THOSE WORSE THAN HIPSTERS OUT OF METAL!

Ugh on days like yesterday, one resists with great strength the urge to legitimize brazen fucktardery like this (above) with precious time and energy. But shit I'm petty, so yep those are new shirts bearing the visage of earth's most pathetic attention hound and internet non-celebrity. Poison is deserving of no defending cuz they suck balls, but all the same this is worthy of a nuclear-strength taint-kicking (in addition to the metaphorical load that Reign In Blonde shot into his eye).

Kinda like the booting destined to haunt Wolf Marshall, author of the ...And Justice For All guitar tab book. Which Hal Leonard hasn't bothered to update or revise since its thoroughly inaccurate pages began misleading tone-deaf teenage heshers 20 fucking years ago. Which, at $25, is grossly overpriced not even counting the suffering that accompanies even the briefest visit to Guitard Center. Which totally failed to impress my gf as I amorously leafed through it using my boner. Oh anyway but seriously Fuck Perez.

HooM! Point/Counterpoint: BRET MICHAELS AT THE TONYS

POINT

I WISH IT HAD NEVER HAPPENED

By Bret Michaels, Poison

I had a great time at the Tonys right up until [when] I got knocked out. After that, it was all a little blurry due to the fact that I got my bell rung pretty good. But I have no regrets. They treated us great, and it was a freak accident.

Personally, I wish it would have never happened. Then I could have went to the after-parties and hung with James Gandolfini and Anne Hathaway. I have a strange feeling, since I may be the only man that has been knocked out at the Tonys, it may never be forgotten.

Seriously, I mean, who gets knocked out at the Tonys?

COUNTERPOINT

I WISH IT WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN AND AGAIN

By The All-Seeing Cosmos

Musical Theater is fruity as hell, but at least it had style until recently, when nostalgia shows began to feature shitty pop songs from Abba and Poison. Then again, it's all worthwhile now that we all were witness to a renegade piece of scenery's brutal attack on Bret Michaels.

We've suffered the Broadway versions of classic fare like Dirty Rotten Scoundrels or Monty Python and quite frankly, the addition of jazz hands and sparkly scarves to Twisted Sister's "We're Not Gonna Take It" doesn't constitute an improvement. But to that we'd happily turn a blind eye if certain assurances could be made regarding an annual conking of a certain blond mimbo's head.

Honestly, it doesn't even have to be the Poison singer whom is savagely crushed by a big heavy falling thing for all to see. Guitarist C.C. Deville could stand in every couple years, himself due for a noggin-bonk. But let's make sure we keep the ratio at Michaels 2:1. After all, "Nothing But A Good Time" is merely a representative of his enormous catalogue of tuneless groaning and bad poetry.

In the interest of the Tonys event ratings, a little variety is essential. While 2010's ceremony is booked for an encore presentation of the Michaels melon-denting/sneezer-smashing, the following year Nathan Lane could just kick Michaels in the nads. I'm sure Kevin Spacey would sign on to break a 2x4 across Bret's back in an undisclosed year. That way we'd all be closer to even for "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." Geoffrey Rush's agent is working up an arm-in-the-garbage-disposal tribute to Rock Of Love.

SHIT EATER EATS SHIT

With a Lakers win and a big week of shows around the corner, my Sunday night was smashing even before a piece of scenery mercilessly attacked Poison lip sync'er Bret Michaels at the Tony Awards (??). Good times. And now to destroy this box of Cap'n Crunch. 

LAPSE OF TIME. SYNCHRO FREEZE.

Hey the new Voivod record Infini has a release date (early July) and artwork (above, too small guys), but thanks to a decrease in Voivod visibility and a rise in pussy-ass shit, other release date/artwork non-news is taking all the attention. In this case, Killswitch Engage and their forthcoming album produced by a slumming Brenden O'Brian. 

One wonders if -- in their honest moments -- the pleadcore/brocore bands realize they are are post-911 hair rock? It's like Godsmack and Disturbed and Shinedown are the really light stuff, like Slaughter, Poison, Warrant. The scream-scream-whine-whine bands are the next step up, good players who are heavier than the poofs. But they stick to the poof subject matter (girls/partying; broken hearts/you bitch/lifting weights) while attracting the male dollar by being tough and intense. Motley Crue. I guess the Badlands-Junkyard-BulletBoys-Dangerous Toys guys are represented by Warbringer and Municipal Waste, bands informed by the previous era's heaviest. It's like hair rock just got a lot heavier and less fun. 

WELL THIS IS AWKWARD

Anyone who's seen any of the several Hysteria making-of docs knows that Def Leppard singer Joe Elliott is a mega-douchestain. I particularly enjoy his convenient omissions regarding producer Mutt Lange's writing contributions to the kajillion-selling record. So months ago when Elliott tried to drum up lame drama with some cheap potshots at Poison drummer/non-rapist Rikki Rockett, it struck me as a bizarre move. Y'know, seeing as Def Lep and Poison both inhabit that depressing botox/bald spot touring realm.

But that doesn't mean the bonehead won't back-pedal like a mofo now that the two bands were packaged by someone at LiveNation for a sad, flabby summer tour. But you're saying if not Elliot's no-talent ass, who's to blame for the war of words? Foreigners. Obviously. Elliott tells AP: 

The supposed fight that we had with Poison wasn't a fight at all. It was taken out of context by a foreign journalist. I've spoken with [Poison vocalist] Bret Michaels, and he totally gets that it was taken totally out of context, and we don't have a problem with any of these guys, never have been.

Uhh really dude? Also, the above clip is hilarious for Elliott claiming L.A. glam bands were missing the point because they weren't weird and overtly faggy like '70s UK ponces. Yeah there's a real connection there. 

HooM! Point/Counterpoint: Bret Michaels vs. Jani Lane

Point

People Want To Rock Again

Bret Michaels, Poison

People are ready. They want to hear rock again; they want to go out and party and have fun. You want to go to a summer concert and not watch a band staring at its shoes for six hours and complaining. I think people want to hear rock. Everything is cyclical. Everyone wants to go to the party and the red carpet, but my life is 90% work. My icing on the cake is the hour and a half I play on stage.

Counterpoint

We Intend To Come Out And Rock The House

Jani Lane, Warrant

We're just really looking forward to doing this tour and showing people that this is not just a 'Let's go and do one last thing as a last hurrah.' We intend to come out, rock the house, have a great tour, and show people that we're gonna be around for a while. We're going to make a quality record and we'll see what happens. I'm pretty excited about it. We'll see you all this summer. Somewhere! Sometime!