JOEYTHRAX/BLUE MURDER/THE CROWN WORLD TOUR 2010

My beach therapy is ramping up lately to combat the toll of exhaustion from being a hopeful Metal fan this month. It takes a lot of energy to will into reality certain events and scenarios. First example is the departure from Thin Lizzy of guitarist/thunderpenis John Sykes, who, in accordance with my wishes, will soon embark on a monster Blue Murder reunion tour; and not that non-union Mexican equivalent (Marco Mendoza/Tommy O'Steen) I mean the real shit with farty bassist Tony Franklin and 110-year old drummer Carmine Appice and it would culminate in a 14-night stand at historic L.A. venue Anso's Pants.

So on top of that, I'm half-assedly begging the cosmos to mandate a Joey Belladonna-fronted Anthrax in 2009. The great Thrash bands all are returning to their Thrash line-ups; Thrash is real and Joey is the man for this job. Time is short, Nonthrax. But HooM! priorities are shifting from so very old Blue Murder and lost cause Anthrax to Dobermann, the new band that's the Crown with non-Johan Lindstrom singer Andreas Bergh. Oh wait not anymore. From Blabbermouth:

Dobermann recently parted with Bergh and has already enlisted an as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer and is currently recording a collection of tunes which are being described as pure death/thrash metal.

Ok not to be a stickler but it's impossible to be pure death/thrash metal since the two styles are distinct so combining them results by definition in a mixture. Pure thrash or pure death: sure. Shit that's not important but anyway, if the as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer were Lindstrom, therefore effecting a Crown reunion by proxy, would they refer to him in those terms? But it's possible; after all, this is the first year in a while his band One Man Army & The Band Name Is Too Long didn't do a record (though reportedly an untitled fourth album is slated for 2010 release). I'm exhausted with all this psychic hoping. Since Obama and Faith No More, it seems like anything's possible.

Keeping Up With The Crown

Though Trollhättan, Sweden's The Crown rendered my life meaningless in 2004 by breaking up, ex-members of the criminally underappreciated death metal quintet didn't remain quiet for long. Figuratively speaking, of course, since no one's paying attention. If four bands form in a desolate forest, where do they plug their shit in?

• Bassist/principal songwriter Magnus Olsfelt's Stolen Policecar recorded their debut album at ex-Crown rhythm guitarist Marko Tervonen's Studio MT for Bulldog Records. Or so they announced back in fuckin January 2007 to the delight of at least two chicks from Japan. The album has yet to surface, but two finished tracks stream here, including "Hard And Confused," a slab of sleaze punk that asks the age-old question: What's a little lipstick on your penis? For fans of Minus and The (International) Noise Conspiracy. Yeah. All two dozen of them.

• Speaking of Tervonen: The Crown's other big songwriter fronts Angel Blake, whose debut album was snore city but fuck it -- so is every album in the HIM heavy rock vein. Also underachieving in this band is ex-Crown mega-drummer/vowel hog Janne Saarenpää, who sat out AB's spring and summer dates supporting their sophomore album, The Descended. To the delight of the same chicks from Japan. 

• Lead guitarist Marcus Sunnesson and his awesome hair joined with former members of Evergrey (ugh) and In Flames (gag) in Engel. Though In Flames frontman Anders Fridén and his awful hair co-produced debut album Absolute Design, my hopes remain high for Engel since Metal Hammer (UK) voted the quintet one of 2006's best unsigned bands and they won a demo contest at Rock Hard (Germany). Wonder what the two Japanese chicks think of the band's fancy outfits. 

• Surprisingly, best representing The Crown camp is former vocalist Johan Lindstrand, AKA the guy who was replaced by the dreaded Tomas Lindberg (At The Gates) for one album. Lindstrand's awesome One Man Army & The Undead Quartet is completing post-production on their third album slated for a late 2008 release; if the pattern holds, Grim Tales will be even awesomer than last year's taut, violent Error In Evolution. Lindstrand and his hyper-prolific band draw the most comparisons to The Crown, mostly because, like The Crown, their records are available for purchase and they play shows in front of living people. Still no sign of the two chicks from Japan. Oh wait here they are.

Buy The Crown CDs here and here or I'll enter your bladder and lay eggs.