YOU FAIL ME: DETHKLOK, DED ZEPPELIN

I am not a jaded prick but after months of deliberation, it's official: that Adult Swim show Dethklok Metalocalypse bugs me. Even though it raises the visibility of Metal in an offensively anti-Metal media climate, the show handily sacrifices its Metal credibility in exchange for goofy, thinly-sketched stereotypes masquerading as characters. Dethklok's creators hedge their bets by portraying the all-shades-of-silly members of Dethklok with considerable affection, but mostly it seems that the band's reign over Metal and Earth is the result of inspired idiocy, not sheer Metal awesomeness. Despite a few hearty chortles, I always feel dirtied by Dethklok's open appeals to people who think Metal is funny or perhaps even quote unquote like Metal but at arm's length. This is the wise move commercially speaking, fine; just don't try to tell me Dethklok is Metal when it's actually "Metal." Likewise, In Cold Blood is about murder, but the only thing Truman Capote kills is the pastry cart.

My distasteful, puckered expression during Dethklok's closing credits of must be quite similar to Robert Plant's when asked about the forthcoming Jimmy Page-John Paul Jones pseudo-Zep cashgrab tour. Via Blabbermouth:

Former Led Zeppelin singer Robert Plant confirmed to the Birmingham Evening Mail that he would not be joining guitarist Jimmy Page, bassist John Paul Jones and drummer Jason Bonham on the road for the proposed reunion tour. 

States Plant: "In January, I'm starting to record a new album with Alison Krauss and T Bone Burnett, but I understand that everyone's got to eat. They won't be calling it Led Zeppelin!"

JACK BRUCE WACK, LOOSE

Uhhh it's perfectly understanguishable to call Jimmy Page a moron, and yeah his playing detours into extreme dong-suckage, and this whole Plant-less Zeppelin reunion shit is rank, and angry people like me haven't forgotten the car commericals or Coverdale/Page, but come on Jack Bruce (above, farting). Cream sucks ass. Clapton is garbage that's been pissed on. Always and forever. But wait. Bruce airs out four decades of jealousy to Classic Rock:

Everybody talks about Led Zeppelin, and they played one fucking [reunion] gig — one fucking lame gig — while Cream did weeks of [reunion] gigs; proper gigs, not just a lame gig like Zeppelin did, with all the keys lowered and everything. We played everything in the original keys. Fuck off, Zeppelin, you're crap. You've always been crap and you'll never be anything else. The worst thing is that people believe the crap that they're sold. Cream is 10 times the band that Led Zeppelin is.

That's a bold opinion.

What? You're gonna compare Eric Clapton with that fucking Jimmy Page? Would you really compare that?

To be fair, they're different kinds of player, aren't they?

No! Eric's good and Jimmy's crap. And with that I rest my case.

LED ZEPPLOSMITH ROCKS

Just about the only way a Robert Plant-less Led Zeppelin tour would be endurable is if guitarist Jimmy Page wiped the throbbing dollar signs out of his eyes long enough to draft a powerful, charismatic, non-Plant clone to take his place. That means the Coverdale is out, as is the guy from Kingdom Come, natch. (Ray Gillen and Daniel McMaster are uh unavailable.) And the voice of the limping, legacy-wrecking Led Zep must not be some post-Vedder grrrharn-mrrrrrharn guy, so let's cross off Alter Bridge dude along with 10,000 others. That eliminates everyone except fooorrrrrrrrrr: 

Aerosmith guitarist Brad Whitford has confirmed a report published Saturday in England's Daily Mail that revealed Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler's recent jam session with Led Zeppelin members Jimmy Page, John Paul Jones and Jason Bonham.

"First of all, they did it for fun. I actually think Jimmy wanted Steven to come over and play a little bit because, I think, he was trying to light a fire under Robert. Come on! Come on, Robert, let's go!"

Yeah, see, XTC tried similar methods to jolt a shell-shocked Andy Partridge out of his anti-touring stance, threatening to hire Howard Jones ("Things Can Only Get Better") to front the band for a run of live shows. Partridge called their bluff and XTC remained a studio-only band. Wait. Uhhh. Who said that? I mean Meshugaaaaaaah!