CATS AND DOGS LIVING TOGETHER MASS HYSTERIA

It seems that the rumors are true that Dokken has set two California dates with Lynch Mob, a superior band led by former Dokken axeman/musclehead George Lynch. Ok this is pretty much what my world is about: These two primping egomaniacs, equally threatened by the band's inexcusable back catalogue, have been warring for years. At least it seems that way though Dokken-Lynch relations haven't dominated my attention lo these two decades. But anyway, like the Poison-Def Lep beef brought to the stage, the smaller but more venomous Don-George conflict promises to be infinitely more uncomfortable. It seems likely that Don will object when George inevitably gets in his shot, or is perceived to have done so. George clearly plans to join the band onstage, which always makes the surviving members feel stepped on. Plus, peripheral cast like Mick Brown may feel inadequate since Lynch Mob is responsible for at least one awesome record while Dokken is for chicks. Mostly deaf chicks. What's next? A Blue Murder/Whitesnake tour?

LYNCH MOB N*GGAZ ARE THE CRAZIEST

A small point of pride is my early discovery of extremely profane hip hop. A major point of shame is that responsibility for my pre-teen N.W.A worship was an issue of proto-hipster magazine Option. If memory serves, R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe graced its cover, but inside was a surprisingly lengthy feature on the most dangerous non-Slayer band in America. Soon after eye-raping the article and deciding to dedicate my life to discomfiting squares to a similar extent as N.W.A, I marched to the record store where I passed over dozens of Metal tapes to purchase Ice Cube's debut solo album Amerikka's Most Wanted. In 1990 it was kosher for a recent 13-year old to plunk down $12 for an hour of R-rated sociopathic/-political rap. Good times.

It is weird, though, that throughout the record Cube namedrops George Lynch's post-Dokken band like a billion times. I was expecting him to turn up on Lynch Mob's debut record that same year, but no dice. Just tons of kick-ass hard rock. But on that same note, back when Rocklahoma was announced there was a shit ton of Lynch Mob talk coming from Lynch -- singer Oni Logan's return, a proper sequel to the aforementioned record, blah blah blah. Boner City, right? But what followed was months of Lynch's other project (with a guy from Brides of Destruction), a cancelled tour with Cinderfella, and a trek with Paul Gilbert (yay!) and Richie Kotzen (nay). Well, fucking finally Lynch Mob is ready to party and the record's done and good gravy Lynch is threatening to tour with Dokken here somebody else wrote this already. Lynch to someone:

I'm talking a little preemptively here, but one of the things on the table is a potential Dokken-Lynch Mob tour — kind of like that WWF spectacle where you come out with all that history and get people talking, and that's always good. And we'll play some Dokken songs as well in our set. And they're welcome to play some Lynch Mob songs, but that's not gonna happen... I'm kidding.

Uh Lynch has every right to be a douche, but really he thinks Don Dokken is going to allow this? Joining Dokken on stage? Playing Dokken songs immediately prior to Dokken's set? Oni Logan whaling on his cheeseball antics? That will neverrrr happen! Or maybe Lynch is joking. He's joking. Yeah. That's it.

I'M A HONKY SELLOUT

One point of pride for me always was my emotional and developmental stasis, which allowed me to stay childlike/-ish and rarely deal with the heartbreak of 'growing out' of certain bands. Dudes always grouse to me like Oh I used to be into Megadeth but now I'm not. Like your car got broken into at the gig in Rockford and the villains made off with your good taste in Metal. I don't get it. To me, So Far, So Good ... So What? sounds better everyday. Not boastful; thankful. I truly would be unable to cope if this song ever ceased to blast my ballbag.

But my secret shame is this vexing, growing, and extremely honky love for blues-based hard fucking rock. Super-hard rock, like BulletBoys and Dangerous Toys and Badlands, all tapes I financed as a pre-teen by borrowing liberally from casually stowed purses. So I have changed after all. Damn. My already embarrassing fondness for these acts has expanded beyond reasonable limits, and even worse goddammit somehow major no-no's like Lynch Mob and Kix are cemented firmly in my rotation. That iPod play count doesn't lie. The other day I busted myself humming along to fucking Jackyl! Are you hearing this? The chainsaw guy??? 

And Dangerous Toys excepted, each of these bands to some extent undermines my firm anti-cracker blues stance with their wailing, contorted singers, all doing ahem 'the blues' about rough dames and bad drink. More than anything, they're ripping off Robert Plant. But that doesn't really make me feel any less uncomfortable. And the fact that I even relate at all to monster stomps like Lynch Mob's "She's Evil But She's Mine" (above) indicates that a) my life force has been sucked out by some reckless, indecisive tramp; and b) I'm only one step away from growing a ponytail in time for the next picnic table bluesfest out in the suburbs. 

GO ROCK WILDLY AT ROCK GONE WILD

One of Knocked Up's touching scenes is Harold Ramis talking about drugs with his son, Seth Rogan. "No pills or powders," Ramis' policy reads. I hope to cover that with my hypothetical kids, time permitting. But for now, my plan is to use those quiet father-son moments before the young man's wedding/arraignment to reaffirm the heavy sleaze rock ideals cherished by our family for generations: D. Toys, B-Boys, Ratt, Badlands; Love/Hate, Lynch Mob, and Junkyard. Stay with the bluesy, powerful bands with hot guitarists. The less smiling the better, good drummer a plus. Sex song to drug song ratio 1:1 tops. I'll only be reminding him of something he senses innately, since he'll have been conceived at next summer's four-day Rock Gone Wild event in Algona, Iowa, Aug 20-23. So far, Dangerous Toys (yay, above) and Junkyard (super yay) join Helix (uh) and Saigon Kick (why not) as RGW's confirmed bands, though it's just common sense that members of Slipknot will be joining the latter for rousing medley "Love Is On The Way/Circle." I've gone 'rock wild' before, but can only predict what 'rock gone wild' looks like; I assume it involves Taime Downe and Vince Neil rubbing their knockers together. Yeah, savor it.