DRUMMISM SUCKS

I wasn't born a drummist, drummism was taught to me. My first guitar teacher began the indoctrination with rude jokes, asides, and folk tales. 'How many drummers,' he once asked me, 'does it take to screw in a lightbulb?' I didn't know. 'None. They have machines for that now.' It was shocking, but I was very interested in learning those wicked sweeps in "Hangar 18" and kept quiet. At his weekly theory course, someone asked if it's okay to play sitting down and was greeted with barely veiled disgust and the derisive reply 'What are you, a drummer??' Once when we got into an elevator with a drummer, P*** abruptly started blathering about Dave Grohl being an 'instrument traitor.' How embarrassing.

That guitar teacher was one of the city's best players and the other was my uncle, also a rabid drummist. At family gatherings, I'd be leafing through Rip magazine when he'd whisper to watch out, the drummers are taking over everything. Did I want a drummer dating my sister? Or even my brother? 'But I don't have a brother'. "That's because of drummers!" he'd bellow. "Next thing ya know, they'll want their drums placed center stage." He'd already seen a band whose drummer stood while playing. And what about those bands with TWO drummers? Drunkenly, he'd slur "Hey! How can you tell if the stage is level? When drool's coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth bwa-hahahahaahaaaaa!" My aunts would exchange glances. "What do you call a drummer with no girlfriend? Homelessssss!"

I know this is ugly talk but it goes to illustrate my long road back from drummism. The guitar players in my life tried to be protective, but just ended up warping my attitudes. My life became small as I turned away from friends, lovers, and family who were part or full drummer. I recoiled from bands like Rush, Refused, and King Crimson. Lars Ulrich's drum accompaniment to Cliff Burton on "Anesthesia (Pulling Teeth)" was viewed as an act of drummer aggression. I hit bottom when the building manager sent a drummer to replace my windows, prompting me to launch into a shameful drummist tirade. But those days are long gone; in fact, just last week a drummer did an upgrade on my computer and I neither blasted the keyboard with canned air nor mashed it with handi-wipes. In fact, I am 100% clear of anti-drummer feelings as Behold ... The Arctopus' Charlie Zeleny explains the blast beat, courtesy of Sick Drummer's video channel on Metal Injection. Enjoy, learn, and remember: Fight Drummism!