ALL THAT REMAINS REMAINS DIGNITY-FREE

I love the guys in Shadows Fall but am hard on them um yknow because of all the sucky records. All That Remains however are lead by Metal's premiere douchestain who's now in a defensive crouch following an incident over the weekend in which his gf reportedly was propositioned by Shads frontman Brian Fair. Ugh via Twitter:

Phil Labonte: Sweet, Brian from Shadows Fall was trying to fuck my girlfriend tonight. Thanks to Ivan from 5FDP for sticking up for me. So much for home <3.

Brian Fair: @philthatremains Learn to think before you speak. I cant babysit everyone.

Jorie Salyers: Kinda bummed. Phil's pissed about last night. I guess I should be too, as I was the target, but I'm just trying not to lose everything atm. [Get a grip on yourself - Ed.]

Jorie Salyers: @brianshadfall No drama! So we'll let everything lie. I did tell Phil all you said, so you're aware. No need for ME to lie to him.

Hey remember the days when men weren't pussies so when some lead singer tried to compromise your chick's pussy perimeter, you either didn't care or quietly went about the business of punching faces? That was great. Now we have Earth's least likable fancy jeans enthusiast whining via 20-word sentences to bored internet jockeys about the universally beloved Fair. And this hilarious one-sided bitchfight doesn't even rise to the level of absurdity once you consider that the witnesses to Fair's transgression are the formerly anonymous girl herself and a guy from Five Finger Death Punch. One is a lead singer's gf and gosh they never start shit to glorify their own attention-humping selves (that's why they date tamponish lead singers ahem); the latter already is the source of 2009's other asinine half-ass non-story for retards. Hey I just farted and it smells sweet like Yogurtland! Stop the motherfucking presses.

ALL THAT REMAINS REMAIN NOT ALL THAT GOOD

Whenever some losebag starts wasting my life with a litany of work-related complaints, I take the opportunity to escape to my imaginary world of leisurely canoodling with Megan and Brandi C. (above) from VH1's I Love Money*. And I admit: That's a bit callous. Especially now that the tables have turned; lately I can't go two feet without groaning and barely suppressing the urge to face-knife somebody at my job. So for my lack of empathy, I apologize. I've been taken down a peg.

As penance, I muscled through the mind-bendingly mediocre new All That Remains album. Unambitious to the point of silliness and stripped of life by tappy, hyper-compressed production**, Overcome finds ATR striving to join the Fisher Price 'My First Metal Band' product line on toy store shelves right next to Avenged Sevenfold. Someone should rescue those guitar players. 

*Either the writing/editing on that show is tremendous or Brandi C. has the most cuddly, lovable personality ever.  Ever!

**I spotted you three minutes in, Suecof. Too bad there's no such show as Name That Producer.