew you looked familiar. You were hilarious. Don't remember much? Not surprised at all. Yeah I know you were insane. Now, imagine that feeling without the hassle, the depression, and the dent in your wallet! Badda-bing! That's what doing Testament is like. Plus there hasn't been good Metallica around in a while. 

Hmm. Let me wager a guess here; you are a regular Slayer user. I'd bet my life on it. Shit you look like you took a couple rips of Slayer right before you got here. Ha ha. Busted. I told you, I can read people. So. Hey. I'm not gonna pressure you. Look at it this way: Nobody else thought to invite you to our little secret club, so I am. I'm like your sponsor. I vouch for you. Yeah. Well look at that. Ha! I've ha got some Testament on me, as it happens. Nah. Don't worry. I'm cool with them here. I'm in here all the time. See that bouncer? He gets Testament from me all the time. Flotsam & Jetsam, too. What's Flotsam & Jetsam? Shit, I guess you're not ready for that shit yet. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Here. Just come here a bit and let me ha find it ah here it is. Ready? 

NO SURVIVORS!

As an infantile, legend-in-my-own-mind type, I'm prone to bouts of venomous muttering and holy shit, a co-worker totally busted me in the middle of a full-tilt soliloquy today. I hurriedly explained that the bimbonic Dave Mustaine was pissing me off 'with all these goddamn best-of releases.' Still smirking, the knocking-deficient co-worker stated that as it were he himself was a Megadeth fan, specifically of their 'awesome Countdown To Extinction album.' I only stabbed him once with my letter opener 'cause he's a few years younger and it's understandable that he was late to the party.

 

We then huddled over the non-sensical tracklisting for Mustaint's latest pointless compilation and recoiled in unison at its awfulness. Positively strip-mining for something positive, I tonelessly expressed that at least the anthology takes its title from one of Metal's best achievements, "Set The World Afire." I was immediately embarrassed upon the realization that Megadeth has hardly 'set the world afire' (despite some pretty major hits) and that the title is egomaniacal and worse,  inaccurate. On top of that, Mustaine is currently a coffee-swilling Republican pussy who wouldn't even enjoy civilization's blinding immolation. Shit. 

Anyway, there are few songs more Metal than "Set The World Afire." It's got all the requisite parts of a classic of the genre: 

• no fewer than three incredible riffs
  
• themes of destruction, fatalism, mistrust of authority
  
• anti-social attitudes expressed by a self-perceived outcast
  
• mocking, sneering, sarcastic tone
• multiple guitar solos 
  
• general awesomeness throughout
  
• tempo change, preferably double time (optional)
• no proto-hardcoreisms (i.e. mentions of strength, pride, power, hurt feelings, tears, etc.)
• unsuitable for radio play, mass consumption; offensive
  

"Set The World Afire" has relatives, other classics so Metal that if Earth's pot supply was being held hostage in the jungle by Metal-starved Colombian terrorists, I'd confidently stride into their huts with a Maxell tape held at arm's length and walk out with two Louisville Slugger-sized doobers. Note: These aren't my favorite metal songs*, and in some cases, not even said band's best. Plus, I've undoubtedly overlooked a few, so chip in. Your pot may depend on it.

******HooM! Metallest Songs Ever******

Presented by Hipsters Out Of Metal!

(alphabetical by artist)

Anthrax "Finale" (listen)

Cyclone Temple "March For Me Die For Me" (listen)

Flotsam And Jetsam "No Place For Disgrace" (listen)

Megadeth "Set The World Afire" (listen)

Metallica "Ride The Lightning" (listen)

Metallica "Disposable Heroes" (listen)

Overkill "Elimination" (listen)

Overkill "I Hate" (listen)

Slayer "War Ensemble" (listen)

Suicidal Tendencies "Waking The Dead" (listen)

Testament "Seven Days of May" (listen)

*Well, they are. 'Cause I'm so Metal. But that's not the point.