ALL THAT REMAINS REMAINS DIGNITY-FREE

I love the guys in Shadows Fall but am hard on them um yknow because of all the sucky records. All That Remains however are lead by Metal's premiere douchestain who's now in a defensive crouch following an incident over the weekend in which his gf reportedly was propositioned by Shads frontman Brian Fair. Ugh via Twitter:

Phil Labonte: Sweet, Brian from Shadows Fall was trying to fuck my girlfriend tonight. Thanks to Ivan from 5FDP for sticking up for me. So much for home <3.

Brian Fair: @philthatremains Learn to think before you speak. I cant babysit everyone.

Jorie Salyers: Kinda bummed. Phil's pissed about last night. I guess I should be too, as I was the target, but I'm just trying not to lose everything atm. [Get a grip on yourself - Ed.]

Jorie Salyers: @brianshadfall No drama! So we'll let everything lie. I did tell Phil all you said, so you're aware. No need for ME to lie to him.

Hey remember the days when men weren't pussies so when some lead singer tried to compromise your chick's pussy perimeter, you either didn't care or quietly went about the business of punching faces? That was great. Now we have Earth's least likable fancy jeans enthusiast whining via 20-word sentences to bored internet jockeys about the universally beloved Fair. And this hilarious one-sided bitchfight doesn't even rise to the level of absurdity once you consider that the witnesses to Fair's transgression are the formerly anonymous girl herself and a guy from Five Finger Death Punch. One is a lead singer's gf and gosh they never start shit to glorify their own attention-humping selves (that's why they date tamponish lead singers ahem); the latter already is the source of 2009's other asinine half-ass non-story for retards. Hey I just farted and it smells sweet like Yogurtland! Stop the motherfucking presses.

GUITARISTS SAVE THE DAY AGAIN

Darkest Hour is kinda breaking my heart, because, like Dillinger Escape Plan and Caliban, they blew my world apart one night in concert then have failed repeatedly to deliver a great album. Dillinger is frustrating as hell in their inability to write more than two types of song (Bad Religion syndrome), but Darkest Hour is a close second, somehow eluding awesomeness despite counting among their ranks a Crown superfan and one of two murderous lead guitarists. It reminds me of my uncle groaning through a Sunday listening of Souls of Black, dismissively stating that no amount of superb guitarwork can salvage shitty lyrics and go-nowhere songs. I agreed curtly, but thought We haven't even gotten to "Absence of Light" yet, fucker.

As guitar playing gets awesomer and albums sound more rushed and formulaic, this idea is growing less true. Just ask the guitarists of Black Dahlia Murder, Shadows Fall, and Megadeth who've elevated respectively great, tiresome, and outright fraudulent Metal records with awesome fretfucking. Mustaine fired the drummer's damn brother to hire guitarist Chris Broderick, and the big asshole must be thrilled to get a Friedman-level player at less than the Pitrelli price.

THE MEN OF SHADOWS FALL ARE YOUR BABY TONIGHT

Hey who among us isn't beaming with pride as the economy tanks yet Metal is stepping up with mind-mangling tours one after another? The people of Metal seem to have exchanged shrugs and glances, deciding that illegal downloading or not, recording industry mismanagement or not, wave of unemployment and despair or not, the best medicine is loud Metal by the ton. If your head has been up your ass all month, observe:

Tours in progress:

• Soilwork with Darkane, Warbringer, Swallow The Sun

• As I Lay Dying with Protest The Hero, The Human Abstract, My Children My Bride

• Cradle of Filth with Satyricon, Septicflesh
  

Tours upcoming:

• Meshuggah with Cynic, The Faceless

• Lamb Of God with As I Lay Dying, Children of Bodom, God Forbid/Municipal Waste

• D*******d with Killswitch Engage, Lacuna Coil, Chimaira

• The Haunted with Nachtmystium, Kylesa, Intronaut

• Kreator with Exodus, Belphegor, Warbringer, Epicurean

As you can see, that'sa soma espicy meataballsa. Though for the life of me I can NOT see how God Forbid is opening that Lamb of God tour. And only half of it? Does AILD sell lotsa records or something? In HooM!World, it's a LoG/GF co-headline tour all the way. Huh. 

Anyway, SoCal Metal people get even more awesomeness as Shadows Fall (above, rrrrrar) is slated to play a surprise show in Fullerton TONIGHT for FREE to the first 200 people. SF is kinda like Living Colour to me: a top-notch bunch of players and 100% super-happy-Tom-Cruise-blue-jeans dudes, but a great album has thus far eluded them. With every day there's fresh hope. And hope for freshness. 

I'M SORRY BUT I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T COME

Every year when the goofy NAMM convention rolls around, I get kinda baffled as to why this shit isn't open to the general public. True, the event's nerd levels are already intoxicatingly high, what with all those gearheads and salesmen and shills and unplayable instruments (above, Tony Levin nerrrrrd!) packing Anaheim Convention Center. So what's the difference if a few thousand more dorky ball-sweaters join in the fun, like at those comics and video games shindigs? Instead, the public is bombarded with press releases covering clinics and signings to which we are not invited. I'm not in the musical instrument retail industry (thank god) but just look at this Ibanez booth roster, man!

Friday, January 16:

Dino Cazares (Divine Heresy, Asesino, ex-Fear Factory, enormous ass)

Muhammed Suicmez (Necrophagist)

Matt Bachand (Shadows Fall)

Chris Broderick (Megadeth)

Steve Vai (full-length leather coat enthusiast)

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (The Mars Volta)

Pablo Hinojos-Gonzalez (The Mars Volta)

Paul Gilbert (Mr. Big, Racer X)

Andy Timmons

Peter Iwers (In Flames)

Paul Romanko (Shadows Fall)

Fieldy (Korn)

Saturday, January 17:

Herman Li (Dragonforce)

Sam Totman (Dragonforce)

Mick Thomson (Slipknot)

Joe Satriani (Suing Coldplay)

Just think, I could wear out my voice on Friday jeering Andy Timmons (he's from Danger Danger right?) and Peter Iwers while getting a second shot at asking Vai all my Slip of the Tongue questions and humping the leg of the Necrophagist guy. Bachand (thanks for the beer tokens dude) and Gilbert (International House of Cereals) are national treasures so I'd lurk at a safe distance wherever they decided to drink post-app. Leaving plenty of time to wake up early on Saturday to egg the Dragonforce guys. P.S. Omar from The Mars Volta plays Ibanez? Um not unless they comped him a guitar made of crack ZING!