GIMP MY RIDE

I always admired that show Pimp My Ride, but as a fucking asshole, I am offended by its fake-ass Robin Hood shit where Xzibit shows up at a sunny $700K bungalow in North Hollywood where some pimply college kid has parked his 1986 AMC Eagle. 22 minutes later, it's a goddamn hydro lab UFO with 26 DVD players, licorice seatbelts, and a stick shift that telescopes to a 32" bong. For the same reason, I detest the methhead carpenter with the sob story/renovation show on Sundays. Those jerks should like build some mental health facilities for the raving homeless who spend blazing L.A. afternoons berating the storefronts on Pico.

Regardless, PMR is cool anyway and Xzibit is awesome but if MTV Productions wants to do some actual good, why not retool the show to have X surprise a fucking car-less loser at their regular bus stop of misery under the angry, punishing sun and just take them to work once. It'd be titled Give Me A Goddamn Ride and I would star in the pilot, in which X and I would stop off for fish tacos, rollerskate around Venice, and get ice cream cones before I roll out of his car onto the sidewalk in front of my work.

Like the actual Pimp My Ride, the heart of the GMAGR is alleviating deep suffering and shame. That's righteous. Likewise, Decibel found a dude who applied this principle to nerds who love Nuclear Assault: by adding funky, honky-enervating rappers to the equation (above). NAssault is the shameful, boner-blocking '76 Ford Grenada (white brougham) but Dre and Snoop are the regulation-sized ping pong table and Marshall stack that unfold from it.

I HEART DAN LILKER

If cuddly bassist Dan Lilker has done anything wrong, I sure as shit haven't heard about it. I think that cat is just tops, a true Metal lifer. Most headbangers heard of Lilker as a member of the fledgling Anthrax (nice start); then there was the lame but forgivable S.O.D. and Nuclear Assault, the latter authors of at least one stupidly awesome speed/thrash record (Handle With Care). When N'Assault went all limp with that ear-raping cover of dumbest song ever "Ballroom Blitz" (pre-Wayne's World thank god), Lilker jumped into grind with Brutal Truth. I'm not his fucking biographer or anything, but you can see how all this Metal experience may amount to some pretty wild anecdotes. We've gotten bits of Lilker wisdom over the years, like in last year's bonerific doc Get Thrashed (above), but there are more to come. From a press release via Blabbermouth:

It's now been a quarter-century that I have played music that in the 'professional' arena. Over that period, I've experienced a lot in several different bands, and there's been many a time when I was hanging out either backstage somewhere, at a bar, or at a party, when I entertained those assembled with an interesting story from my experiences. More often than not, someone would say, 'You should write a book man, you've seen it all!' To which I'd reply, 'It would take forever to organize something like that!'

But back in February '07, when Brutal Truth did a tour of the U.K., our vocalist Kevin Sharp suggested bringing along his friend Dave Hofer, a journalist from Chicago. Dave wanted to keep a daily journal throughout the tour, which was published later in Metal Maniacs. So the next time he came on tour with us, he said, 'You should write a book, and I'll help you!'

Judging from the amount of line editing I did to make Lilker's comments readable, it's a good thing that a journalist is taking care of the composition duties on the tome, tentatively titled The Story Of My Widdle Teeth by Dan Lilker. OK I made that up but yeah somebody publish this bitch!

AURORA PERIALAS

I accuse myself of sporting a boner for producers and if that be true, then Metal Inquisition is the opposite. So MI has a vagina for producers. Huh that doesn't sound right. Moving right along MI took time out this week to make a load fun of Alex Perialas, metal producer with unforgivable taste in eyewear. 

You see, long before Scott Burns was making dozens of dollars producing albums for the likes of Obituary, Sepultura and Hellwitch at Morrisound Studios, Alex Perialas was toiling away behind the knobs for such legendary, life-changing recordings as U.S.A. for M.O.D. With all this in mind, how could we not use our investigative powers to give our readers more information about the kind of life and fortune that producing Overkill's landmark recording Fuck You can grant a man?

Har I love a buncha Perialas-produced albums, namely Overkill/Under The Influence, Nuclear Assault/Game Over, Bad Religion/No Substance, Vio-lence/Oppressing The Masses. With the exception of the first four Testament records, no Perialas production could exactly be called 'revered' or even 'successful.' (Not to mention the disgrace of Pro-Pain and M/S.O.D.) Held in marked contempt is When The Storm Comes Down by Flotsam & Jetsam, which is INSANITY. But hey that's what you pay me for so blam (above, bad cover art).