THIS WEEK WAS STUPID AS FUCK AND YOU KNOW IT

Fucking damnit I don't know who is running Earth this week, but it's probably a drunk retard cuz director John Hughes died at 59, yet Brett Ratner and Riki Rachtman walk the earth hale and healthy. And this year's Rock Gone Wild is in grave peril (Dangerous Toys and Junkyard on the same fucking day!). And meanwhile, so-called god turns a blind eye to reprehensible crab-ass urbilly beard-orgies and garbagecore fests headlined by Limp B****t and L***** ****. And now Metal Sucks is slagging Jake E. Lee, thunderaxe (above, ripping shit apart at Badlands rehearsal, RIP Ray Gillen). Fuck life.

I know I sound hysterical but goddammit it's really piling up around here: The Ozzy-Zakk thing; the Nelson-Bush-Ian's fat mouth thing; Mustaine's starting to pimp his kid out just like Deaddie Van Halen (see what I did there? State school no really!); and yeah the guy behind Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is dead. Hughes also wrote the first and third Vacation movies. And Ferris Beuller's Day Off was his too. So, yeah, basically the films that showed me how to vulgarly rage at both strangers and my family, and how easy it is to deceive those vain enough to assume positions of authority. So yeah I'll be wasted in the pool until further notice.

WYLDE'S HEART CAN'T BE BROKEN

Rumors of guitarist Zakk Wylde's dismissal from Ozzy's band have been kicking around for like ever. Well at least it was all handled with dignity and grace as befitting a longtime employee and supporter. Oh wait scratch that. Ozzy to Classic Rock:

Well, I’m getting a new guitar player as we speak and everyone has been saying to me for a long time, ‘Get Johnny 5!’ And I tried him at one time and I didn’t really give him a chance. We’ll see, I don’t know. I haven’t fallen out with Zakk, but Zakk’s got his own band, and I felt like my stuff was beginning to sound like Black Label Society. I just felt like I wanted a change, y’know?

To which Wylde replied:

I’m doing Blizzcon with him in August and supposed to finish up the cd in September. This is news to me. I haven’t heard anything about this. Until I talk to the Boss I don’t know. I love Ozzy.

So Ozzy publicly blames his guitarist for Down To Earth's miserable shittiness. But keeps him on for festivals just in case John 5 is wise enough to avoid avoid avoid Sharon. Look, this is low for even the Shosbourne Camp; BLS records can't possibly suck as bad as Ozzy records. Nor do I suspect that BLS favors glitzy ballads and tone deaf non-rock. It's hard to care but let's give Wylde some credit here. After joining Ozzy's band (at 19), he introduced himself with mega-riffs, a proto-Dimebag tone, and three of Oz's best singles.

But as the Osbourne was dropped from his boss's name, Wylde's awesomeness stopped (though he nearly triumphed over shitty synths and a ghastly mix on "No More Tears"). He was stunted and it happened to Eddie Van Halen too, though unlike EVH's unceasing praise, for Wylde it's the futility of effort spent on a fucking Ozzy solo record. That'd be like a public library with a really nice bathroom so weirdos have a safe, sanitary place to bang homeless people. Well that's what Ozzy records make me think of anyway.

NBA GONE WYLDE

A couple years ago, we were freaked out to see NBA's All-Star game feature like three country bands as half-time entertainment. Apparently, the NBA's focus group sessions have yielded them data implying that red state, tucked-in shirt types are intimidated by 10 towering non-whites throwing elbows. So it's unsurprising to see the trend continue as for some reason a self-styled redneck played the national anthem last week preceding a Western Conference Finals game in Denver. Ironically, it's the best thing Zakk Wylde's played on in a decade. Check out all the names they have to drop to interest the understandably nervous Denver crowd, including Wylde's "established rock band" Black Label Society. So why didn't Brandy do the honors at Churchill Downs?