FEAR FACTORY: TESTING YOUR PATIENCE SINCE 2001

HooM!'s readership consists exclusively of awesomely Metal metalists, and the evidence is that here into week two of the Funeral Song poll (over there), there still stands a symbolic boycott of Fuck Fucktory, whose "Resurrection" has gotten zilch by way of votes. Ok fine nobody reads this shit cough but anyway those FF guys are being jackassy and therefore I commend us for expressing our over it-ness. Oh shit Monster Magnet's "Orb etc." is dangling as well but I don't disagree. That band is more like birth music and I imagine my hypothetical children will emerge from the womb singing Magnet's "All Friends And Kingdom Come" (above). Just its head protruded and rotating ominously for that drumless intro verse. And when the band kicks in, the already Testament shirt-clad baby rockets out, swinging on the umbilical around and up to slap the vagina shut. And acid-freakout lighting. That's what newborn Prince did no bullshit.

SPEAR IS THE 'HIND DRILLER

Like eight awesome records are streaming on shitty, crash-causing MySpace sites and though I got a good look at The Mars Volta's new record at work, I don't really devote valuable office listening hours to anything heavier. To squares, even Voivod sounds like the beating of a baby with a cat. I talk the talk, so my co-workers are exceptionally knowledgeable about The Crown and Testament.

What I'm getting at is I want to crank the new Suffocation, Voivod, and Darkest Hour, and yes even those fruitcakes in Killswish Engayge get their day in court. But I don't cuz sheesh for some people it's hard to work with some guy(s) grunting. Though not rocking out, at least I can get some laughs reading Dino Cazares howlers. It's so disingenuous that he's suddenly all about Fear Factory. And I'd really like to enjoy a metal band with the shapely ass of Strapping Young Lad and the fat boobs of old Fear Factory, now known as Fuck Fucktory. But that's ruined by this sub-moronic public mudslinging.

Look, I get it; with Stroud and Hoglan, FF is supercharged. But this isn't the way to do it. In fact, why not just do FF with Wolbers/Hererra and simultaneously do the all-fatass Stround/Hoglan project, The Stubbly Doublechins. That way we all win and Burton Bell will never again need to bullshit us. And holy shit am I reading this right? did Cazares actually say I could sue [Wolbers] for stealing my riffs? That is fucking baby talk.

OUT OF PATIENCE FOR FEAR FACTORY

I might sound hysterical here but that's impossible given my pill intake, so here goes: I cannot fathom how Fear Factory made a classic album cuz they are mega-dumbshits. They were a perfectly good band before shit went all retarded: First, that one record tanks, the big guy leaves, bitterness ensues. Then the bassist is the guitarist, Strapping Young Lad has to book tours carefully, a silly record deal and thoughtless records ensue. Then, the singer takes loud credit for the mixing of clean and growly singing, shut the fuck up ensues. Now the singer reconciles with the big guy, they start a new band, it shares a name with their former band, the two other guys are like what?, legal action ensues. Has the earth folded onto itself? This is like watching people from North Dakota fight over meth. Or like when Scratchy is eating a piece of his own stomach. Or maybe two mirrors exchanging insults. Plus, it adds an extra dimension of lunacy that the sanest one is the drummer, whose comments to Speed Freaks were edited for simplicity:

The bass player and I are actually still in Fear Factory. There's a big legal battle going on right now. Essentially, what's happened is the big guy and the singer have become friends again and they decided to start a new band, and decided to call it Fear Factory. They never communicated with us about it and act like there was never any contract. So it's almost like them two against us two; it's kind of a stalemate. I don't know what's gonna happen with the trademark, so to speak. It's a weird situation.

Hey I can play that way too, fuckfaces. As of now, I'm arbitrarily and without authority renaming the band who recorded 1999's Obsolete, cuz the band itself can't be trusted near something so important and awesome. And now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna crank some Fuck Fucktory.