NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING DIFFICULT

I understand that Slayer guitarist Kerry King feels it's necessary to wrestle attention away from at least two outlandish uber-bimbos (Ulrich, Mustaine) whose antics distract from the band's forthcoming record World Painted Blood, but his claims lately have been alternately hateful and far-fetched. Why just the other day he told somebody at Metal Hammer:

I don't know Lars that well and I haven't heard it from Lars, but apparently he's talking to somebody about maybe us, Metallica, Megadeth, I think he even threw in Anthrax and I said in this day and age, I know we had that time together, but how do you leave out Machine Head? There's better options than Anthrax and that's nothing against Anthrax, but they've just been in pieces for quite some time and that doesn't make as much sense to me.

OK wow Kerry you're kinda all over the place. First, a magical, imaginary tour with Metallica headlining over Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax? Um I guess it's possible, like say if Lars is looking to consolidate his power and exploit the ongoing Thrash Metal renaissance. Could happen. Oh but you'd have to promise Mustaine all sorts of ridiculous shit, like a coffee roaster and strategic No-Lars Zones. Anyway, then you have bewildering praise for Machine Head; that just sounds like four vicodins and a Red Bull talking. OK, he's right about the Nonthrax line-up issues, but Machine Head's best is way more depressing than Anthrax at their very worst. And I've seen both so yeah trust me. And lastly, dude, is Testament a figment of my fucking imagination? I thought we all agree that it should've been the Big Five. Fuck it. Remember that Headbanger's Ball tour with Anthrax, Helloween, and Exodus in like 1989? Well, HooM! could steal that idea for Testament, Cynic, and Municipal Waste and none of you fuckers are invited.

I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST FOUR THINGS WRONG WITH THIS POSTER

Hey the John Bush-Anthrax one-off gig happened over the weekend. Yawn. Looks like the band is officially begging Bush to return. Big surprise the British press is just slurping it down. It was also reported that Anthrax guitarist Scott Ian wrote after the show that the Knebworth crowd of 40,000 was chanting Bring back Bush and therefore "Nuff said." Prior to the show, Ian to Revolver's sister:

I love working with John, and I know I speak for everyone involved with Anthrax — the band and the fans — when I say that the best thing for us would for this to turn into a long-term relationship. But I don't want to jump the gun. Let's see how things go at Sonisphere, and take it from there.

This whole thing rots; I love 80% of Volume 8 and We've Come For U-Haul has a bunch of what would be career highlight songs for another band. But that shit is just underproduced hard rock; before that was the veiny, macho, flavorless White Noise shit. See the big warning sign was when Hetfield told Ian that he thought of "Only" as "a perfect song." May heaven save us all, I thought. When will Anthrax sound like Anthrax again?

JOEYTHRAX/BLUE MURDER/THE CROWN WORLD TOUR 2010

My beach therapy is ramping up lately to combat the toll of exhaustion from being a hopeful Metal fan this month. It takes a lot of energy to will into reality certain events and scenarios. First example is the departure from Thin Lizzy of guitarist/thunderpenis John Sykes, who, in accordance with my wishes, will soon embark on a monster Blue Murder reunion tour; and not that non-union Mexican equivalent (Marco Mendoza/Tommy O'Steen) I mean the real shit with farty bassist Tony Franklin and 110-year old drummer Carmine Appice and it would culminate in a 14-night stand at historic L.A. venue Anso's Pants.

So on top of that, I'm half-assedly begging the cosmos to mandate a Joey Belladonna-fronted Anthrax in 2009. The great Thrash bands all are returning to their Thrash line-ups; Thrash is real and Joey is the man for this job. Time is short, Nonthrax. But HooM! priorities are shifting from so very old Blue Murder and lost cause Anthrax to Dobermann, the new band that's the Crown with non-Johan Lindstrom singer Andreas Bergh. Oh wait not anymore. From Blabbermouth:

Dobermann recently parted with Bergh and has already enlisted an as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer and is currently recording a collection of tunes which are being described as pure death/thrash metal.

Ok not to be a stickler but it's impossible to be pure death/thrash metal since the two styles are distinct so combining them results by definition in a mixture. Pure thrash or pure death: sure. Shit that's not important but anyway, if the as-yet-undisclosed replacement singer were Lindstrom, therefore effecting a Crown reunion by proxy, would they refer to him in those terms? But it's possible; after all, this is the first year in a while his band One Man Army & The Band Name Is Too Long didn't do a record (though reportedly an untitled fourth album is slated for 2010 release). I'm exhausted with all this psychic hoping. Since Obama and Faith No More, it seems like anything's possible.

WACK IS FOR ANTHRAX

Speculation is rampant that all is not well in the Nonthrax camp, thanks to a series of cryptic messages posted by still-wet singer Dan Nelson and a trio of concert cancellations. That last sentence was my audition for CNN's Metal desk. No but seriously, at this stage, how far are we from Fuck Anthrax status? And what is the evidence that Scott Ian is an asshole, as is asserted all over the interslice. The shows were reportedly cancelled due to Nelson's illness (not to be confused with Nelson Disease), but Blabbermouth unearths some um sentence fragments the early morning before their Europe tour was set to open:

July 16, 3:47 am: Funny, I don't feel so lucky...Wonder what everyone is talking about??"

July 16, 4:28 am: "is done."

July 17, 7:54 pm: "loves his family and friends more than ANYTHING."

Usually in this space, HooM! has some outlandish deductions and name-calling but I'm pretending they broke up after Persistence of Time and, let's face facts, this cupcake is not going eat itself. I knew you'd understand.