Showing posts with label Cinderella. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Cinderella. Show all posts

10.15.2009

GREAT NOW I LIKE EUROPE




This week started off with a lapse in judgement that lead to a lunch of marked-down tamales from Ralphs. Obviously, the rest of my Monday was spent reading Decibel back issues in my surf-themed bathroom but Tuesday was no improvement. On that day came the sad realization that ugh I like a song by fucking Europe. Which is an admission equal in my family to oh say hidden hermaphroditism or plans to join Machine Head. How did it comes to this?

Well, it's stupid AOL Radio's fault. Their hair rock station rotates only one or two songs by each band, and that's great for bands like L.A. Guns who only have a pair of good songs (no not "The Ballad of Jayne"). Oddly, the exceptions are Ratt, Dokken, or Cinderella, three bands who all license like 40 songs. So this creates a situation where the listener, presumably captive at work, is fucking relieved to hear anything else. For example, "Valley of the Kings" by Blue Murder (yes!) or Europe's "Rock The Night" for which there is no excuse but hey here we are. It's one of those rock songs about rock songs and the appreciation thereof -- and it's by Europe, poof rock's most hatable white-teeth enthusiasts. That means it's as bad musically as it is lyrically, but what started as trying to place its faint resemblance to some other song (it still hasn't come to me), then morphed into toe-tapping and a couple "Whoa-oh"s. As of this week it's official I like it. And therefore I'm pretty much kicked out of my family.


6.18.2008

Why? Why!? WHY???!!!: Midnight Tolls For Cinderella; Carmine Appice Gets 'Stomp'ed; Judass Priest Double-Penetrates Your Wallet, Patience


It's Disappointment Week here at Hipsters Out Of Metal! A quick recap of what we're coming to grips with:

*Unable to secure financial backing, HooM! forgoes Iron Maiden concert. Not just Maiden, but the Maiden we all fell in love with: The Somewhere Back In Time tour 2008 saw the band drawing almost exclusively from their middle and best era, transporting fans through time to glorious, fugly 1988. 

*Independent efforts failed Tuesday to time travel to glorious, fugly 1988, where I would've caught a Maiden show, kicked the nuts of approx. 70 classmates, placed some sports bets, and put a giant padlock on my 2008 girlfriend's hoo ha.

*Everybody hates Katherine Heigl. Bullshit! That doctor show blows, but Knocked Up knocked me up and fucked my socks off. My dream of impregnating and enslaving an E! anchor -- right there on the screen! So, lay off the dumb bitch already. Sure, she can't go five minutes without running her stupid mouth, but who can? That just means she should be our leader! 

And, alas, the Disappointment gods are generous this week:

Hair rockers Cinderella postpone their summer tour after singer/guitarist Tom Kiefer is diagnosed with "a hemorrhaging vocal cord." I'm not surprised; judging from his voice, Kiefer's been storing a live aardvark in his throat since Jersey. 

Drummer Carmen Appice is impossible not to love. He's the gay pirate Muppet in Ozzy Osbourne's "Bark At The Moon" video (above), reprising the role years later with the mighty Blue Murder. So, naturally, the ex-Vanilla Fudge (gross) drummer has combined his love of Stomp, Slipknot, and the squandering of petroleum in this new clip for NASCAR's ... whatever. 

Speaking of gay pirates, the new Judass Priest double album landed with a thud this week, to everyone's half-surprise. The silver lining is the imminent release of the band's new book, How To Ensure Your Album Fails. From the back cover:

Are you too successful? Tired of people chanting your name? Want to shed all those pesky fans? 
Famous rockers JUDASS PRIEST show you how:
1. Overprice your album. It'll be harder to enjoy.
2. Pack your album with songs. Any song.
3. Exhaust listeners with uncooperative, purely non-exhilarating concepts. Eg., the invention of the cotton gin. 

Coming soon to the Business section of your favorite bookstore.