IT"S MOTHERFUCKING BLUE MURDER TIME

A quiet item on Blabbermouth Wednesday morning announced the departure of ex-Whitesnake guitarist John Sykes from Thin Lizzy. While rational people wouldn't deign to register the information, for Blue Murder fans it sets off alarm bells and flashing lights. Last Fall, Sykes shot down an agitating Carmen Appice, BM's mustachioed skinsman, who pledged a BM tour in a 2006 interview. But as a wingnut who counts the summer of Blue Murder discovery as a major turning point in my life, it's my sonofabitching right to just ya know choose to believe in a coming string of reunion shows before Appice's body stops moving cuz he's like 70. My mindpower worked on Faith No More and Cave In. Everybody should follow my example and that of a smattering of Bmouth commenters. It's just like religious people who submit to begging on their knees, then claim divine favor when their wishes are accidentally fulfilled. You're welcome, Faith No More fans! I did that shit! Now Blue Murder super happy let's go!

UM I MADE THIS HAPPEN

OK this rumor first popped up on April Fools' Day and I assumed I was being made fun of in a really accurate and cute way but fuckin-A this shit is actually happening. That's according to the rather suspect Deep Purple Appreciation Society. I mean, whom do we count among this society? If we're talking Bruce Dickinson and the other guys from Skunkworks, it deserves credibility. But, just as likely, these appreciators of the deep and purple are grody bald guys with ponytails. Anyway, the good news!

The 20th anniversary re-master of Whitesnake's Slip Of The Tongue is set for release in mid-June. Both are the combined CD/DVD type and come in nice digipacks. The DVD content is a mix of promos and live tracks. 

Slip Of The Tongue:

•  The original 1989 masterpiece

• "Now You're Gone" (U.S. Remix)
  
• "Fool For Your Loving" (The Vai Voltage Mix)
  
• "Slip Of The Tongue" (Live At Donnington 1990)
  
• "Kittens Got Claws" (Live At Donnington 1990)

Slip Of The Tongue DVD:

• "Fool For Your Loving" (promo clip)
  
• "Now You're Gone" (promo clip)
  
• "The Deeper The Love" (promo clip)
  
• "The Deeper The Love" (Live Acoustic 1997 from Starkers In Tokyo)
  
• "Sailing Ships" (Live Acoustic 1997 from Starkers In Tokyo)
  
• "Judgement Day" (Live 2006 from Live... In The Still Of The Night DVD)
  
• "Slip Of The Tongue" (Live At Donnington 1990)
  
• "Kittens Got Claws" (Live At Donnington 1990)
  

So it looks like those countless nights lying on my back with my eyes squeezed shut and this record cranked, praying for a thunderous, cacophonous remaster of the mind-bending guitar orgy that is Slip Of The Tongue have paid off for all of us. Unfortunately, those countless nights lying on my back with my eyes squeezed shut, praying for Slide It In to be wiped from the very annals of history have not paid off. All the same, I'm intoxicated by these newfound powers and have tyrannically deleted any allusion to that chunk of shit in the excerpt up there -- and performed surgery on the cruddy PR copy. Now I gotta invoice frontman David Coverdale for 1.5 hours. Or we could settle right now with a new SotT to play and one to stitch into the lining of my coffin.  

JOHN SYKES IS THE BEST. AND THE WORST.

Everybody knows John Sykes is the brains behind Whitesnake's 1987 self-titled record and the preposterous/awesome Blue Murder debut. But apparently the brains behind John Sykes is Spinal Tap's Nigel Tufnel, whom Sykes recalls with disturbing ease during a solo onstage in 1984 (above) replete with sudden stops, telltale wind-ups, and aimless, tuneless wanking. Somebody in the crowd should've tossed him a violin. 

DAVID COVERDALE GODDAMN

The 2008-09 NBA season came to a end last night and honestly, one of the highlights was the maturation of rookie commentator Jon Barry. He was downright pithy and amusing in the closing weeks, after four months of Reggie Miller-esque numbskull blathering. But unlike Miller, who every Thursday steals precious years from Marv Albert's life with his retarded shit, Barry has improved! A lot, as it turns out! He's basketball commentary's David Coverdale, whose suckass band Whitesnake sucked ass until 1987, when the pouty singer was forced to ratchet up his game to match John fucking Sykes. (Later, to match Steve Vai on Slip Of The Tongue, a bombastic guitarathon matched only by the Sykes-led Blue Murder's eponymous debut that SAME YEAR!) 

Sykes' work on Whitesnake's self-titled 1987 record was so awesome that Coverdale just sang over it at the MTV Video Music Awards (above), forcing his stooges (looking at you Campbell) to dance around like drunken walruses. Oh and Coverdale rubs the microphone on his cock. Yeah he's good. That Tawny Kitaen is one lucky lady.

WHITESNAKE HEAT, RED HOT

Like everybody, I find the newly-announced Judass Priest/Whitesnake bill kinda unusual and somewhat foul. But there's a twisted logic to the pairing, cuz Priest singer/man fan Rob Halford will seem that much more studly after a dozen of Whitesnake singer/arch bushman David Coverdale's songs about crying and summoning the strength to leave her behind and can't keep away noooo-whoaa.

Still, let it not be said that I wouldn't submit to a public horsewhipping in return for a televised duet with Monica of Slip Of The Tongue mushfest "The Deeper The Love" (above). Long skinny mics, formalwear, trading verses/harmonizing on the choruses, fists clenched to chests -- you betcha. Then we'd make babies right there on the set of Ellen.

DO NOT WATCH THE OSCARS

Like you needed me to tell you. This shit is so desperately retarded that even I am embarrassed for the Oscar show producers and the multitudinous celebrities who were either snubbed or unsubtly declined to present. In the meantime, enjoy a clip of all the best and most hilarious profanity from the Best Picture noms, among them not included is The Dark Knight. Which just broke the $1 billion mark. You read that right. One BILLION dollars worldwide. So you can see why it's not up for best picture. And yet it's just so hard to figure out why no one watches the ghastly Oscars telecast. Despite the fact that it's on Sunday night. Yeah people would rather watch a meth-head build houses. Personally I'd rather rock the current play count champion on my iPod, Whitesnake's "Wings of the Storm," for three hours then deal with this bullshit. 

RAPED ON RADIO

There are two equally odious sides to the dreaded Radio Remix. I don't even know if they pull this bullshit anymore, but it's not to be confused with the Radio Edit (shrinking the song); this is more like a wholesale pussification of the original track, replete with added backing vox and an alternate pussy-friendly mix. OK I get it, the record company wants to reach more pussies, sell more copies, make money, blah bling blort. But does it not shock and dismay the drivetime/workday radio pussy to purchase Whitesnake's 1987 self-titled album only to find a less pussy version of "Here I Go Again," not the pussy-ass radio remix that the pussy loves dearly? 

Though just as often it's the reverse, like oh say when a lover of one of L.A. Guns' two good songs catches its repugnantly overproduced evil twin (above) on Dee Snider's House of Hair, resulting in a spray of cherry Mountain Dew/vodka (it's called a Code Dred) down the side of my lily white fridge. Oh the horror how they ruined this classic song. Recoil from the tacked-on guitar solos! Shriek in terror at the edge-smoothing synths! Cower from the Milli Vanilli chorus singers as they dwarf Phil Lewis's original vocal. OK fine the aaahhhh that follows "You take and you take all you can" (1:44) is a nice touch. Otherwise AAAH burn it send it to hell.

METAL WALKS AMONG US

I won't wear out your eyes with more flimsy insistence that R&B wailers like Monica, Brandy, and Mariah Carey are to non-Metal what Tommy Baron (Coroner), Dave Murray (Iron Maiden), and Steve Vai (Whitesnake) are to Metal: mind-blowing virtuosos who elevate even the most mundane material to soaring heights with their skills. But briefly: Monica is the most powerful and stirring singer, though as a second tier seller is privy only to tracks passed over by the diamond acts; so her uneven records waste jaw-dropping performances (Baron/Coroner). Brandy, meanwhile, has the best voice and packs her tight, virtually filler-free albums with mega-engrossing melodies and occasionally hideous lyrics (Murray/Maiden). Mariah is pure technique, possibly the most mechanically mind-blowing singer since what's-her-name who cameoed in The Blues Brothers. If you can stand all that goddamn squealing (Vai/Whitesnake).

If virtuosity is Metal, then Brandy is double-Metal because "I Tried" (above) from her 2004 outing Afrodisiac (ugh) is built on a killer sample taken from a legendary Metal band. Are you Metal enough to spot it? Answer next week in HooM! Google it if you're gay.

THAT CUNT JUST STOLE MY TUNE!

Well, what I'm saying is Barack Obama is what America needs right now, mate. Some criticisms of him are accurate, but these are things upon which he'll improve. He just radiates calm. After all the irrational shouting and gun-waving of the last eight years, Americans need cool, clear heads. Thanks for asking; yes this was my first presidential election as a citizen. You know, I'm a full American now, but fancypants David Byrne the artist Talking Heads guy tra-la-la still isn't!? Ha! For all his high art, he can't even vote! All his music is sold as a reflection of American life and he's not even full American like me, David fucking Coverdale. "Once In A Lifetime"? Try "Slide It In," geek! Hang on d'you hear that? Turn on CNN, mate. That's my fucking tune. Goddammit John McCain is using my tune? Fuck me. Look I gotta hang up and call my fucking lawyers. Well I can't have my tunes being associated with McCain. What is he trying to pull? He's not a loner, a rebel. Next time we play "Slow An' Easy" people are gonna think of McCain getting out of a tub. Cindy get me Ian's number! Well it's in our little file now innit!? Fucking hell.