I CAN STOP ANY TIME I WANT

So here's some breaking news I'm an idiot and forgot to link to Tuesday's coverage of Steel Panther on Metal Sucks. I love the MS guys cuz they know all the good shit and so what if they like IWABO? Really! I have an aunt who's been a cokehead for like four decades and her Christmas presents are always great, so we're cool. Likewise, Axl + Vince shit out holiday gifts onto my chest all year round by asking me to cheapen their internet-best Metal site with incoherent, monomaniacal Bellow Journalism (I like copyright that term or something). Oh and they love Living Colour too which is the unmistakable mark of people of taste and good genes. Everybody has a certain player who drove them to pick up a guitar and Vernon Reid is mine I heart you VR.

We're off topic but yeah once again it's Steel Panther time, today in honor of the kinda-new and extremely awesome video for "Fat Girl (Thar She Blows)" (above) a tune that's "Here I Go Again" meets "Down Boys" with backing vox ripped from Hysteria. So yes it's a perfect song. And the vid is a Metal Injection exclusive yummy! Finally, this time I swear there's no Steel Panther story left. I'm don't need to write about them. Shit this here writing is mostly about Metal Sucks. So that's it. Well, until Monday night. Godda wuv me!

METALSUCKS.NET: NOW WITH 100% MORE HOOM! PETTINESS

While HooM! is your one-stop source for Metal-related finger-pointing, emphatic scolding, and other paranoid jerkery, I'm basically the stumpy guy shouting "Yeah motherfucker!" over the shoulders of bad-ass dudes at MetalSucks and Metal Injection. Those guys rock giveaways and exclusive interviews like whoa. 

But this is an era of change, and I think it's in this spirit that MetalSucks honchos Vince Neilstein and Axl Rosenberg welcome me into their stable of esteemed reviewers, forging a sure-to-be historic cross-ethnic Metal pairing. Yay! Sure, my hostility and cheap shots reach a much larger crop of dudes. But beyond that, it's a historic, Obama-inspired Judeo-Italian alliance: money hoarder and pickpocket; the guys who secret the world's funds to underground bunkers joined with the guys who beat up your uncle for over-seasoning the scungilli; latka-flippers and linguini-twirlers;  the Oy! and the Ayyy; a Kosher-Greaser coalition ("we've both got big noses and gold chains on our chests!") Thanks MS guys! I won't let you down!

Check out the HooM! review of Satyricon's The Age Of Nero at MetalSucks now, acapisci?

DRUMMISM SUCKS

I wasn't born a drummist, drummism was taught to me. My first guitar teacher began the indoctrination with rude jokes, asides, and folk tales. 'How many drummers,' he once asked me, 'does it take to screw in a lightbulb?' I didn't know. 'None. They have machines for that now.' It was shocking, but I was very interested in learning those wicked sweeps in "Hangar 18" and kept quiet. At his weekly theory course, someone asked if it's okay to play sitting down and was greeted with barely veiled disgust and the derisive reply 'What are you, a drummer??' Once when we got into an elevator with a drummer, P*** abruptly started blathering about Dave Grohl being an 'instrument traitor.' How embarrassing.

That guitar teacher was one of the city's best players and the other was my uncle, also a rabid drummist. At family gatherings, I'd be leafing through Rip magazine when he'd whisper to watch out, the drummers are taking over everything. Did I want a drummer dating my sister? Or even my brother? 'But I don't have a brother'. "That's because of drummers!" he'd bellow. "Next thing ya know, they'll want their drums placed center stage." He'd already seen a band whose drummer stood while playing. And what about those bands with TWO drummers? Drunkenly, he'd slur "Hey! How can you tell if the stage is level? When drool's coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth bwa-hahahahaahaaaaa!" My aunts would exchange glances. "What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend? Homelessssss!"

I know this is ugly talk but it goes to illustrate my long road back from drummism. The guitar players in my life tried to be protective, but just ended up warping my attitudes. My life became small as I turned away from friends, lovers, and family who were part or full drummer. I recoiled from bands like Rush, Refused, and King Crimson. Lars Ulrich's drum accompaniment to Cliff Burton on "Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth)" was viewed as an act of drummer aggression. I hit bottom when the building manager sent a drummer to replace my windows, prompting me to launch into a shameful drummist tirade. But those days are long gone; in fact, just last week a drummer did an upgrade on my computer and I neither blasted the keyboard with canned air nor mashed it with handi-wipes. In fact, I am 100% clear of anti-drummer feelings as Behold ... The Arctopus' Charlie Zeleny explains the blast beat, courtesy of Sick Drummer's video channel on Metal Injection. Enjoy, learn, and remember: Fight Drummism!