WARREL, TAYLOR DANE

Equal in my book to the great insulters of this world (see yesterday's blue ribbon rank-out here) are the ruiners. The out-of-line. Like Jarvis Cocker when he waggled his fanny at Michael Jackson's audience. The incident with Sebastian Bach's abominable t-shirt. Or even ignorant-ass Daz Dillinger instructing an awards show crowd to 'sincerely from the bottom of [his] heart ... eat this dick.' So naturally I'm a superfan of Kanye West's bad behavior, which first caught my eye post-Katrina with that anti-Bush outburst that turned Mike Myers gay. Since then, West has generously donated to the world delightful bratery and whitey-angering loudmouthery, but none as empowering to the square community as Sunday night's drunken hijacking of a defenseless Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the VMAs. Taylor Swift? Sound more like VM-Gayz. And newsflash, Beyonce sucks ass so I guess we're going to agree to disagree here. At any rate, my vote for best female video this and every year since 1990 is Sanctuary and their hot-ass singer, named Wendy or Carol or something. I heard Mustaine banged her.

SO UH WHO GETS MJ'S PHARMACOPIA?

This week What Would Tyler Durden Do? ran a tabloid headline claiming that in the six months leading up to his death, Michael Jackson consumed a whopping 10,000 multicolored uppers, downers, screamers, and/or laughers. So basically he took down an ocean of pills -- the anti-depressants alone are a Lake Erie -- on top of Demerol blasts into the spine and all the other weird shit inflicted on that cursed post-human. Whoa. Damn no wonder there's so much blubbering about this; Pfizer's bonuses just went right in the shitter. Well rest easy folks cuz I'm rolling up my sleeves here. It won't be easy to pick up MJ's slack, but goddamn it someone's got to try haven't they? Those drugs musn't fall into the hands of actual sick people.