SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT ENCORE

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks. Except you cuz you're a pussy. Or you already know Testament is the second best Metal band of all times. Or you're a gay-mo-fag-xual. One of those.

Each day this month, your gay-ass hasn't joined HooM! as we died, went to Testament heaven, and took a monster dump on your mom's chest. It's the last song this time for real; an involuntary cry is muted too late by your balled fist; and now you've got somebody's crinkly hairs in your mouth; your retching is cosmetically similar to extreme death metal enthusiasm but then Testament slams your ear-boner in a door with the conclusive, brutally unheralded closer to an underloved album whatawoild:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT ENCORE

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. This near to the end, every song comes into sharp focus despite the fatigue of yknow standing up for 90 minutes; you begin to search for deeper significance in the final songs; what is Testament's view of the state of humanity, what are their parting words to us, are they of hope, despair, deliverance?

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT ENCORE

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. Here we are, encore time and I don't mind orking like a seal for more live Testament; the stage is black but here returns drummer Paul Bostaph who sure is a wee widdle fella but he's 5'3" of explosion on the song whose playback intro is percolating now, a thunderously grave and gasp poignant classic which proves we were fools to tolerate post-Justice Metallica and their ilk:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. The worst moment of any show is announcement that 'this is our last song'; sure there's the encore but the stench of inevitable parting with Testament hangs heavy in the air; well that and pot smoke, sweat fog, and the electricity of an instant-classic solo by then 18-year old Alex Skonick, who Mustaine actually considers himself superior to pfft please:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. It's getting kinda late and you picture your bong laying seductively across your cuddly bed; from somewhere you detect the scent of those chicken pita thingys at the Greek place; time for a loud one with killer intro/outro and absurd solo:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. Hey there's the guy who shared a stifled giggle with you at the guy barfing and crying in the next stall; you immediately regret high-fiving a guy who you are certain was just in a disgusting toilet swamp only surpassed in disgustingness by the rancid Eagles Club no-smile zone, no-doors no dignity "bathrooms"; you'd go on ranking live venue shitters (#1 all time is Astro Hall) but then lookout:

METALLICA'S STAGE RAGE

Now look it's obvious that this rumored Big Four tour would be radness but troubling is the fact that Metallica currently performs on a dumbshit stage for assholes. I wouldn't even know that, but shoot me I just wanted to check out our Doc Coyle joining Lamb Of God in Mark Morton's stead on the current leg of the Metallica global cash removal operation. But holy shit in the above footage I could hardly locate the God Forbid shredder on the barren, black hole of a stage. See this diva shit is why Lars can't be in charge of anything, let alone of the Big Forehead tour. Ok from the crowd's point of view the stage reeks cuz to every seat, only one bandmember is really in your view and it's basically awkward as shit. If it spins look out cuz that's why I barfed at Def Leppard in the round; well that and shirtless Phil Collen cough. The monitor situation must be clusterfuckdom too and wow how alien it must be to face opposite directions as your bandmates, like sitting backwards on the train. And while we're on the subject get Testament on the Big Foreskin Tour, or we'll be punished again with grunge. I mean it's your life. I guess some of us just don't want to go through that again.

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. The bathroom turned out to be a bad idea as your shoes fill with warm toilet water; it's an even worse idea now that you've spotted a small pile of cocaine, abandoned on the counter; with a tilt of your head, you contemplate it briefly but are distracted by a suspiciously long silence between songs and suddenly there are acoustic guitars on stage which means yay:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. It's really time to make a move toward the toilet or trough or whatever so bring on the drum solo; Greg Christian suddenly looks really baked and smily; this next song reminds you of the night that Indian guy from your dorm got kicked off Testament's bus:

GUITARISTS SAVE THE DAY AGAIN

Darkest Hour is kinda breaking my heart, because, like Dillinger Escape Plan and Caliban, they blew my world apart one night in concert then have failed repeatedly to deliver a great album. Dillinger is frustrating as hell in their inability to write more than two types of song (Bad Religion syndrome), but Darkest Hour is a close second, somehow eluding awesomeness despite counting among their ranks a Crown superfan and one of two murderous lead guitarists. It reminds me of my uncle groaning through a Sunday listening of Souls of Black, dismissively stating that no amount of superb guitarwork can salvage shitty lyrics and go-nowhere songs. I agreed curtly, but thought We haven't even gotten to "Absence of Light" yet, fucker.

As guitar playing gets awesomer and albums sound more rushed and formulaic, this idea is growing less true. Just ask the guitarists of Black Dahlia Murder, Shadows Fall, and Megadeth who've elevated respectively great, tiresome, and outright fraudulent Metal records with awesome fretfucking. Mustaine fired the drummer's damn brother to hire guitarist Chris Broderick, and the big asshole must be thrilled to get a Friedman-level player at less than the Pitrelli price.

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. Probability-wise, how is it that every errant foot finds your chin; the dudes in front of you sympathize and pass you the charity nub of their joint; it must've been angel dust cuz it takes you the first 28 bars of "The Legacy" to discern what key its in, which makes sense once you realize that actually they're playing "The New Order":

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. Hey great, drunk ass no shirt guy has appeared behind you and is climbing up your back; you now smell like seven types of B.O.; a crotch-grab to finger-sniff self-probe comes back negative for jeans-pissing but arouses suspicion from Goldie Hawn chick:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. You definitely have to take a leak but hope to just sweat it out; occasionally looking in your direction is a Forbidden fan who resembles cutie pie Goldie Hawn in Foul Play; if only you would have known Chuck Billy was about to rip your head off and shit down your throat, but alas now you have shitbreath:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. Someone's denim-covered bulge is being pressed dangerously close to your brown zone; two bouncers doze serenely at stage left; your junk throbs excitedly as Testament unveils a rarely (if ever) played classic:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. It's mid-show crash time, so Eric Peterson just pointed in your direction to pump the crowd, to which you respond "Yeahblurgwwwihheflavfigloy!"; your third vicodin has made it seem reasonable to stumble into the designated mosh area; sensing an opportunity for revenge, Testament plays an old song with the word pit in the title:

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. Seven songs in, the crowd is fully lathered; the main floor, like Phil Anselmo, reeks of sweaty balls, cheap weed, and fart; Skonick seductively points his Les Paul at your crotch as he begins to DERka-derka-derka-derka DERka-derka-derka-derka DERka-ka DERka-ka DERka Derka-derka-derka-derka:

NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING DIFFICULT

I understand that Slayer guitarist Kerry King feels it's necessary to wrestle attention away from at least two outlandish uber-bimbos (Ulrich, Mustaine) whose antics distract from the band's forthcoming record World Painted Blood, but his claims lately have been alternately hateful and far-fetched. Why just the other day he told somebody at Metal Hammer:

I don't know Lars that well and I haven't heard it from Lars, but apparently he's talking to somebody about maybe us, Metallica, Megadeth, I think he even threw in Anthrax and I said in this day and age, I know we had that time together, but how do you leave out Machine Head? There's better options than Anthrax and that's nothing against Anthrax, but they've just been in pieces for quite some time and that doesn't make as much sense to me.

OK wow Kerry you're kinda all over the place. First, a magical, imaginary tour with Metallica headlining over Slayer, Megadeth, and Anthrax? Um I guess it's possible, like say if Lars is looking to consolidate his power and exploit the ongoing Thrash Metal renaissance. Could happen. Oh but you'd have to promise Mustaine all sorts of ridiculous shit, like a coffee roaster and strategic No-Lars Zones. Anyway, then you have bewildering praise for Machine Head; that just sounds like four vicodins and a Red Bull talking. OK, he's right about the Nonthrax line-up issues, but Machine Head's best is way more depressing than Anthrax at their very worst. And I've seen both so yeah trust me. And lastly, dude, is Testament a figment of my fucking imagination? I thought we all agree that it should've been the Big Five. Fuck it. Remember that Headbanger's Ball tour with Anthrax, Helloween, and Exodus in like 1989? Well, HooM! could steal that idea for Testament, Cynic, and Municipal Waste and none of you fuckers are invited.

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. "Let Go Of My World" proved that Chuck Billy's pot abstinence program has been fruitful; but now Testament is gonna play a chill number for all the lovers --lovers of Satan's evil.

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. In fantasyworld, the band plays even the songs they've once disowned; at the mention of their polarizing heavy rock record The Ritual, I prepare to rip my pants off and throw them on the stage; my underwear ultimately went of their own accord.

SEPTEMBER SETLIST: TESTAMENT

Setlist is a HooM! serial in which an unreasonable jerk designs an awesome band's most fantastical, logistically impossible night of live mega-Metal. The dream concert set: both the best and the best-known, played before an throbbing ocean of insatiable Metal freaks.

Each day this month, join HooM! as we die and go to Testament heaven. Somebody has awoken the sound guy cuz suddenly you can hear the bass; the band has formally thanked me for coming to the show tonight-ah; do we wanna hear some old shit?