GREAT NOW I LIKE EUROPE

This week started off with a lapse in judgement that lead to a lunch of marked-down tamales from Ralphs. Obviously, the rest of my Monday was spent reading Decibel back issues in my surf-themed bathroom but Tuesday was no improvement. On that day came the sad realization that ugh I like a song by fucking Europe. Which is an admission equal in my family to oh say hidden hermaphroditism or plans to join Machine Head. How did it comes to this?

Well, it's stupid AOL Radio's fault. Their hair rock station rotates only one or two songs by each band, and that's great for bands like L.A. Guns who only have a pair of good songs (no not "The Ballad of Jayne"). Oddly, the exceptions are Ratt, Dokken, or Cinderella, three bands who all license like 40 songs. So this creates a situation where the listener, presumably captive at work, is fucking relieved to hear anything else. For example, "Valley of the Kings" by Blue Murder (yes!) or Europe's "Rock The Night" for which there is no excuse but hey here we are. It's one of those rock songs about rock songs and the appreciation thereof -- and it's by Europe, poof rock's most hatable white-teeth enthusiasts. That means it's as bad musically as it is lyrically, but what started as trying to place its faint resemblance to some other song (it still hasn't come to me), then morphed into toe-tapping and a couple "Whoa-oh"s. As of this week it's official I like it. And therefore I'm pretty much kicked out of my family.

URINE LOVE

Something else I learned by religiously following Dee Snider's House of Hair is that an alarming number of hair rock classics may very well be about peeing on people. Steady your bowtie, sir, I shall continue. Ok for starters, Lita Ford's "Gotta Let Go" is pretty suggestive and there's really no doubt about "River of Love" by Lynch Mob. Then there's Ratt and the bizarrely anthemic HOH favorite "You're In Love" (above, worst video ever). I'm kinda ignorant about early Ratt cuz I got onboard with Top-10 All-Time Classic Single "Way Cool, Jr." (and its superb but overproduced Reach For The Sky album) and continue a lusty love affair also with Detonator, and shit I even love five or six tunes from the comeback record. But it's tough for me to go back in a band's catalogue. Doing so always results in disappointment, as the band sounds crude and underdeveloped; few bands have a stronger identity before a few records under their belt, and the rare acts with a formed personality from the jump (G n' R, Van Halen) invariably descend into insanity and wackness.

Anyway, the lyrics of the new wavey "You're In Love" are hilarious through a tinkle-tinted lens, such as singer Stephen Pearcy's description of a surprise piss attack from a stumble bum ("You take the midnight subway train/You're calling all the shots/You're struck by lightning/Urine Love!") or his boasts of accuracy ("I'm the one who's out and aims to please"). That's about whizzing on dudes seriously.

WALKING WITH A SPANTHER

I admit I'm not exactly in touch with the listening public or anything yet I still find it suspicious that Steel Panther fails to be a hot topic of discussion. That shit is hilarious. Sure, there are pretty regular items about some chode or another joining the band for a good-humored version of either "Don't Stop Believin'" or "Paradise City," depending if you're talking Kenny Loggins-drunk or fat ass Kelly Clarkson-drunk. From one of those on Blabbermouth comes Stephen Pearcy of Ratt joining the band for "Round And Round" and sweet fancy moses the place is kinda going nuts. Haus suck it up we're going. Feel The Steel out in a month.

***UPDATE: Feel The Steel not out in a month in U.S.

***UPDATE UPDATE: Feel The Steel out October 6. Sorry it says here Rocktober 6.

REACH FOR THIS GUY

Ratt - New Music - More Music Videos

So following that unforgivable Robbin Crosby crack, I spent the weekend blasting Ratt and reading up. Back in the '80s, details of an album's production were scarce so I had no idea that Michael Schenker of all people contributed guitars uncredited to Detonator (due to Crosby's uh unavailability) and what else do I find but that sources insist that Ratt's great 1988 album Reach For The Sky is universally reviled as a dud. What the fuck is that? Sure, "I Want A Woman" is dumb as shit while obnoxious is not a big enough term to describe the final minute of "Bottom Line" but come on. Those tunes rock anyway and there are no absolute pukers like "Dance" or "Wack Off Communication." Few pop-rock songs are as memorable or sweet as "What's It Gonna Be" and I bet dollars to donuts that fucking Aerosmith is jealous of "Way Cool Jr" (knocker-packed video above, also cute Boogie Nights-themed clip here). Toss in opener "City To City" and kinda hilarious ballad "I Want To Love You Tonight" and BAM you got yourself some pure awesome. Fuck off, world.

BUCKCHERRY'S GOOF JUICE IN YOUR HAIRY BINGLE-BANGLE

I got all veined up about Terrific Ted Nugent the other day and forgot to mention that his music is not totally worthless; nay, I fell head-over-heels for the Nuge's "Paralyzed" on Dee Snider's House of Hair. Pretty self-righteous tune, but it's 2008 and we'll take it. But let it be written: only one 12-step confrontational, carpe diem-themed song per album, please. That shit is toxic even in small quantities; ever hear Ratt's 1999 album? It's a syrupy, mid-tempo affair, but A&R beardo John Kalodner saves the reactivated Ratt's comeback album by enlisting a shitload of hired tunesmiths. They probably had to ask Steven Tyler's permission for Steve Dudas ("Just Push Play"), Mark Hudson ("Livin' On The Edge")* and Marti Friederickson ("Beyond Beautiful," "Attitude Adjustment")**; somehow there's still budget for Jack Blades*** and Jack Russell. But with bimbo singer Stephen Pearcy off lyric duties, sexy single entendres are replaced with catch phrases ripped straight from AA meetings and Gatorade commercials. It's "don't give up" this and "you're better than that" that and "live life to the fullest" blah blah boner ball bags.

Still, Ratt is a listenable record, no thanks to Ratt. But its crimes are not easily forgiven; hair rock bands must not function as greeting cards. And thus, it's nice to see LA's Buckcherry out there, as eminently suspicious that band is. I mean, how can any true blue boobs booze 'n barf band shift that many units in 2008? Oh that's right, it's because they're dumb as shit and rock about as hard as Weezer. But will they pull a Ratt, and sanitize their lyrics at Bayfest in Alabama? From Blabbermouth:

Buckcherry is contractually obligated to perform a profanity-free set, which could be a problem for the raunchy rock act. Guitarist Keith Nelson told AL.com: "We take the same show everywhere...we are what we are," while singer Josh Todd told The Pulse of Radio that he believes a rock concert is not supposed to be a wholesome experience. "We like to just go out there, host the party, have a blast, get everybody enjoying their lives and celebrating, you know, their existence, and that's what going to a rock show was when I was coming up," he said. "That's why I got into this, because it's a lot of fun, you know. You go there, you drink too much, you hook up with a total stranger and, you know, you talk about it for the rest of your life. That's the kind of experience we want to give to people."

*Uncle of Kate Hudson; fired from Disney's mismanagement-plagued Hollywood Records behind accusations of sexual harassment 

**The singing voice of Jeff Bebe (Jason Lee) in Almost Famous starring Kate Hudson

***Nugent's meal ticket in Damn Yankees

GO ROCK WILDLY AT ROCK GONE WILD

One of Knocked Up's touching scenes is Harold Ramis talking about drugs with his son, Seth Rogan. "No pills or powders," Ramis' policy reads. I hope to cover that with my hypothetical kids, time permitting. But for now, my plan is to use those quiet father-son moments before the young man's wedding/arraignment to reaffirm the heavy sleaze rock ideals cherished by our family for generations: D. Toys, B-Boys, Ratt, Badlands; Love/Hate, Lynch Mob, and Junkyard. Stay with the bluesy, powerful bands with hot guitarists. The less smiling the better, good drummer a plus. Sex song to drug song ratio 1:1 tops. I'll only be reminding him of something he senses innately, since he'll have been conceived at next summer's four-day Rock Gone Wild event in Algona, Iowa, Aug 20-23. So far, Dangerous Toys (yay, above) and Junkyard (super yay) join Helix (uh) and Saigon Kick (why not) as RGW's confirmed bands, though it's just common sense that members of Slipknot will be joining the latter for rousing medley "Love Is On The Way/Circle." I've gone 'rock wild' before, but can only predict what 'rock gone wild' looks like; I assume it involves Taime Downe and Vince Neil rubbing their knockers together. Yeah, savor it. 

  

Viva La Ratt: John Corabi Is A Pro; Stephen Pearcy Loves Tequila

In the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, there are slobbering dumbshits like Ratt vocalist Stephen Pearcy and there are rock-solid showstealers/-savers like Ratt rhythm guitarist John Corabi (ex-Motley Crue, The Scream). From Blabbermouth:

Ratt was forced to cut short its Friday, June 27 concert in Monterrey, Mexico, after lead singer Stephen Pearcy appeared to be incapacitated and was unable to complete the show. At one point, Pearcy lost his balance and fell into the crowd before being helped back to the stage by the venue's security personnel, only to fall backwards. He then got up and resumed singing as if nothing had happened. 

After performing for about 50 minutes, the band abruptly left the stage and reappeared a few minutes later, this time without Pearcy. Rhythm guitarist John Corabi, who is best known for having replaced Vince Neil as the frontman for Motley Crue in the early 1990s, apologized to the crowd and blamed the mishap on "jet lag" before taking over on lead vocals for a few tracks, including a couple of solo numbers and the Ratt songs "Body Talk" and "Round and Round".

Boy, it's sad that Ratt guitarist Warren DeMartini's livelihood is tied to batshit insane Pearcy. The universally-loved Corabi, on the other hand, is especially cool halfway through this clip when he gently reminds the Monterrey crowd of rock concert etiquette guidelines: 'Drinking? Ok. Fucking? Ok. Fighting? No fighting!'