METALLICA'S STAGE RAGE

Now look it's obvious that this rumored Big Four tour would be radness but troubling is the fact that Metallica currently performs on a dumbshit stage for assholes. I wouldn't even know that, but shoot me I just wanted to check out our Doc Coyle joining Lamb Of God in Mark Morton's stead on the current leg of the Metallica global cash removal operation. But holy shit in the above footage I could hardly locate the God Forbid shredder on the barren, black hole of a stage. See this diva shit is why Lars can't be in charge of anything, let alone of the Big Forehead tour. Ok from the crowd's point of view the stage reeks cuz to every seat, only one bandmember is really in your view and it's basically awkward as shit. If it spins look out cuz that's why I barfed at Def Leppard in the round; well that and shirtless Phil Collen cough. The monitor situation must be clusterfuckdom too and wow how alien it must be to face opposite directions as your bandmates, like sitting backwards on the train. And while we're on the subject get Testament on the Big Foreskin Tour, or we'll be punished again with grunge. I mean it's your life. I guess some of us just don't want to go through that again.

NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING DIFFICULT

I understand that Slayer guitarist Kerry King feels it's necessary to wrestle attention away from at least two outlandish uber-bimbos (Ulrich, Mustaine) whose antics distract from the band's forthcoming record World Painted Blood, but his claims lately have been alternately hateful and far-fetched. Why just the other day he told somebody at Metal Hammer:

I don't know Lars that well and I haven't heard it from Lars, but apparently he's talking to somebody about maybe us, Metallica, Megadeth, I think he even threw in Anthrax and I said in this day and age, I know we had that time together, but how do you leave out Machine Head? There's better options than Anthrax and that's nothing against Anthrax, but they've just been in pieces for quite some time and that doesn't make as much sense to me.

OK wow Kerry you're kinda all over the place. First, a magical, imaginary tour with Metallica headlining over Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax? Um I guess it's possible, like say if Lars is looking to consolidate his power and exploit the ongoing Thrash Metal renaissance. Could happen. Oh but you'd have to promise Mustaine all sorts of ridiculous shit, like a coffee roaster and strategic No-Lars Zones. Anyway, then you have bewildering praise for Machine Head; that just sounds like four vicodins and a Red Bull talking. OK, he's right about the Nonthrax line-up issues, but Machine Head's best is way more depressing than Anthrax at their very worst. And I've seen both so yeah trust me. And lastly, dude, is Testament a figment of my fucking imagination? I thought we all agree that it should've been the Big Five. Fuck it. Remember that Headbanger's Ball tour with Anthrax, Helloween, and Exodus in like 1989? Well, HooM! could steal that idea for Testament, Cynic, and Municipal Waste and none of you fuckers are invited.

FOLLOW ME OR DIE

A swell of pride filled my breast this morning as HooM!'s followers count has reached a robust 13. Oh baby. That places HooM! in the same popularity bracket as Anthrax ZING! But seriously, that's awesome and you're awesome and I hope you read the awesome Behemoth interview that the cosmos bestowed upon me last week. Know what else is awesome? The awesome Metal awesomes who dude-flirted with me at the supermarket on Saturday. That's what. There was some line chaos in the self-checkout, and when I protested, they bro'd me back to calmness with righteous Metal chatting. I tried to all talk up the Behemoth interview (read it) but suddenly I glanced down and the broccoli and CTC in my basket came into sharp contrast with the glistening 32oz brews in each of their hands, their merry hesher hands. My confidence withered but I'm fairly certain that those chucklehouses can identify a person who's stoned down to their very DNA, and therefore might cut me some slack though that night's grocery list was straight from a chick flick. The real tragedy is that I should've been making fun of one who listed his favorite band as Children of Bodom. He was kidding right?

I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST FOUR THINGS WRONG WITH THIS POSTER

Hey the John Bush-Anthrax one-off gig happened over the weekend. Yawn. Looks like the band is officially begging Bush to return. Big surprise the British press is just slurping it down. It was also reported that Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian wrote after the show that the Knebworth crowd of 40,000 was chanting Bring back Bush and therefore "Nuff said." Prior to the show, Ian to Revolver's sister:

I love working with John, and I know I speak for everyone involved with Anthrax — the band and the fans — when I say that the best thing for us would for this to turn into a long-term relationship. But I don't want to jump the gun. Let's see how things go at Sonisphere, and take it from there.

This whole thing rots; I love 80% of Volume 8 and We've Come For U-Haul has a bunch of what would be career highlight songs for another band. But that shit is just underproduced hard rock; before that was the veiny, macho, flavorless White Noise shit. See the big warning sign was when Hetfield told Ian that he thought of "Only" as "a perfect song." May heaven save us all, I thought. When will Anthrax sound like Anthrax again?

DOES D.R.I. HAVE A PUBLICIST OR NOT

Look man I'm not here to shit on innocent working folks, and the D.R.I. news is certainly bonertastic, put come on, dude! From a press release whose quality causes tears of bitter frustration:

Pioneering hardcore/metal crossover quartet D.R.I. is currently scheduling rehearsals and gearing up to play shows again starting in the fall.

For 27 years, D.R.I. has been the epitome of the aggressive, hardcore-punk thrash sound. Still actively touring and recording, the band's only change is that they're a little older now, but time hasn't gotten the best of Dirty Rotten Imbeciles. They're still thrashing just as hard -- and just as loudly -- as ever, continuing to overload our senses with the sound that is, and will always remain, uniquely D.R.I.

I run a classy column here so I cleaned up the cadence and grammar problems and also cut out a shitload of shit -- including the part about Spike beating cancer YES! -- but believe it this release is shit-all stupid, making no mention of unabashed D.R.I. devotees like Municipal Waste (kinda popular hello) or Dealing With It's recent induction into Decibel's Hall Of Fame (fucking A right). Decibel invites a sample of high-visibility Metal studs to weigh in on Dealing including Dave Lombardo (thinks I'm hilarious), Scott Ian (still waiting on a sorry for Golden G0ds naw just kidding but seriously apologize), Charlie Benante (hire Joey dude cmon); see just cut out the S.O.D. talk and Ian's baffling nonsense and bam work those quotes. Let's sell some tickets here goddamnit? It's D.R.I.

Some call Dealing With It a 'crossover' record; I call it evolution. It's a hardcore classic.

-- Scott "Not" Ian, Anthrax

Listening to Dealing With It today still gives me the same punk rush it did 20+ years ago.

-- Dave "Fuck No" Lombardo, Slayer

Dealing With It was -- and still is -- one of my favorite records. I wanted to be in D.R.I.

-- Charlie Benante, Anthrax

D.R.I. is as important to crossover as Metallica is to thrash. D.R.I. is an incredible, incredible band.

-- Katon W. DePena, Hirax

JOEYTHRAX/BLUE MURDER/THE CROWN WORLD TOUR 2010

My beach therapy is ramping up lately to combat the toll of exhaustion from being a hopeful Metal fan this month. It takes a lot of energy to will into reality certain events and scenarios. First example is the departure from Thin Lizzy of guitarist/thunderpenis John Sykes, who, in accordance with my wishes, will soon embark on a monster Blue Murder reunion tour; and not that non-union Mexican equivalent (Marco Mendoza/Tommy O'Steen) I mean the real shit with farty bassist Tony Franklin and 110-year old drummer Carmine Appice and it would culminate in a 14-night stand at historic L.A. venue Anso's Pants.

So on top of that, I'm half-assedly begging the cosmos to mandate a Joey Belladonna-fronted Anthrax in 2009. The great Thrash bands all are returning to their Thrash line-ups; Thrash is real and Joey is the man for this job. Time is short, Nonthrax. But HooM! priorities are shifting from so very old Blue Murder and lost cause Anthrax to Dobermann, the new band that's the Crown with non-Johan Lindstrom singer Andreas Bergh. Oh wait not anymore. From Blabbermouth:

Dobermann recently parted with Bergh and has already enlisted an as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer and is currently recording a collection of tunes which are being described as pure death/thrash metal.

Ok not to be a stickler but it's impossible to be pure death/thrash metal since the two styles are distinct so combining them results by definition in a mixture. Pure thrash or pure death: sure. Shit that's not important but anyway, if the as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer were Lindstrom, therefore effecting a Crown reunion by proxy, would they refer to him in those terms? But it's possible; after all, this is the first year in a while his band One Man Army & The Band Name Is Too Long didn't do a record (though reportedly an untitled fourth album is slated for 2010 release). I'm exhausted with all this psychic hoping. Since Obama and Faith No More, it seems like anything's possible.

NELSONGATE SCANDAL DIVIDES THRASH METAL PEANUT GALLERY

So Blabbermouth published a statement stating that Don Neville is no longer the fourth singer of Anthrax. And to think just weeks ago, alleged dick-knob Scott Ian employed tons of homoerotic imagery to compare him to history's cluelessest bimbo and Phil Meany McMuscleshorts. Late Tuesday night, Eddie Trunk (above, should re-think the Ann Wilson look) sprang into action with condolences for the band and praise for Drake Nesmith, who so deftly botched the frontman gig after one whole show:

It was pretty clear to me at Rocklahoma that there were some serious chemistry issues off stage with the band and their new singer. I had been hearing and sensing rumblings about this the last few months from various sources. The shame of it is that he was a great singer for the band in the one show I saw, but obviously the band decided it was better to end this now before further conflicts come out.

Um, more like before further turds come out the mouths of Trunk's unbearable co-hosts on That Metal Show. Anyway, as always the HooM! spotlight is cast on the long-suffering Metal community, which has been rent asunder by the Bruce Dickinson-approved Necklebury's abrupt dismissal from Antithrax. Some dudes want Bush back -- they get their wish for two hours at Sonisphere -- and some of us hopelessly plead for Joey B and yes that includes re-recording the vocals for Warship Music.

METALLICA RINGS OUT CATALOGUE FOR CLASSICS TO MANGLE

One glance at the current Metallica setlist shows that even eschewing some well-worn classics , the once-great band can still put together a thrilling night of classics to fucking butcher. Sure, they pad the night with low-impact '90s cheese ("Nothing Else Matters", "Nascar Bumper Song") and deservedly ignored fare ("Holier Than Thou", everything from Death Magnetic), but the LarsCorp machine is thorough and unyielding, drawing deep from the ex-Metal band's catalogue for hidden favorites to awfulize like "Fight Fire With Fire" and "Trapped Under Ice". Well, at least Metallisuk isn't trolling for new songs to profane, like stupid Anthrax Mk IV who last week became the latest contributors of a shitty cover of Refused's "New Noise" (above). It's not a good to have anything in common with dork bands and crackheads.

THAT WOULD BE BONKERZ

Scott Ian owes me an apology for the Revolver awards black carpet snub. Yeah i get it; it had just started raining. But Billy Duffy said hello after we'd retreated to the same restaurant. This week it's not what Ian's not saying, it's the scary shit he is saying. Like oh i dunno implying that new Anthrax sounds like the world's leading laughingstock fronting the band that brought macho to Metal. Ian on new singer Dan Nelson to The Quietus UK:

Dan has an instrument that makes him able to hit all the stuff and yeah he can do it all. I think of him as being like Chris Cornell singing in Pantera.

Great! That's a fucking nightmare! Elsewhere, Ian doles out teacherly praise to guitarist/producer Rob Cappucino, the guy who made 2003's We've Come For You All all grainy and thin. My personal favorite part of the interview is when Ian states that he'd decided on Nelson as new Anthrax singer "from the first second he opened his mouth"; he goes on to describe a similar feeling when hiring Joey Belladonna and his replacement John Bush. Stick with your gut, Scott. It'll never steer you wrong for four albums. 

 

FINALLY

I love the guys at Metal Inquisition and their generous comments on HooM! but I gotta tell ya it's distressing to see MInq join/form the chorus of those bashing of former Anthrax singer Joey Belladonna. That guy was a juggernaut; his style gave Anthrax dimension, flex, and tons of range. Which made it bewildering to hear drummer/Backstreet Boy Charlie Benante later state that Belladonna's replacement John Bush boasted a wider range, and one better-suited to Benante's writing. Retro-translation: Belladonna refused to sing like a macho pseudo-hardcore wallet chain bonehead.

Anyway, Belladonna's no punching bag; he's a singer. They're uh special and when in possession of high-quality pipes, entirely excusable for weird and silly tendencies. This month, I got a text hailing his performance on State Of Euphoria finale uh "Finale" and I fucking agree: The tune itself cooks, it closes a brilliant album, and illustrates how the Bella-Bush change was ultimately a tragic one: This classic and dozens like it could never again be included in Anthrax's live show cuz Bush is not wired for that shit. Let's see if Benante chose Dan Nelson for his ability to do both cuz if not he's a fuckhead. Didn't choose him for his style!

WHO DISHES BEHIND HIS BACK WINS

I bitch about my poorly-timed birth (too late for Van Halen and Hitchcock, too early for space porn) but at least I'm right on the money with The Simpsons and Kobe Bryant. I started watching NBA basketball right as Bryant was coming off a brutal ordeal surrounding charges of sexual assault followed by a couple of hideous post-Shaq seasons. He chilled out after that shit. Hence our love is so pure cuz I missed five years of his being a huge arrogant bastard. 

I find a parallel in my history with Thrash Metal. I came of age just as Thrash was growing beyond the sound of dumb heshers being dumb. Nay, by the time I was old enough to count money Slayer ditched reverb and high screams; the lyrics of Testament no longer detailed scarifying tales of horror, instead opting for the socio-political; mid-era Anthrax could really put a melody together (below); Metallica didn't once mention leather or spikes. Good times. 

I would've suffered a lot less heartache if only I could time my death just as perfectly. Like if I hadn't survived the time I dared Mike to push me in front of a train in 1992. Hey you take six hits of acid and see what sounds like a fun Thursday afternoon idea.  

LAMB OF GODDAMN IT ANYWAY

I'm a connected guy in the music industry, so I knew that if I indiscriminately HJ'ed all of my contacts that eventually somebody would furnish me with an advance of the new Lamb of God record, Wrath. Well, my right hand is leathered and claw-like -- and my lotion budget exploded by 300% -- but it was worth it! Wrath is wrath-ical! Ha holy shit I'm good. 

But I feel like a dickhole cuz the title (and only the title) of Wrath's fifth track "Fake Messiah" totally reminded me of "Fake Healer" (above), the thunderous opening track on Metal Church's boffo Blessing In Disguise record (Terry Date y'all). Which got me pondering Golden Age Thrash Metal bands' love of semi-informed socio-political commentary, a topic best covered by the Metal Inquisition guys. Suffice it to say EVERY Thrash band had a song about fraudulent religious figures (Ozzy/"Miracle Man"; Anthrax/"Make Me Laugh"; Suicidal Tendencies/"Send Me Your Money"; ad infinitum). 

But anyway, I didn't pay attention to the entire second half of Wrath as I tearfully followed the unfortunate arc of Metal Church's non-career on All Music Guide and recalled my years as an impressionable youth who considered a community of pimply heshers the authority on social responsibility. Way to depress the shit outta me, Lamb of God. 

CLASH OF THE TITANS II

It's a slow news day so I, too, took most of the afternoon to free-associate the identity of the unannounced co-headliners of the upcoming Slayer tour. Oh yeah let's get this out of the way:

According to the Artisan News Service, veteran Los Angeles thrashers Slayer will announce a new co-headlining tour on Monday.

Typically Slayer teams with some admirable but crummy non-Metal band like Marilyn Manson or whatever and that kinda makes sense cuz real Metal people have all seen Slayer like 400 times. I can't remember when I haven't seen Slayer. I also can't recall what I had for breakfast today but anyway now that Metal is again pretty serious profit-wise, they should go with a real heavy-hitter. Most are already spoken for with killer tours of their own, except Mastodon and jeez they just got off tour with Slayer. And Mastodon will do their own tour, right? Please?

What about Testament, who promised me January tour dates back in August (best show ever) but have been quiet since? Those cats got juice lately. In fact, why not just grab fellow Clash Of The Titans (best tour ever) alum Anthrax for a delightful Clash of the Titans II tour? Megadeth isn't invited due to extreme suckage plus Dave's got his wack Gigantour brand anyway. Slayer, Testament, Anthrax ... Yummy. Now hmm a promising, not-thrash, kinda fruity band to open ... Protest The Hero? BAM! I'm going on break.

I HEART DAN LILKER

If cuddly bassist Dan Lilker has done anything wrong, I sure as shit haven't heard about it. I think that cat is just tops, a true Metal lifer. Most headbangers heard of Lilker as a member of the fledgling Anthrax (nice start); then there was the lame but forgivable S.O.D. and Nuclear Assault, the latter authors of at least one stupidly awesome speed/thrash record (Handle With Care). When N'Assault went all limp with that ear-raping cover of dumbest song ever "Ballroom Blitz" (pre-Wayne's World thank god), Lilker jumped into grind with Brutal Truth. I'm not his fucking biographer or anything, but you can see how all this Metal experience may amount to some pretty wild anecdotes. We've gotten bits of Lilker wisdom over the years, like in last year's bonerific doc Get Thrashed (above), but there are more to come. From a press release via Blabbermouth:

It's now been a quarter-century that I have played music that in the 'professional' arena. Over that period, I've experienced a lot in several different bands, and there's been many a time when I was hanging out either backstage somewhere, at a bar, or at a party, when I entertained those assembled with an interesting story from my experiences. More often than not, someone would say, 'You should write a book man, you've seen it all!' To which I'd reply, 'It would take forever to organize something like that!'

But back in February '07, when Brutal Truth did a tour of the U.K., our vocalist Kevin Sharp suggested bringing along his friend Dave Hofer, a journalist from Chicago. Dave wanted to keep a daily journal throughout the tour, which was published later in Metal Maniacs. So the next time he came on tour with us, he said, 'You should write a book, and I'll help you!'

Judging from the amount of line editing I did to make Lilker's comments readable, it's a good thing that a journalist is taking care of the composition duties on the tome, tentatively titled The Story Of My Widdle Teeth by Dan Lilker. OK I made that up but yeah somebody publish this bitch!

OH MY GOD

While watching the first installment of VH1's 100 Greatest Hard Rock Songs, I was struck by how many bands lost members to Christian rock. For all I care, you can worship that pork chop shaped like Dio I got at Outback two summers ago but that doesn't mean anyone wants to hear an album's worth of songs about it. Elsewhere, I dig the humility of hunky Autograph frontman Steve Plunkett, who acknowledged his one-hit wonder status honestly and tacked on some gratitude to boot. That fucker and his unsigned band opened for Van Halen on their 1984 tour so yeah I'd be thankful for that instant pile of money too.

But while it's only giggle-worthy when guys from Grand Funk or Kansas go all god crazy, it hits a little closer to home when, say, members of the biggest, evilest, free-thinkingest Metal bands of our generation derail into bible rocking. Like, as Metal Inquisition points out, parking attendant assailant Nicko McBrain (Iron Maiden) and diminutive watchmaker Dan Spitz (Anthrax):

Spitz now owns his own repair shop in Boca Raton, FL, where he reconnected with Nicko McBrain from Iron Maiden. Aside for their shared love of music, watches, and living in Florida (who knew Boca Raton was the preferred retirement spot for aging rockers?), they are both really into Jesus. Big time.

You see, Danny was born Jewish, but converted to Messianic Judaism, which really has nothing to do with Judaism. They believe in good ol' JC, and are similar to Jews For Jesus. As a matter of fact, once you convert to Messianic Judaism, Israel will refuse to give you citizenship. But enough about that. Turns out, Nicko is also way into the Lord. He converted upon setting foot inside Spanish River Church, a Boca Raton mega-church, after his wife begged him to go. Once inside the church, he began to cry uncontrollably, according to him.

Though there is no word from Anthrax about Danny's possible attempts to convert them, Nicko says the following about Iron Maiden:

"I can't say to you that I'm trying to convert all these guys in my band to be Christians. I'm leading them on my route, and if they choose to follow what God's plan is in the Bible, that's up to them. I say to them all, you know, look, in my belief, at the moment, if you turn to your saviour Jesus Christ, I'll have eternal life in Heaven with you!"

How original, Nickers. Your wife begged you to go, you had a spiritual epiphany, and now you're privy to ahem God's plan and eternal life in Heaven. Makes a lot of sense for the guy who played on "Moonchild" and "Only The Good Die Young." Dork.

ANTHRAXIS OF EVIL

After bitching aimlessly non-stop for weeks now, I'm shutting up because the world is neat sometimes. Example: Vince over at MetalSucks wonders about the status of Anthrax, and the same day, 'Thrax drummer Charlie Benante checks in with the following update: 

We have 13 brand new Anthrax songs, we have four (maybe five) b-sides. The b-sides will be 'Brain Of J' (Pearl Jam), 'Big Eyes' (Cheap Trick), 'New Noise' (The Refused [sic]), 'Running Down A Dream' (Tom Petty) and maybe an Anvil cover — 'Jackhammer'?? Or maybe an Alice Cooper cover — 'We Die Young'?

The new tunes are very strong. We have some old school thrash and some stuff that is like We've Come For You All meets The Sound Of White Noise. This record is not forced — it is a very organic and honest representation of where we are as a band and as writers. There is a six-minute tune called 'Down Goes The Sun', I believe it is one of my favorite songs. The music itself is epic, it sends chills up my spine. 'Face with No Name', 'The Devil You Know', 'Earth On Hell' — all killer. Worship Music should be out in May.

The world would be even neater if Charlie's words weren't so tellingly unimpressive. The first topic of discussion is the killer cover songs slated for b-sides. Who cares? Sure, I've been proud of Anthrax for exercising great taste in cover material -- and not-so-thrilled with their icky practice of releasing said covers as singles. Next, Charlie talks about the not-forced, honest, and organic songs that make up Worship Music. Anthrax has pulled through sketchy times and come out with unadventurous but sturdy heavy rock records, but this new singer? Ugh. You can tell Scott and Charlie were looking at Stone Sour's success, saying "Safe Home" would've charted that high if they'd had the 'right singer.' Less encouraging still is the emphasis on honesty and organic uh organicity -- code words for 'undercooked' 'uninspired,' and 'not good.' 

ZIP IT TESTAMENT, STONE SOUR YOU TOO

Ugh this is tiresome but Testament is the latest Thrash band to irritate their fans (me) by slamming one of their own records. Singer Chuck Billy tells Terrorizer:

[1992's The Ritual] was actually written a lot heavier and thrashier, and at that time, Alex [Skolnick, guitar] was on tour with [goofy bassist] Stu Hamm doing some other gigs and coming back to listen to the songs we wrote. He was like, 'I'm not playing over the thrash parts! We need to slow it down and get some straight-ahead beats.' And when it did that, vocally, for me, it made it kind of boring because it's just one straight path, and it really slowed everything down and broke up the dynamics we created originally.

OK, I get it; you guys are humiliated about relinquishing creative control to Atlantic Records and your snooty lead guitarist. But every motherfucking song on The Ritual rips, propelling the unadventurous album atop the teeny pile of brilliant melodic hard rock records. These albums are elusive and originate from dubious sources: Take Lacuna Coil's Karmacode, a frustratingly riffless Korncore record with every snappy melodic (and harmonic) twist and turn in the book. And even though it's marred by dated, bubbly production, Karmacode slays, bront to fack. And of course the little-loved yet dud-free Skunkworks album (Iron Maiden singer Bruce Dickinson's foray into hooky rock). Monster finale on that bitch.

The HooM! search for more classics like these was rekindled thanks to last week's discussion on MetalSucks about Stone Sour and Shinedown. Loudly endorsed by MS commenters and Anthrax's Scott Ian, Stone Sour's Come What(ever) May found its way into my stereo but It only took three songs for my hopes to be dashed: CW(e)M starts strong with sing-along hard rock but sags under the foul mainstream production and too fucking much Corey Taylor dumbness. Shut up, sir. It's reminiscent of my first experience with 'La Vida Loca': dancing around with my toothbrush at first chorus, then fucking sick of it by fade out. Keep your eyes peeled in 2021 for Taylor and crew's apology. 

Shinedown, you're up. Don't disappoint me. 

NO SURVIVORS!

As an infantile, legend-in-my-own-mind type, I'm prone to bouts of venomous muttering and holy shit, a co-worker totally busted me in the middle of a full-tilt soliloquy today. I hurriedly explained that the bimbonic Dave Mustaine was pissing me off 'with all these goddamn best-of releases.' Still smirking, the knocking-deficient co-worker stated that as it were he himself was a Megadeth fan, specifically of their 'awesome Countdown To Extinction album.' I only stabbed him once with my letter opener 'cause he's a few years younger and it's understandable that he was late to the party.

 

We then huddled over the non-sensical tracklisting for Mustaint's latest pointless compilation and recoiled in unison at its awfulness. Positively strip-mining for something positive, I tonelessly expressed that at least the anthology takes its title from one of Metal's best achievements, "Set The World Afire." I was immediately embarrassed upon the realization that Megadeth has hardly 'set the world afire' (despite some pretty major hits) and that the title is egomaniacal and worse,  inaccurate. On top of that, Mustaine is currently a coffee-swilling Republican pussy who wouldn't even enjoy civilization's blinding immolation. Shit. 

Anyway, there are few songs more Metal than "Set The World Afire." It's got all the requisite parts of a classic of the genre: 

• no fewer than three incredible riffs
  
• themes of destruction, fatalism, mistrust of authority
  
• anti-social attitudes expressed by a self-perceived outcast
  
• mocking, sneering, sarcastic tone
• multiple guitar solos 
  
• general awesomeness throughout
  
• tempo change, preferably double time (optional)
• no proto-hardcoreisms (i.e. mentions of strength, pride, power, hurt feelings, tears, etc.)
• unsuitable for radio play, mass consumption; offensive
  

"Set The World Afire" has relatives, other classics so Metal that if Earth's pot supply was being held hostage in the jungle by Metal-starved Colombian terrorists, I'd confidently stride into their huts with a Maxell tape held at arm's length and walk out with two Louisville Slugger-sized doobers. Note: These aren't my favorite metal songs*, and in some cases, not even said band's best. Plus, I've undoubtedly overlooked a few, so chip in. Your pot may depend on it.

******HooM! Metallest Songs Ever******

Presented by Hipsters Out Of Metal!

(alphabetical by artist)

Anthrax "Finale" (listen)

Cyclone Temple "March For Me Die For Me" (listen)

Flotsam And Jetsam "No Place For Disgrace" (listen)

Megadeth "Set The World Afire" (listen)

Metallica "Ride The Lightning" (listen)

Metallica "Disposable Heroes" (listen)

Overkill "Elimination" (listen)

Overkill "I Hate" (listen)

Slayer "War Ensemble" (listen)

Suicidal Tendencies "Waking The Dead" (listen)

Testament "Seven Days of May" (listen)

*Well, they are. 'Cause I'm so Metal. But that's not the point.

What Doesn't Die: Anthrax III's Live Debut

Anthrax crapped on their own credibility when they scrapped metal for a simpler, blander heavy rock sound. It didn't seem incongruous at the time, since they'd just added a new singer, but by 2003's We've Come For You All, 'metal' suddenly wasn't a dirty word anymore, and Anthrax got all pentagram-y and semi-sincerely pledged their souls anew to metal. We called bullshit. 

Granted, WC4UA is one of Anthrax's two post-Joey Belladonna albums with more good songs than bad, but the same can be said for the first two Van Hagar outings: good stuff if you're into lame, watered-down pop rock. Which you are. We are, too.

And now we cross into pure desperation: It was gross enough when the classic Anthrax line-up reunited for a big cash grab tour. (Not gross enough to keep the HooM team from the Chicago gig, which ruled, despite the stench of superficiality and intra-band dislike. Fuck that, "Caught In A Mosh" killed!) 

Yuckier still: Last night, Anthrax debuted in Chicago its latest, grossest line-up featuring that off-brand producer they've been using lately on guitars (good hair! nobody misses the mohawk!) and some guy from Shinedown on vocals. Or, at least, some guy from a Shinedown concert. Plus Meatloaf's untalented daughter's husband, the greasy pudge from *NSync, and the guy who was in Helmet for two hours. 

Image by Chad Lee