THAT VINCE NEILSTEIN REALLY BOILS MY POTATO

My heart felt all gooey today after peeking at Metal Sucks, where co-honcho Vince Neilstein took us through time to last week and an incoherent HooM! virtual high-five to Franshe prog-awesomists Gorod. But enough about them this is just the breakthrough I've been awaiting to ratchet up the intensity of mine and Vince's e-cuddling; I imagine he is a firm but gentle hugger with soft elbows uh ahem what? anyway cough he led the article with a nod to HooM! faves One Man Army and The Undead Quartet and check out the pristine construction on this guy. No ending the sentence with a prep on Metal Sucks, jerkholes!:

Like Stratovarius, 1MA+U4 is one of those bands whose name constantly graces Blabbermouth headlines but to whom I’ve never actually listened.

Now, my tight-ass teachers would tell you it should've read to which I've never actually listened but rules get fuzzy when applied to a thing ('bands') which is comprised of people (ex-The Crown screamer Johan Lindstrom et al). But even that gets stretched when UK guys say janky-sounding shit like 'Black Sabbath are brilliant.' I'm a real crowd-pleaser so I'll cover all bases with little stylistic cheats like the members of (for who/m) or the music of (which/that) and such. But shit this isn't about me, it's about Vince-Nasty, the second Metal journo to be treated this week to a tonguebath on HooM!. But hey let that be a lesson; good grammar means success just ask Mike Muir, Thrash Metal Grammarian! He says fucking therein in this jam.

SUICIDAL TENDENCIES SHIRT SPURS DOUCHEICIDE

It's painful that after achieving my life's mission to reside in Suicidal Tendencies country, I realize that I'm more than a decade too late. This is why it's dangerous to set your life's goals at age 11 and based on an ad in Thrasher. My paradise of young, angry Metal heads strutting around on angel dust with flannels split to the chin, chinos, and hat brims flipped up may be a long-dead memory/hallucination, but it's promising that ST mark III is alive and playing mediocre punk in Europe. Cuz that means the day is drawing near when the Thrash revival penetrates the ST camp, resulting in a full-blown reunion/celebration of How Will I Laugh Tomorrow.../Controlled By Hatred.../Lights...-era material.

For now, new single "Come Alive" at least hints at classic crossover thrash (guitar solos!) which is nice. The next step is to strip singer Mike Muir of that bar league softball team jersey-style ST shirt. On second thought, it's a step up from this blasphemous douche bag action (above).

AHH THE MYSTERIES OF LIFE

You always hear people saying how inspirational they find Oprah or some rich person with cancer, but my nearest equivalent is last week when I was inspired to plug a jet of vomit shooting from my throat when I saw John Travolta's look in the Taking of Pelham 123 trailer. Until today, when that incorrigible rake at What Would Tyler Durden Do? let slip that he harbored a mild crush on indie rocker Tanya Donnelly (Belly, Throwing Muses). I totally have one of those, only it's a non-frumpy sexy nerd with no penchant for mu-mus or bad bleach jobs and whose records don't reek: the golden throated (sorry) and possessor of limitless charm Sarah Shannon of Velocity Girl. Best meat-and-potatoes singer in the genre, back when it was not yet pocked with hipster contrarianisms and rich bald pricks. Anyway, Sarah wherever you are, quality work. .

But VG's first record bewildered me cuz Shannon's voice was buried way down in the mix. I think they were going for shoegazer. You spend the entire album subconsciously leaning toward the speakers so as to hear the fucking words. To make matters worse, she splits time with a well-meaning but lunkhead guy who treads sloppily on her nuanced singing. Kinda reminds me of Mike Muir and Rocky George of Suicidal Tendencies. The solos of the latter stretch beyond any bounds of good taste and the former rarely ceases jabbering. And yet ST made at least three classic records. Makes you think.

LAMB OF GODDAMN IT ANYWAY

I'm a connected guy in the music industry, so I knew that if I indiscriminately HJ'ed all of my contacts that eventually somebody would furnish me with an advance of the new Lamb of God record, Wrath. Well, my right hand is leathered and claw-like -- and my lotion budget exploded by 300% -- but it was worth it! Wrath is wrath-ical! Ha holy shit I'm good. 

But I feel like a dickhole cuz the title (and only the title) of Wrath's fifth track "Fake Messiah" totally reminded me of "Fake Healer" (above), the thunderous opening track on Metal Church's boffo Blessing In Disguise record (Terry Date y'all). Which got me pondering Golden Age Thrash Metal bands' love of semi-informed socio-political commentary, a topic best covered by the Metal Inquisition guys. Suffice it to say EVERY Thrash band had a song about fraudulent religious figures (Ozzy/"Miracle Man"; Anthrax/"Make Me Laugh"; Suicidal Tendencies/"Send Me Your Money"; ad infinitum). 

But anyway, I didn't pay attention to the entire second half of Wrath as I tearfully followed the unfortunate arc of Metal Church's non-career on All Music Guide and recalled my years as an impressionable youth who considered a community of pimply heshers the authority on social responsibility. Way to depress the shit outta me, Lamb of God. 

'SCUSE ME WHILE I CRACK THIS GUY

Since watching Get Thrashed last month, I've been really pissed recalling stupid grunge music from the 90s. It really sticks in my craw that real Metal -- and solid rock bands like Dangerous Toys, Junkyard, BulletBoys (ok BulletBoys were tempting fate) -- went down with the hair rock ship. It suddenly was fashionable to slag oh-faced crotch rockers and declare mirthless alternative rock the savior of music and the world as a whole. Pfft. 

Now those same face-mulleteers stand in awe of bands like Mastodon (rightly) as though engaging, ambitious, intensely musical metal had hitherto not existed (wrong). Like Thrash Metal had never evolved beyond the Baloffian mosh anthem or Kill 'Em All-style paens to the unyielding glory of metal. It makes me want to slap that bottle of Stella to the floor, grab dudes by the beard and screech 'Ever hear Voivod's Nothingface, Mr. Tightpants? Oh you like the schizophrenic despair of Nirvana's In Utero? Yeah, um Suicidal Tendencies did that on How Will I Laugh Tomorrow.' 

These are the same dingleberries who used to hurriedly defend their overtly racist taste in good rap (not that silly gangster shit), when anyone with at least one testicle (symbolic or otherwise) knows that 'conscious' hip hop is insufferably smug, generally unlistenable, and strictly for pussies. And that irresponsible gun-toting druggies like Ghostface and Geto Boys rule. Now they do the same for Metal, as in 'Yeah but Mastodon is good metal. Not that silly shit like Slipknot mwhaw.'

Whew. Sorry what I meant to say is Check out the new Mastodon Crack The Skye artwork (above). The album's second song "Diviniations" streams here (at the 21:30 mark); the sure-to-be historic album out late March! Probably.

TRY NOT TO BARF IT'S THE SEQUEL

The real killer about wankbags like Ryan Adams (above, in a Metallica shirt) is the hypocrisy. See, wiggers get skewered and barred by polite society as people falsely adopting the behaviors of a different social group. So should not hipsters be persecuted likewise? they aren't mountain men, cowboys, or old tyme good ol' boys. But don't tell that to their beards. Yeah there are times I fear a hoedown will break out. Then people like Adams tire of the trend (which they credit to themselves) and move on to some other fake shit, i.e. 'getting into Metal.' No sale. Don't use Metal to prove to yourself that you're dangerous even without needle drugs. Wanna prove something, hunkypants? Play some metal songs to your honky-ass concert audience. I suggest "Pledge Your Allegiance" by Suicidal Tendencies. Urbillies out of Metal!

NO SURVIVORS!

As an infantile, legend-in-my-own-mind type, I'm prone to bouts of venomous muttering and holy shit, a co-worker totally busted me in the middle of a full-tilt soliloquy today. I hurriedly explained that the bimbonic Dave Mustaine was pissing me off 'with all these goddamn best-of releases.' Still smirking, the knocking-deficient co-worker stated that as it were he himself was a Megadeth fan, specifically of their 'awesome Countdown To Extinction album.' I only stabbed him once with my letter opener 'cause he's a few years younger and it's understandable that he was late to the party.

 

We then huddled over the non-sensical tracklisting for Mustaint's latest pointless compilation and recoiled in unison at its awfulness. Positively strip-mining for something positive, I tonelessly expressed that at least the anthology takes its title from one of Metal's best achievements, "Set The World Afire." I was immediately embarrassed upon the realization that Megadeth has hardly 'set the world afire' (despite some pretty major hits) and that the title is egomaniacal and worse,  inaccurate. On top of that, Mustaine is currently a coffee-swilling Republican pussy who wouldn't even enjoy civilization's blinding immolation. Shit. 

Anyway, there are few songs more Metal than "Set The World Afire." It's got all the requisite parts of a classic of the genre: 

• no fewer than three incredible riffs
  
• themes of destruction, fatalism, mistrust of authority
  
• anti-social attitudes expressed by a self-perceived outcast
  
• mocking, sneering, sarcastic tone
• multiple guitar solos 
  
• general awesomeness throughout
  
• tempo change, preferably double time (optional)
• no proto-hardcoreisms (i.e. mentions of strength, pride, power, hurt feelings, tears, etc.)
• unsuitable for radio play, mass consumption; offensive
  

"Set The World Afire" has relatives, other classics so Metal that if Earth's pot supply was being held hostage in the jungle by Metal-starved Colombian terrorists, I'd confidently stride into their huts with a Maxell tape held at arm's length and walk out with two Louisville Slugger-sized doobers. Note: These aren't my favorite metal songs*, and in some cases, not even said band's best. Plus, I've undoubtedly overlooked a few, so chip in. Your pot may depend on it.

******HooM! Metallest Songs Ever******

Presented by Hipsters Out Of Metal!

(alphabetical by artist)

Anthrax "Finale" (listen)

Cyclone Temple "March For Me Die For Me" (listen)

Flotsam And Jetsam "No Place For Disgrace" (listen)

Megadeth "Set The World Afire" (listen)

Metallica "Ride The Lightning" (listen)

Metallica "Disposable Heroes" (listen)

Overkill "Elimination" (listen)

Overkill "I Hate" (listen)

Slayer "War Ensemble" (listen)

Suicidal Tendencies "Waking The Dead" (listen)

Testament "Seven Days of May" (listen)

*Well, they are. 'Cause I'm so Metal. But that's not the point.

Suicidal Tendencies: A Simple Equation

If you are metal, then you love Suicidal Tendencies. If you don't, you're not. If you're not now, you never were. 

Thanks to the Metal Injection team, who changed my life Monday with this clip of Cyco Mike Muir & Co. live in 1992.