WARREL, TAYLOR DANE

Equal in my book to the great insulters of this world (see yesterday's blue ribbon rank-out here) are the ruiners. The out-of-line. Like Jarvis Cocker when he waggled his fanny at Michael Jackson's audience. The incident with Sebastian Bach's abominable t-shirt. Or even ignorant-ass Daz Dillinger instructing an awards show crowd to 'sincerely from the bottom of [his] heart ... eat this dick.' So naturally I'm a superfan of Kanye West's bad behavior, which first caught my eye post-Katrina with that anti-Bush outburst that turned Mike Myers gay. Since then, West has generously donated to the world delightful bratery and whitey-angering loudmouthery, but none as empowering to the square community as Sunday night's drunken hijacking of a defenseless Taylor Swift's acceptance speech at the VMAs. Taylor Swift? Sound more like VM-Gayz. And newsflash, Beyonce sucks ass so I guess we're going to agree to disagree here. At any rate, my vote for best female video this and every year since 1990 is Sanctuary and their hot-ass singer, named Wendy or Carol or something. I heard Mustaine banged her.

OK SAMBORA I FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT SOLO ALBUM

One gripe of which I never tire is the occasional House of Hair shows which consist of nothing but limp synth rock. Usually the Dee Snider-fronted weekly rocks, and when he's forced to play Bon Jovi it's followed with some snide (heh heh) remarks about office lady rock like BonJ. And yet I'd pretty much kill for Bon Jovi (above, truly meaningless music) on the wack-ass nights in question, when Snider spins naught but middle-aged moustache pop rock like late Deep Purple ("Point of no returrrrrn") and MSG ("Anytime anytie-yiiim you want may") and the heaviest it gets is gasp "The Final Countdown." It's hard to bail on the show cuz it's like my special time, but man Saraya is some wack shit. Did you ever this Lita Ford atrocity? Then it's "Burning Heart" by Vanderburg ugh.

But worst of all is the pseudo-Clapton honky blues of dreaded Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora and his debut solo album Stranger In This Town sweet lord are you serious dude? It sounds like the Lethal Weapon 3 soundtrack with vocals, not the earthly and soulful storytelling of a mysterious drifter. His non-professional affairs aren't exactly endearing either, from the Locklear-Richards switcheroo to the DUI with kids in the car. But we at HooM! are here to say that Sambora is not a complete jackass as widely recorded. See, Bon Jovi (the high-singing dork) helped Skid Row, a real band, land a record deal but rudely cut himself and Sambora into the deal as publishers. I imagine Doc McGhee was involved judging from Sebastian Bach's reaction to his presence on VH1 SuperGroup. Anyway, what I'd never heard was that Sambora gave his share back to the band! Oh I mean from the unimpeachable Wikipedia:

After a big public dispute Richie Sambora gave his share of the money back to Skid Row.

So I guess Jon just threw his on the pile, huh. Maybe he could spend it on a set of testacles.

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT

That Jamey Jasta. Dude seems nice enough, but his resume doesn't exactly glow because of his unexceptional band Hatebreed (disagree at the peril of your credibility) and the funereal proceedings of Headbangers Ball (of which he is host). Apparently he's a glutton for punishment too, as not only has he agreed to work on a new solo album from notorious dunderhead Sebastian Bach, but this morning lobbed this softball:

All the Skid Row/Bach fans need not worry; I am not trying to infuse a Hatebreed/Kingdom of Sorrow sound or style. I'm just hoping to write and produce a bunch of GREAT anthemic metal/rock songs for him. Think Painkiller-era Priest meets Vulgar Display of Power meets Slave To The Grind.

Uh yeah whoa not trying to be a dick, but if Jasta were able to pen material on par with Paaain!Killah!, Vulgar, Slave (greatest hard rock album of all time?), I gotta ask: Why has he been holding this material back for a Sebastian Bach solo album that no one will hear? Cuz that'd be wacky. Zany, even.

DON'T LET THE DOOR HIT YA IN THE VAG

I was in this uppity bookstore a while back and freaked out after spotting those amusing George W. Bush novelty countdown clocks. It read that Junior had like 735 days left as president. By that point, hadn't he been ruining life for like 30,000 days? That's all behind us now. Take it, Baz!

NEIL PEART IS HOTT

This awesome drummer I knew in high school used to thrill/nauseate me with his furious love of Motley Crue. Man he loved Crue. But this cat was cool 'cause he didn't let those dumbshits off the hook for bad behavior. And we're not talking drugs n' strippers bad behavior -- more like "Shout At The Devil '97" bad behavior. The only thing he loved more than Crue was Skid Row singer Sebastian Bach. He'd quip, "I'm not gay, but I think I'd blow Baz if given the chance." My reply was usually "Did you not see that infamous t-shirt? Dunno if he's into that." Weird.

On that note, if my dream of hugging an actual bear never comes true, I'd settle for a bear-hug from God of All Drummers Neil Peart, who turns 56 today. Happy birthday, Professor. 

WHY MUST JOHN SYKES SMASH MY DREAMS?

Back when Skid Row was touring for their debut album, this record store announced a meet-and-greet with the then-awesome New Jersey quintet. Earlier that year, I amazed myself by phoning in to the proto-TRL countdown show Dial MTV to request the Skids' first single "Youth Gone Wild" only to have my call selected for the on-air intro. All those pussies were like "This is Missy from Tulsa and I wanna hear Bobby Brown's 'On Our Own' from Ghostbusters II. I love you, Danny!" Nah, my shit was Metal. 

But anyway: After a lot of arm-twisting, a deal was brokered in which the family car would detour to the record store for '10 minutes maximum' so I could gawk at Rachel Bolan's complicated face jewelry in person. Of course, we didn't leave on time so I was already sweating when I got through the door to find that the signing was now happening at the bigger store on the south side. "How in the planet of fuck was I supposed to know that??" I bellowed, searching the faces of the Toto-loving dingleberries on staff. If memory serves, at least four hands shoved me out the front door. My arsenal at that age was largely loogie-based, a weapon easily thwarted by doors. Big disappointment. 

That ugly scene nearly vanished from my mind until Blue Murder's John Sykes trashed my goddamn dreams today. See, a couple years ago, drummer Carmine Appice intimated that some reunion shows were on the event horizon for the mega-trio, authors of history's most awesomely bombastic hair rock album. Well, we can forget about that shit, as Sykes explains to Metal-Rules:

You know, I always get offers to do Blue Murder again; I was asked to do Sweden Rock and Arrow Rock Festival with Blue Murder this year.

Two years ago Carmine Appice told us there were plans for Blue Murder to do a tour in Japan, with [original bassist] Tony Franklin. What happened?

Well, it's not his decision. Carmine does a lot of talking, but it's not his band so it doesn't matter. He's part of the band, but with Blue Murder I was the only guy signed to the contract; it was my band. I picked those guys to play in my band, but Carmine always talks like it's his band and that's why we never get together because he's too much of a pain in the ass.

Still, if anything was ever going to be happen with Blue Murder again, would it be with you, Carmine and Tony?

I think it should be Tony and Carmine. But you know, maybe I'll use Simon Phillips and somebody else on bass. It'd be easier and it'd still be great, but again people wanna see original players. [laughs]

You dick, John. There have already been offers?!!?? What the hell are you waiting for?? An apology from David Coverdale? And by the way, I've heard your off-brand version of Blue Murder live and I don't mind telling you that it sounds like two flabby old people attempting The Boston Brute. Everybody knows Blue Murder is your shit, so stop puffing out your chest with these threats and play some fucking shows, cockface. It's not like you're busy with something awesome. Oh yeah, you're in ahem "Thin Lizzy."