SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT FOR VALENTINING

Hey guess what? It's Saturday night and I'm psyched for R&B chanteuse Brandy, who I just heard dumped William Morris for ICM. Also, Peter Gabriel is cool as shit for many reasons, but especially so in light of his refusal to perform just 60 seconds of his Oscar-nominated tune from Wall-E as part of a medley with the other two Best Song noms. Show producers are cutting heavily to keep running time to three hours but they probably didn't count on Pete's obliging them by withdrawing completely. Which do you prefer, Condon? too long to endure or too pointless to watch? Super Bowl broadcast producers: You fuckers are next. Fuck medleys.

To celebrate these two historic developments, I'm gonna make like Love/Hate and puke on somebody's loafers tonight. Hey I may even indulge my spiteful side and go all Warrior Soul (above) on some unsuspecting couple. Well how do YOU celebrate Valentine's Day?

GO ROCK WILDLY AT ROCK GONE WILD

One of Knocked Up's touching scenes is Harold Ramis talking about drugs with his son, Seth Rogan. "No pills or powders," Ramis' policy reads. I hope to cover that with my hypothetical kids, time permitting. But for now, my plan is to use those quiet father-son moments before the young man's wedding/arraignment to reaffirm the heavy sleaze rock ideals cherished by our family for generations: D. Toys, B-Boys, Ratt, Badlands; Love/Hate, Lynch Mob, and Junkyard. Stay with the bluesy, powerful bands with hot guitarists. The less smiling the better, good drummer a plus. Sex song to drug song ratio 1:1 tops. I'll only be reminding him of something he senses innately, since he'll have been conceived at next summer's four-day Rock Gone Wild event in Algona, Iowa, Aug 20-23. So far, Dangerous Toys (yay, above) and Junkyard (super yay) join Helix (uh) and Saigon Kick (why not) as RGW's confirmed bands, though it's just common sense that members of Slipknot will be joining the latter for rousing medley "Love Is On The Way/Circle." I've gone 'rock wild' before, but can only predict what 'rock gone wild' looks like; I assume it involves Taime Downe and Vince Neil rubbing their knockers together. Yeah, savor it.