LYNCH MOB N*GGAZ ARE THE CRAZIEST

A small point of pride is my early discovery of extremely profane hip hop. A major point of shame is that responsibility for my pre-teen N.W.A worship was an issue of proto-hipster magazine Option. If memory serves, R.E.M. frontman Michael Stipe graced its cover, but inside was a surprisingly lengthy feature on the most dangerous non-Slayer band in America. Soon after eye-raping the article and deciding to dedicate my life to discomfiting squares to a similar extent as N.W.A, I marched to the record store where I passed over dozens of Metal tapes to purchase Ice Cube's debut solo album Amerikka's Most Wanted. In 1990 it was kosher for a recent 13-year old to plunk down $12 for an hour of R-rated sociopathic/-political rap. Good times.

It is weird, though, that throughout the record Cube namedrops George Lynch's post-Dokken band like a billion times. I was expecting him to turn up on Lynch Mob's debut record that same year, but no dice. Just tons of kick-ass hard rock. But on that same note, back when Rocklahoma was announced there was a shit ton of Lynch Mob talk coming from Lynch -- singer Oni Logan's return, a proper sequel to the aforementioned record, blah blah blah. Boner City, right? But what followed was months of Lynch's other project (with a guy from Brides of Destruction), a cancelled tour with Cinderfella, and a trek with Paul Gilbert (yay!) and Richie Kotzen (nay). Well, fucking finally Lynch Mob is ready to party and the record's done and good gravy Lynch is threatening to tour with Dokken here somebody else wrote this already. Lynch to someone:

I'm talking a little preemptively here, but one of the things on the table is a potential Dokken-Lynch Mob tour — kind of like that WWF spectacle where you come out with all that history and get people talking, and that's always good. And we'll play some Dokken songs as well in our set. And they're welcome to play some Lynch Mob songs, but that's not gonna happen... I'm kidding.

Uh Lynch has every right to be a douche, but really he thinks Don Dokken is going to allow this? Joining Dokken on stage? Playing Dokken songs immediately prior to Dokken's set? Oni Logan whaling on his cheeseball antics? That will neverrrr happen! Or maybe Lynch is joking. He's joking. Yeah. That's it.