COGENT LEGAL ANALYSIS FROM SLASH, GUITARIST

Blogger Kevin Cogill seemed a bit daft streaming unreleased Rose 'N Roses songs on his damn blog for all to see. And while it's entirely possible Cogill is a dumbshit, we at HooM! hold out for an ace up his sleeve, a decisive piece of exonerating evidence gone unreported by big media or perhaps the revelation that Cogill is Axl Rose in disguise. (The latter may sound far-fetched but, shit, Axl Rose is Axl Rose in disguise.) That said, the judge, jury, and executioner known as Slash carefully weighed the facts and handed down his verdict last week. Los Angeles Times, which is doing awesome these days, reports:

"I hope he rots in jail," said the former Guns N' Roses lead guitarist. "It's going to affect the sales of the record, and it's not fair. The Internet is what it is, and you have to deal with it accordingly, but I think if someone goes and steals something, it's theft."

Uh, yes, Slash, if 'someone goes and steals something,' that in fact constitutes 'theft.' Brilliant insight, champ. Never mind that Cogill hasn't been accused of stealing, but merely streaming (synonymous with 'distributing'?) unreleased songs which no one has proven were stolen. Slash's statement is, first and foremost, noxious and unconvincing Axl ass-kissery; second, it illustrates a confluence perpetrated by the RIAA (and intellectual property controllers en masse) in which possession equals piracy, reporting equals distribution, all of which equates to criminality. 

An additional hilarious facet: HooM! HQ is abuzz with debate about the language of this case, specifically the word 'theft.' In piracy cases, the burden is on the plaintiffs to prove demonstrable damage to their product, an impossible feat since there is no fucking product yet*. That hasn't stopped taxpayer-funded agencies from making arrests, setting in motion a case hinging on theft, a more cut-and-dried offense. Oh that's the other funny part: You're bankrolling the RIAA's crusade against the fucking pulse-stopping epidemic of guys named Kevin momentarily playing rock songs for other internet jockeys.

*In the LA Times piece, assistant US Attourney Craig Missakian insists that 'in reality, there is significant damage.' Um ... prove it? 

AXL ROSE IS A NARC

'Hey. Stop the song. I smell pot.'

We at HooM! are happy to report that there are no murderers, rapists, or terrorists left in America and now the FBI can finally move on to more important matters: safeguarding wAxl Rose's album that he's been holding over us lo these 48 years. Oh Axl, great one, will our ear-ginas ever be suitable to receive your golden shaft and its pearly load of hyper-evolved rock? From Billboard.com:

Federal authorities say they have arrested a blogger suspected of streaming songs from Rose N' Roses unreleased album, Chinese Democracy, on his Web site.

FBI agents arrested 27-year-old Kevin Cogill August 27 on suspicion of violating federal copyright laws. Federal authorities say Cogill posted nine unreleased Rose N' Roses songs on Antiquiet.com in June. The songs were later removed but spread quickly across the Internet.

Classy! According to a Cogill colleague at Antiquiet, the 'theatrical' FBI agents were 'anything but quiet and graceful during their ass-crack-of-dawn descent on [Cogill's] sleepy house.' Nice show of pointless force, dorks. Last time I checked, leaking copyrighted material on the internet was not a violent crime and if Cogill were a flight risk, he probably would jumped town after the first time the RIAA's goon squad came calling. It's official: Axl has been revoked. Know what happens to narcs? They get face-banged by angry biker gangs. Enjoy.