WHO ARE THESE FUCKIN GUYS

It's been a while since Ozzy wasn't the least talented member of his own band, but gimmickry knows no bounds in the Osbourne dimension, and hence this pointless shake-up of the Wince of Darkness's pointless band. That's all changed, as Firewind axeman Gus. G (ne Kostas Kostonmsoihdihoihsfgdusukis) officially completed his first gig in place of heartburn sufferer Zakk Wylde, he of once-mighty riffs. The Gus debut also featured Tommy Cheetos in lieu of re-employed Faith No More drummer Mike Bordin and was thrown together for Ozzy's appearance at BlizzCon which I shit you not is a World of Warcraft event. Have fun at the nerd party, guys?

Osbourne played a 10-song set at the Anaheim Convention Center with backing band guitarist Gus G. (Firewind), drummer Clufetos (Ted Nugent), bassist Rob "Blasko" Nicholson (don't care) and keyboardist Adam Wakeman (son of a guy who didn't back-up nobody ever fuck off Jon Anderson).

That's a pretty off-brand band but whatever. The important thing is that once-rumored Zakk replacement John 'John 5' Lowery (above, on DLR Band's ninth-best song) has been thrown clear in this explosion of yawn, this non-event brought about by withered business minds charged with resuscitating the career of a decade-old corpse. Hey wow it says here that some toddler guitar prodigy joined the band to perform "Crazy Train" and thereby became the youngest ever person to owe money to Sharon. Zing.

WYLDE'S HEART CAN'T BE BROKEN

Rumors of guitarist Zakk Wylde's dismissal from Ozzy's band have been kicking around for like ever. Well at least it was all handled with dignity and grace as befitting a longtime employee and supporter. Oh wait scratch that. Ozzy to Classic Rock:

Well, I’m getting a new guitar player as we speak and everyone has been saying to me for a long time, ‘Get Johnny 5!’ And I tried him at one time and I didn’t really give him a chance. We’ll see, I don’t know. I haven’t fallen out with Zakk, but Zakk’s got his own band, and I felt like my stuff was beginning to sound like Black Label Society. I just felt like I wanted a change, y’know?

To which Wylde replied:

I’m doing Blizzcon with him in August and supposed to finish up the cd in September. This is news to me. I haven’t heard anything about this. Until I talk to the Boss I don’t know. I love Ozzy.

So Ozzy publicly blames his guitarist for Down To Earth's miserable shittiness. But keeps him on for festivals just in case John 5 is wise enough to avoid avoid avoid Sharon. Look, this is low for even the Shosbourne Camp; BLS records can't possibly suck as bad as Ozzy records. Nor do I suspect that BLS favors glitzy ballads and tone deaf non-rock. It's hard to care but let's give Wylde some credit here. After joining Ozzy's band (at 19), he introduced himself with mega-riffs, a proto-Dimebag tone, and three of Oz's best singles.

But as the Osbourne was dropped from his boss's name, Wylde's awesomeness stopped (though he nearly triumphed over shitty synths and a ghastly mix on "No More Tears"). He was stunted and it happened to Eddie Van Halen too, though unlike EVH's unceasing praise, for Wylde it's the futility of effort spent on a fucking Ozzy solo record. That'd be like a public library with a really nice bathroom so weirdos have a safe, sanitary place to bang homeless people. Well that's what Ozzy records make me think of anyway.

AT HOOM! WE INSULT FOR JUSTICE

Those corrupt gossip page celebrity-baiters sure make it hard on us honest, all-American satirists with their bullshit tips and ugly jealousy. Take, say, supreme fuck-up Perez Hilton, who this week discovered one way to make a grown man disregard the rules against violence upon the flamingly gay. Perez suddenly resembles a James Ellroy character but the lesson here is Will.I.Am is a national hero for asking his manager to backhand that tubby slug, and if I were to flatter myself I'd anticipate a nut-kicking from Sharon Osbourne. It's true; many times I've totally stepped over the line by implying she in fact has a penis. And more than once I've portrayed her as an Ozzy-killing drug-peddling tampon face. Wait that wasn't it. Opportunistic hag nobody schooled in the rip-off arts by father Don Arden. That sounds right. Anyway, take your best swing, Shozzy.

EVIL MINDS THAT PLOT DESTRUCTION

I alotted all of 90 seconds to researching Ozzy's family's retarded variety show (???) and from what I can tell, it only aired once? And a shit-ton of stations moved it to late night or eschewed it altogether, like a Milwaukee station that aired a drug awareness special instead. Apparently, Ozzy's on to his next project, a loudly public legal battle with one of Earth's awesomest people, former/current bandmate Tony Iommi. Sigh. From a statement too coherent to be composed by Ozzy:

As of the mid-1990s, after constant and numerous changes in band members, the brand of 'Black Sabbath' was literally in the toilet and Tony Iommi (touring under the name Black Sabbath) was reduced to performing in clubs. Since 1997, when Geezer [Butler, bass], Bill [Ward, drums] and myself rejoined the band, Black Sabbath has returned to its former glory as we headlined sold-out arenas and amphitheatres playing to upwards of 50,000 people at each show around the world. We worked collectively to restore credibility and bring dignity back to the name 'Black Sabbath,' which led to the band being inducted into the U.K. and U.S. Rock And Roll Hall of Fames in 2005 and 2006, respectively.

Constant and numerous changes? Do occurrences exist that are constant yet not numerous? And I think you mean changes to the band's roster, not changes in band members; I don't recall Tony Martin getting a sexual reassignment surgery or a sassy new dye job for Neil Murray. And fucking thanks for raping my eyes with the phrase literally in the toilet. So what you're saying is Tony Iommi's admittedly crummy (though not without highlights) '80s-'90s Black Sabbath outings all occurred in a toilet? That doesn't make sense. Maybe Ozzy did write this pile.

But seriously, I can't think of any Metal band that wasn't 'reduced' to playing clubs at some point in the 90s. Unless they strapped on a wallet chain or married into the American music industry old guard. Read it again, and you'll see that the quote above is an arrogantly undisguised list of things Ozzy's wife ostensibly did for the Black Sabbath brand. It's all about her marketing power, shamed and cowed as she must be in the face of Heaven And Hell's foaming critical and popular reception. And um retards? Bringing success to an organization doesn't entitle you to ownership. If that were the case, the Bark River Inn would owe me huge plus 15 years' interest. People came in droves for the cleanest plates in town. I heard Warrior Soul's "Shine Like It" for the first time in that kitchen and I still think of cole slaw.

HOOM! LIVE FROM THE BLACK CARPET

It kinda bummed me out last week when anti-Metal slag Sharon Osbourne was briefly and reluctantly lauded for defending her family's um non-traditional image as druggies. This is kinda like how idiots proclaimed Osbourne a tough, independent woman after her assault on someone who dared to return her insults. 

Here, Sharon diverts from the fact that she's exploited her family's pathetic (except Ozzy you're the king, buddy) substance problems to further the Osbourne brand. Sharon's slick like that, and being aware that her family is interesting for no other reason, she goes all Senate Floor with some self-righteous non-answer about the disease against which the Osbournes are battling. In public. In exchange for money. To think, until now I couldn't figure out why Patrick Swayze's new show is called Swayze: Dirty Dancing In My Pancreas.

I wonder if Osbourne is smarting about the death of Ozzfest and, more recently, the fact that 16 Fox affiliates aren't picking up Osbournes: Reloaded and an additional 10 stations bury it at late night slots against Baywatch reruns. I'll have to find out on Tuesday, when HooM! reports on location at the big Metal awards event (above) for the awesomes at MetalSucks. 

THAT'SA ESPICY MEATABALL

Last week, VH1 reality superfox/unholy terror Megan Hauserman officially filed suit against Sharon Osbourne, aka the source of all misery in life. I hate Osbourne so much that I swear my therapists thought she was a figment of my imagination. She egged Iron Maiden? She turned Ozzy into a synthy balladeer? Her dad ripped off Steve Marriott for like 10 years? They totally talked to me like I was Costanza in that King Henry outfit. When I proved her existance with a photo, they took me off two of my sripts. Great now I have to get my own Dilaudid. 

Seeking damages for battery, negligence and infliction of emotional distress, Hauserman deserves to be carried into court on the shoulders of a bunch of drunken Irishmen; she really jabbed Osbourne right in the denial zone. Y'know, by insinuating that the opportunistic hag is a pathetic nobody who's riding an oblivious ex-rocker to his early death for her own glorification (reportedly -- video of the exchange still hasn't surfaced). 

Osbourne should've settled immediately, even though duh she's smart to force Hauserman to commit to an actual suit. But last I checked, the assault was captured by VH1 cameras, so. Yeah. Osbourne's defense is rumored to include lobbing eggs and a lovely Who's On First sketch.

DIE WITH YOUR BOOBS ON

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Ugh k I'm not into pistol-whipping blind kids so I won't waste our lives pointing out all the mind-mangling hypocrisy on VH1's Rock Of Love: Charm School reunion special last night. But sweet fancy moses for my own goddamn sanity let us again examine the Sharon Osbourne-Megan Hauserman incident. At the top of the show, Riki Rachtman, dumb fuck, leads the chorus of wagging tongues extended to receive Shosbourne's steaming dump and it just gets worse. When Hauserman, one of two Charm Schoolers with a spine, is called to the stage, Shosbourne sets about insulting her not once not twice but thrice. Finally, Hauserman retaliates with some pointed comments re: her pretense and fake-ass wannabe celebrity status and utter exploitation of Ozzy Osbourne. Whereupon Sharon waddles over and splashes a drink in the visibly intoxicated Hauserman's face and attacks her where she sits.

Months earlier Hauserman ostensibly had been 'expelled' from Charm School for the same reason; just as VH1 downplayed the Brandi M.'s instigating shove that brought on the Hauserman kick, once again we get a mere cut-away so the home audience is left in doubt as to Sharon's guilt. But the slag's make-up, hair, and wardrobe were untouched while Hauserman was carried away, less a fistful of hair. And why was the show buried at such an early slot?

As a ahem strong woman and cough role model, Osbourne may be a gigantic fucking hypocrite for attacking people; again, Hauserman absorbed a dozen insults before zinging Sharon where it stings the most: her fake power-player bullshit. Who else has she managed? Coal Chamber? All those second stage never-beens? Smashing Pumpkins for six minutes? What would Ozzfest have been without her property I mean husband? Did The Chevy Chase Show outlast her daytime program? She is a botox-pumped fraud and twice the cunt as the worst Charm Schooler (for the record: Heather Chadwell congrats on landing Anna Nicole Smith's former stylist wow). And if you buy that horseshit about Osbourne's violence being in defense of her husband's honor, get the fuck out of my face you rube; if that were her concern, Ozzy wouldn't have done those last three records. Or Pepsi and mobile phone ads. Or ripped off Bob Daisley and Lee Kerslake. Twice.

As if to stamp out any further doubt, Osbourne goes on to backhand Bret Michaels and laud Charm School winner Brandi M. for earmarking her prize money for the worthy cause of breast implants and a trip to Hawaii. That is, after a visit to wow the Playboy Mansion. Sucks to be you, Sharon. You are a zero. Ask around if you don't believe me. P.S. Fuck Riki Rachtman.

I'M GOING TO KICK SHOSBOURNE IN THE BALLS

OK well this officially means war, Sharon Osbourne. Here I am, suffering through all your hypocritical, pretentious bullshit on Rock of Love: Charm School (hey it's reality TV - bullshit is part of the deal). After a seeming eternity in the parallel dimension known as Heather, we finally get a brief but bonery trip to MegansVille last night thanks to the series' ratings-milking clip show. Even better, the peek at next week's finale of ROL:CS indicates that fan favorites Megan Hauserman (above, left) and um bosom buddy Brandi C. will appear alongside the remaining three arguebots who hope to win $100,000 and the title of most-deskanked rock tramp, as judged by Sharon Osbourne, the filthy-mouthed nobody whose father bequeathed her Ozzy. She mated with the oblivious rocker, then sold their troll-like spawn to MTV. I could go on but the point is that Shosbourne and I were only a hair's breadth away from open warfare before yesterday. And then yesterday came and with it the taping of ROL:CS's reunion show. TMZ reports:

Hauserman claims Osbourne went ballistic during a taping of the show's reunion special Saturday night and accuses Osbourne of running across the stage, grabbing her by the hair and refusing to let go. According to Hauserman, Osbourne continued to pull and scratch until security eventually separated the two. Megan went to the hospital Sunday afternoon and filed a report with the LAPD (video) on Sunday night. According to Megan, the whole thing started after Osbourne took a verbal shot at her, and the Charm School contestant responded by saying that Sharon is only famous for "managing a brain dead rock star." And then all hell broke loose. The LAPD says Sharon is a suspect in a minor battery. No charges have been filed.

Calls to VH1 and Sharon's management company were not returned.

How very ahem charming and ladylike of you, Sharon. Much like when Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden refused to deal with your powerdyke bullshit and in retaliation, your punk-ass egged his band. You raging cunt. This will not stand, man. This unchecked aggression will not stand, man. Your husband goes out and makes you money all over town and then you come and attack Megan? Eat a bag of dicks, you stupid slag.

SHOSBOURNE STRIKES AGAIN

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Many lines were crossed on this week's Rock Of Love Charm School; it goes without saying that the polarizing Megan Hauserman was at the center of the millieu. First, a combustible Rodeo took the sad puppy look off her face momentarily in order to berate Hauserman, whose attempts to innocently cheat were foiled by Brandi M. during the Trashion Show challenge. As usual, those opposing Meggles were sadly out of their skill set, including hostess Sharon Osbourne, who also attempted to shock down the blonde bikini babe in a closing tirade (upsetting Brandi C. to the point of tears, natch). At least Osbourne was wise enough to see through Rodeo's pathetic attempts to tarnish Megan, expelling the stocky barbeque sauce entrepreneuse which led to some choice sore loser action (above).

The premise of the aforementioned Trashion Show challenge was something about having your clothes destroyed while on tour, but somehow salvaging usable outfits from the mess. Osbourne's real life example was how once she was backstage someone spilled wine on her shirt. That's it? No specifics about what show or band? Oh that's right she was busy counting Ozzy's money.

SHARON OSBOURNE: HERPES ON THE BONER OF METAL

'Ahhhh hahahahaha. Moneymoneymoneymoney!! Hahahaaaaaaha!'

Traveling festivals tend to suck balls, but America is a big place with a lot of tribal-tattooed fools easily separated from their money. Texans, especially. Just ask tireless bullshitter/soulless twat/Ozzy-profiteer Sharon Osbourne, spawn of Don Arden (above). From Billboard:

This year's one-off Ozzfest [in Dallas] did "fantastically well," said Osbourne. "The one thing is you want for the kids to go away and keep talking about what a great show it was, and that's what they're doing."

Uhhh the 'kids' are 'talking about what a great show it was'? What kids? Talking to whom? According to this article, the concert grossed $3.5 million; this shit was underachieving until $haron (see what I did there? I'm amazing!) hastily threw together a ahem 'tribute' to Dimebag, once again reducing the slain axeman to a marketing tool. I wonder how much of that $3.5 million is going towards the creation of an indestructible bionic Dime-bot. More delusional PR-speak:

Going out as a free event in 2007 was "a great learning experience," Osbourne says. "Everything you do should be a learning experience, unless you're such an egomaniac you think everything you do is right, and we're not. I'm glad that we did it. The fans went away happy, but my God, it was probably one of the toughest things we've ever done. Who would think it was so tough to give something away free?"

Oh poor, poor Sharon. Let's all thank her for giving her all to bring last year's awful uh 'free' Ozzfest to our thirsty-for-Hatebreed ears. Great spin, tubs. According to her, she's not an egomaniac and the fans went away happy. Oh except for the Iron Maiden fans of course. Hope it's worth it, Sharon. See you in hell.