IXNAY ON THE LASSJAW GAY

Despite strict HooM! regulations regarding whiny, tantrum-throwing screamo types, we can cover Glassjaw. It was annoying when press slurped up their PR, and regurgitated that the Long Island band consisted of NY hardcore scene vets; whatever. Their first record, 2000's Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence was underproduced by Ross Robinson, and had all the bawling and bad girlfriend histrionics of um a record produced by Ross Robinson in 2000. But 2002's Worship and Tribute marked a huge improvement of the band's great-to-groan ratio. Oh and hey did everybody already know that Shannon Larkin (Wrathchild America, Godsmack) played drums on W&T? What the nuts? Where was my man Larry Gorman, formerly of Orange 9mm (above, awesome band that lead me to psychotic Deftones fandom and got me punched in the face)?

Anyway, since then Palumbo has been a busy NY hipster between his preening Head Automatica project and House Of Blow (too easy to make fun of, esp coming from straight edge types), when not repping the Shia LeBeouf-affiliated Cardboard City. GJaw leader Justin Beck, meanwhile, has played an Axl Rose/Dave Mustaine role, alternately inciting and resenting fan attention and impatience with vague and ill-kept promises for the first new music since 2002. Forrrrrrr example, Palumbo throws bothersome fans a bone to Metal Hammer last week (hint: it's an EP siiiigh):

It’s a five or six song EP. And it will be slightly different from the full-length. The new Glassjaw stuff is far more aggressive than it was previously. This is stuff that Beck and I have been working on for a long time. It’s far more aggressive than I ever thought it would be.

BUY IT LOAD IT SHOOT IT

This girl I know isn't hot but we're buds cuz, first, we share a mutual appreciation of her jugs, which lo those many months peeked enthusiastically out of various tops. My greasy charm doesn't really come through in print, but if this were a party I'd find an inoffensive way to express my respect for owners of generously displayed knockers, espesh when they distract from misaligned facial features or an unflattering haircut. That's just smart business.

But that's not basis enough for a friendship, so it's lucky that Glassjaw paved the way to post-hooters friendship as our shared embarrassment band. Seriously, one day I perched on her desk as she showed me her favorite songs from emo freakout debut Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Silence, and I kept saying "God he really loses his shit in this song" and "It's just a chick, dude. Why don't you fucking cry about it" and "This drunken whore he describes sounds positively fetching" -- and that was the songs I love, not the really ridiculously whiny bitchery. Just goes to show you, a lyricist is allowed a lotta leeway if the band has the ability to staple a decent melody to muscular, smart drums and just occasionally pull out a great riff. By Glassjaw's masterful sophomore album Worship And Tribute, it was a lot more than occasionally. BTW I couldn't find a Glassjaw live clip or video or even photo that didn't annoy the shit out of me. Plus Ben Weinman's ass is already reeking up the place so hey that Zhang Ziyi is sure comely.