THAT VINCE NEILSTEIN REALLY BOILS MY POTATO

My heart felt all gooey today after peeking at Metal Sucks, where co-honcho Vince Neilstein took us through time to last week and an incoherent HooM! virtual high-five to Franshe prog-awesomists Gorod. But enough about them this is just the breakthrough I've been awaiting to ratchet up the intensity of mine and Vince's e-cuddling; I imagine he is a firm but gentle hugger with soft elbows uh ahem what? anyway cough he led the article with a nod to HooM! faves One Man Army and The Undead Quartet and check out the pristine construction on this guy. No ending the sentence with a prep on Metal Sucks, jerkholes!:

Like Stratovarius, 1MA+U4 is one of those bands whose name constantly graces Blabbermouth headlines but to whom I’ve never actually listened.

Now, my tight-ass teachers would tell you it should've read to which I've never actually listened but rules get fuzzy when applied to a thing ('bands') which is comprised of people (ex-The Crown screamer Johan Lindstrom et al). But even that gets stretched when UK guys say janky-sounding shit like 'Black Sabbath are brilliant.' I'm a real crowd-pleaser so I'll cover all bases with little stylistic cheats like the members of (for who/m) or the music of (which/that) and such. But shit this isn't about me, it's about Vince-Nasty, the second Metal journo to be treated this week to a tonguebath on HooM!. But hey let that be a lesson; good grammar means success just ask Mike Muir, Thrash Metal Grammarian! He says fucking therein in this jam.

GOATWHORE FANS, I IMPLORE YOU

Sundays are new Metal day at HooM! HQ and to spice things up, I engage the shuffle-by-album feature and headbang by surprise. On other days I'm extra short on attention span, most often mid-June to January when there's no Sunday NBA to stare at, and that might demand shuffle-by-song, so six or so hours are spent listening to two dozen new and new-to-me Metal records. Such a day was Sunday and it was really educational.

I learned that the Heaven + Hell record happened because Dio is a professional songwriter while Ozzy is a professional interviewee. Also, this kinda sounds stupid but in a very real sense, The Devil You Know seems like a Dio album for which he hired Black Sabbath to back him. Not to imply that Dio wrote everything (Geezer, Tony no doubt); but the RJD presence rules the album. He's been in the business for 50 fucking years, but no Rock Hall of Fame. Huh.

I learned that in Gorod, technical metal is being wrested away from clever East Coast hipsters and back into the domain of heshers thank you Europe. Like any good pursuit, it is improving itself and less and less frequently being comprised of five guys wanking in unison. Hey back to that Hall of Fame thing; there should actually be a Metal Hall of Fame facility. Real shit too, not energy drink rock or muscle guy stuff. I'm thinking of saaaay a life-sized Sunset Strip with live prop sluts. A Bay Area Thrash exhibit featuring a punchable Dave Mustaine. Lars Ulrich's coke ladle. And so on.

I remembered that One Man Army + The Undead Quartet rules and one of their best weapons is ex-The Crown singer Johan Lindstrom, who is easily one of Metal's most dynamic screamy voices. Especially on their second record Error In Evolution, and their third in as many years Grim Tales. Oh yeah remember my shit was on shuffle? Around the end of the Angels game, it started to feel like I was drawing a lot of Grim Tales songs, but then it turned out half of those songs came from Goatwhore's Carving Out The Eyes of God. Which is a pretty big record and yet 1MA+U4 couldn't sell out my bathroom. Damn.

DEVIN TOWNSEND IS A FUNEREAL WINNER

Super HooM! thanks to the awesome awesomists who voted on the awesome HooM! Funeral Music poll. My choice would've been The Crown's "Dawn Of Emptiness" but jeez it took all month to decide. And it came down to the song's terminus, not ironically, which in the case of our winner, Devy's epic "Dynamics" (above, best voice of all time?), is an unresolved bummer. Meanwhile, "Dawn" leaves on a note of triumphant and omnicidal menace, which is 100% what my life has been about. That and Cinnamon Toast Crunch that shit is delicious.

JOEYTHRAX/BLUE MURDER/THE CROWN WORLD TOUR 2010

My beach therapy is ramping up lately to combat the toll of exhaustion from being a hopeful Metal fan this month. It takes a lot of energy to will into reality certain events and scenarios. First example is the departure from Thin Lizzy of guitarist/thunderpenis John Sykes, who, in accordance with my wishes, will soon embark on a monster Blue Murder reunion tour; and not that non-union Mexican equivalent (Marco Mendoza/Tommy O'Steen) I mean the real shit with farty bassist Tony Franklin and 110-year old drummer Carmine Appice and it would culminate in a 14-night stand at historic L.A. venue Anso's Pants.

So on top of that, I'm half-assedly begging the cosmos to mandate a Joey Belladonna-fronted Anthrax in 2009. The great Thrash bands all are returning to their Thrash line-ups; Thrash is real and Joey is the man for this job. Time is short, Nonthrax. But HooM! priorities are shifting from so very old Blue Murder and lost cause Anthrax to Dobermann, the new band that's the Crown with non-Johan Lindstrom singer Andreas Bergh. Oh wait not anymore. From Blabbermouth:

Dobermann recently parted with Bergh and has already enlisted an as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer and is currently recording a collection of tunes which are being described as pure death/thrash metal.

Ok not to be a stickler but it's impossible to be pure death/thrash metal since the two styles are distinct so combining them results by definition in a mixture. Pure thrash or pure death: sure. Shit that's not important but anyway, if the as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer were Lindstrom, therefore effecting a Crown reunion by proxy, would they refer to him in those terms? But it's possible; after all, this is the first year in a while his band One Man Army & The Band Name Is Too Long didn't do a record (though reportedly an untitled fourth album is slated for 2010 release). I'm exhausted with all this psychic hoping. Since Obama and Faith No More, it seems like anything's possible.

YOUR FUNERAL MUSIC

Those abusive jerks at MetalSucks wouldn't let me write about it, but here goes goddammit it was I who counted St. Anger among the 21st century's best Metal on the now-infamous MS List. Wait shit not St. Arship but seriously, betcha didn't notice The Crown's Possessed 13 received 21 points, equivalent to a single #1 ranking. Yep, ladies, that was moi! My favorite goddamn record of the last bunch of years wasn't even sneezed on by a single other voter. EAT SHIT EACH OF YOU!!

In related news, I love to party and yet certain songs inevitably prompt me to envision my own funeral. What can I tell ya. I don't want any of that downer shit, just dress me in a Testament shirt, tuck copies of Angel Dust and Seventh Son into the coffin, and be blasted with face-scorching Metal as the proceedings conclude. I will've wanted it that way. Vote for Possessed 13's haunting and celebratory finale "Dawn of Emptiness" in HooM!'s Your Funeral Music poll. Yeah I bet you like that bolding. We're bringing it.

SPEAR IS THE 'HIND DRILLER

Like eight awesome records are streaming on shitty, crash-causing MySpace sites and though I got a good look at The Mars Volta's new record at work, I don't really devote valuable office listening hours to anything heavier. To squares, even Voivod sounds like the beating of a baby with a cat. I talk the talk, so my co-workers are exceptionally knowledgeable about The Crown and Testament.

What I'm getting at is I want to crank the new Suffocation, Voivod, and Darkest Hour, and yes even those fruitcakes in Killswish Engayge get their day in court. But I don't cuz sheesh for some people it's hard to work with some guy(s) grunting. Though not rocking out, at least I can get some laughs reading Dino Cazares howlers. It's so disingenuous that he's suddenly all about Fear Factory. And I'd really like to enjoy a metal band with the shapely ass of Strapping Young Lad and the fat boobs of old Fear Factory, now known as Fuck Fucktory. But that's ruined by this sub-moronic public mudslinging.

Look, I get it; with Stroud and Hoglan, FF is supercharged. But this isn't the way to do it. In fact, why not just do FF with Wolbers/Hererra and simultaneously do the all-fatass Stround/Hoglan project, The Stubbly Doublechins. That way we all win and Burton Bell will never again need to bullshit us. And holy shit am I reading this right? did Cazares actually say I could sue [Wolbers] for stealing my riffs? That is fucking baby talk.

SCHLEIBAUM WEARS THE CROWN

The first time I saw Darkest Hour they ripped my face off. Which is fine since I was ugly as shit and am the proud owner of this pristine new face kindly donated by The Gersh Agency. Strangers are wont to lick me as I pass damn I'm hot. Anyhoo, as awesome as it is when bands make you stand there agape, wondering aloud why you didn't get into their shit earlier, there's often a let-down once you get home and play the CD you raced to the merch table to buy. Suddenly, meh, whatever, I musta been high at the show. Not the case with DH (or Hypocrisy holy shitnoodles), and even after a minor step back (2007's merely great Deliver Us), and light one mega virtuoso (Norris you better have something huge up your sleeve uh gross), DC's best melodic death metalcore quintet is poised to wear the MDM crown in 2009. If not for their awesomeness, then because the throne has been vacated by um The Crown, who broke up/my heart in 2004 like a buncha jerks after dropping three consecutive atom bombs. 

For The Crown's baffling non-success, Darkest Hour guitarist Mike Schleibaum and I blame YOU, and to a lesser extent ourselves -- me everyday while muttering under my breath, Schleibaum in a more far-reaching forum, MetalSucks:

Yeah OK, there are probably a few dudes thinking, “Shit, I know who The Crown are. Is he crazy?” I’ll get into it later, but I know for a fact that even at the height of their popularity in the USA, we as metal heads in the states did a shitty job of showing the love. (And that was four or five years ago!) It’s with this in mind that I fear this great band (in particular this specific great record) may pass unnoticed and in the spirit of all things rock I offer up to you The Crown and thei slaughtering Deathrace King (2000) record! Take it from a dude who has spent all of his adult life searching for inspiration in metal: this band, this record, are inspiring.

Get on the path to forgiveness by reading the rest of Schleibaum's Crown worship. And for the love of Pete, get Deathrace King, their first classic. Amazingly, this band developed their songwriting, arranging, production, and performance on each album, meaning that their final album, 2003's Possessed 13, was their greatest achievement, followed by the ridiculous Crowned In Terror/Crowned Unholy (released in 2002 and re-recorded/released in 2004, respectively). 

And please good Metal people, let us not repeat our errors when 4/5ths of The Crown makes their return as sigh Dobermann. 

THE HOOM! YEAR IN METAL 2008: SIMPLE, BLACK, BEAUTIFUL ... CLASSIC

7.1 WARBRINGER * WAR WITHOUT END (Century Media)
7.2 ONE MAN ARMY & THE UNDEAD QUARTET * GRIM TALES (Nuclear Blast)

Newsflash! According to a University of New South Wales study, the act of headbanging causes brain damage. And to that, we all say: DUH. I swear, can we put a moratorium on further pointless studies on Metal, satanism, drugs, violence, suicide, subliminal messages, blag blag blurg? Please? Seems like such a waste of resources and thus we at HooM! will conduct an in-depth study on the effectiveness of retarded studies on Metal and Metal listeners. OK finished! Our conclusion: Zero. No effect on us.

Those nimrods at the School For Risk & Safety Sciences in Aww-stralia coulda saved their precious time and known about glorious Metal brain damage had they just given a close listen to the two dumbest, awesomest Metal records of 2008, both the obvious result of excessive noggin floggin'. First, Warbringer's raging debut, War Without End. It's easy to label Warbringer plagiaristic or even ahem trendy, which makes sense since you can't turn on MTV or commercial radio without first track "Total War" blaring in your face. But seriously, Warbringer walks the fine line between rip-off and tribute with extreme deftness. Here's how to tell the difference: Push play on War Without End. Wait four minutes. Do you find it

a) a shallow attempt at classic Thrash that makes you want to press stop and go listen to Reign In Blood and Fabulous Disaster?
b) a relic that seems to have slipped through time from 1985 Bay Area to your ears?
c) a good-hearted album-length riot that balances genre touchstones with post-Thrash elements to create not a wax dummy of Metal but the reopening of the era?

See, a) would imply Warbringer just dressed their empty, impactless album up in Thrashisms but only suceeded in reminding you of their forebears. Selection b) would be stale in content and suspicious in motive; grungeternative or not, Metal has come a long way since the old days. And hey tribute bands are like ugly outgoing chicks: a good time, sure, but only for one very drunken night. So we land on c), in which Warbringer doesn't shun rumbling double bass and the occasional growl for authenticity's sake. In which Warbringer axemen Adam Carroll and John Laux aren't satisfied to write by-the-numbers Thrash riffs but awesome riffs within the Thrash-ish idiom. In which Warbringer singer haha John Kevill goes all John Connelly/Tom Araya, which seems energy-consuming enough to be undertaken only by a true Thrasher. In which the Ventura quintet pick up what the '90s dropped. In which Warbringer rips.

And then there's One Man Army & The Undead Quartet, possibly the most unwieldy name this side of those emo dorks who use as their moniker an entire T.S. Eliot stanza. 1MA&U4's mastermind is Johan Lindstrom, former singer of The Crown, who is a little caught up in terror-stalker-murder imagery (see cover art, above) but can't help but retain his former band's unparalleled understanding of Death Metal: When vocals become a growly rhythm instrument instead of purveyors of melody, then guitars must pick up the hooky, catchy slack. Arch Enemy guitarist Michael Amott pays lip service to this ideal, but only as a slightly misguided antidote to good cop-bad cop vocals. Which suck-diddly-uck (unless you have an unbelievably awesome singer cough Soilwork cough cough). The Crown, however, shat out hummable riffs all over those last three records, while Lindstrom and drummer Janne Saarenpaa mastered brain-snaring counter-rhythms. Y'know, in the realm of that finale-starting riff of "Holy Wars...The Punishment Due": not melodic, but screamingly catchy. Grim Tales, 1MA&U4's third and best outing, is a straighter, poppier affair, with the aforementioned slash-your-throat lyrics taking center stage. But a Crown-trained musician like Lindstrom is like a five-star chef (hi Jenny) preparing you a burger. Yeah, it's just meat and bread, but what's this avocado-mango salsa and fancy chipotle mustard? Hey wow sesame seeds that don't cascade off the bun on contact! How'd you slice it that way so none of the onions go squirting out when I bite down? Mmmm. Metally.

CROWNED UNWATCHABLE

It's as though a warm breeze cleansed HooM! Headquarters this weekend thanks to my acquisition of the brand new 4-in-1 Lethal Weapon complete set ($13!). One new inclusion to the director's cut is a first act-scene in which Riggs, standing upright, downs a sniper from a hundred yards. With a pistol. Preposterous, surely, but not as wildly retarded as my other big get, The Crown's 14 Years of No Tomorrow (above), disc one of which bears a pathetic, self-worshipping ahem documentary of the ill-fated band. Composed mainly of title cards and more title cards, the 70-minute doc feels more like a series of trailers written by a pre-teen Goosebumps enthusiast. Band interviews? Not really. Rare live footage? Relegated to disc 3. Insight or narrative of any kind? Fail. Since 2002, I'm basically one night of partying away from a Crown face tattoo yet now I'm more inclined to a quick seek-and-kick-nuts mission upon those responsible for this abortion. 

Metal people, don't be the next casualty of embarrassing, corny DVDs, like God Forbid's hilariously-titled Beneath The Scars of Glory and Progression. Um, huh? It's your stupid DVD, dudes, not a conquest of distant moons. In fact, don't comment on your own band ever, you semi-literate dunces. That's the exclusive domain of semi-literate wannabe dunces on the internet.

THE ABSENCE MAKES THE CROWN GROW FONDER

The Crown made three of the killerest Metal records of all time but also to their detriment are mired in confusing shit. OK, my first album was Crowned In Terror, their only outing without singer Johan Lindstrom. He returned for Terror's follow-up, Possessed 13, which confused the shit out of me, since his replacement on Terror was similarly named At The Gates frontman Tomas Lindberg. Even confusinger, for The Crown's next and final recording, the death 'n rollers remade the Lindberg album as Crowned Unholy (a combination of the original title and side A highlight "Drugged Unholy"). The Lindstrom-fronted Crown is threatening and scary, perfect for Possessed 13's frightfest vibe; with screaming banshee Lindberg out front for Terror, the result is even more volatile and (literally) thrashing. "Drugged Unholy" is a good example; Lindberg sounds totally out of control, flailing like a shirtless paint-huffing hesher on Cops. He's the leader of the super-zombies in Quarantine. 

In a parallel dimension, Lindberg and The Crown did more records instead of splitting acrimoniously and thereby setting the stage for Lindstrom's return (and an At The Gates reunion for Lindberg). Ew and Lindberg's nu-metal (The Great Deceiver) and death metal (Disfear) projects. So when it was announced in July that The Crown guys were reforming without Lindstrom (now fronting the superb One Man Army & The Undead Quartet), fans of Crowned In Terror like me began to hope for a second dose of Lindbergian Crown. But the new Crown band, called um Dobermann, has since enlisted Deathstars/Swordmaster singer Andreas Bergh, not Lindberg, so my dreams for Crowned In Terror II are crushed. Untilllll I heard about a totally unrelated thrash-death Metal quintet from Tampa FL called The Absence (above, Testament shirt BAM!) and their 2007 record Riders of the Plague on Metal Blade like The Crown oooh spooky. And we're full circle. Happy times people. METAL! 

The Crown Is Back: Dozens Celebrate

Ok holy tits this is awesome. Great leaping shitballs. From Blabbermouth:

Four former members of the now-defunct Swedish death/thrash act The Crown have reunited in a brand new project which is currently working on its debut album. Magnus Olsfelt (bass), Marko Tervonen (guitar), Marcus Sunesson (lead guitar) and Janne Saarenpää (drums) have joined forces with an as-yet-undisclosed singer and are recording a collection of tunes which are being described as "pure death/thrash metal." 

The Crown is back! Mostly! Sure, the absence of singer Johan Lindstrand is conspicuous, even considering the awesomeness of his ball-crushing death-and-roll band One Man Army & The Undead Quartet. One could argue that it's wiser to assume a fresh identity anyway -- that is, with or without Lindstrand -- since The Crown (the name) may sag under the weight of what we in the biz call 'negative value.' Then again, who gives a rat's ass. Just turn my shits up!

The real question is: Is there anything HooM! can't accomplish through the powers of suggestion? Boy, I hope it doesn't rain burritos today.

Keeping Up With The Crown

Though Trollhättan, Sweden's The Crown rendered my life meaningless in 2004 by breaking up, ex-members of the criminally underappreciated death metal quintet didn't remain quiet for long. Figuratively speaking, of course, since no one's paying attention. If four bands form in a desolate forest, where do they plug their shit in?

• Bassist/principal songwriter Magnus Olsfelt's Stolen Policecar recorded their debut album at ex-Crown rhythm guitarist Marko Tervonen's Studio MT for Bulldog Records. Or so they announced back in fuckin January 2007 to the delight of at least two chicks from Japan. The album has yet to surface, but two finished tracks stream here, including "Hard And Confused," a slab of sleaze punk that asks the age-old question: What's a little lipstick on your penis? For fans of Minus and The (International) Noise Conspiracy. Yeah. All two dozen of them.

• Speaking of Tervonen: The Crown's other big songwriter fronts Angel Blake, whose debut album was snore city but fuck it -- so is every album in the HIM heavy rock vein. Also underachieving in this band is ex-Crown mega-drummer/vowel hog Janne Saarenpää, who sat out AB's spring and summer dates supporting their sophomore album, The Descended. To the delight of the same chicks from Japan. 

• Lead guitarist Marcus Sunnesson and his awesome hair joined with former members of Evergrey (ugh) and In Flames (gag) in Engel. Though In Flames frontman Anders Fridén and his awful hair co-produced debut album Absolute Design, my hopes remain high for Engel since Metal Hammer (UK) voted the quintet one of 2006's best unsigned bands and they won a demo contest at Rock Hard (Germany). Wonder what the two Japanese chicks think of the band's fancy outfits. 

• Surprisingly, best representing The Crown camp is former vocalist Johan Lindstrand, AKA the guy who was replaced by the dreaded Tomas Lindberg (At The Gates) for one album. Lindstrand's awesome One Man Army & The Undead Quartet is completing post-production on their third album slated for a late 2008 release; if the pattern holds, Grim Tales will be even awesomer than last year's taut, violent Error In Evolution. Lindstrand and his hyper-prolific band draw the most comparisons to The Crown, mostly because, like The Crown, their records are available for purchase and they play shows in front of living people. Still no sign of the two chicks from Japan. Oh wait here they are.

Buy The Crown CDs here and here or I'll enter your bladder and lay eggs.