THIS WEEK WAS STUPID AS FUCK AND YOU KNOW IT

Fucking damnit I don't know who is running Earth this week, but it's probably a drunk retard cuz director John Hughes died at 59, yet Brett Ratner and Riki Rachtman walk the earth hale and healthy. And this year's Rock Gone Wild is in grave peril (Dangerous Toys and Junkyard on the same fucking day!). And meanwhile, so-called god turns a blind eye to reprehensible crab-ass urbilly beard-orgies and garbagecore fests headlined by Limp B****t and L***** ****. And now Metal Sucks is slagging Jake E. Lee, thunderaxe (above, ripping shit apart at Badlands rehearsal, RIP Ray Gillen). Fuck life.

I know I sound hysterical but goddammit it's really piling up around here: The Ozzy-Zakk thing; the Nelson-Bush-Ian's fat mouth thing; Mustaine's starting to pimp his kid out just like Deaddie Van Halen (see what I did there? State school no really!); and yeah the guy behind Planes, Trains, and Automobiles is dead. Hughes also wrote the first and third Vacation movies. And Ferris Beuller's Day Off was his too. So, yeah, basically the films that showed me how to vulgarly rage at both strangers and my family, and how easy it is to deceive those vain enough to assume positions of authority. So yeah I'll be wasted in the pool until further notice.

WWHD?

Most of the time I think Sammy Hagar is a goddamn bimbo but 100 days of the year, his lucky dumbshit routine is either tolerable or endearing. Those are the 100 days I listen to awesome Hagar tripe like 5150 (with ultra-populist Hagar classic "Hot Summer Nights," above), OU812, and at least one solo Hagar song not involving Eddie VH. Hagar deserves way more credit on HooM! especially since "Cabo Wabo" (the song, not the tequila, resort, barbeque sauce, restaurant, cruise ship, or clothing brand) is like my national anthem.

Vote on YOUR national anthem below uh and to the right. That's what Hagar would do.

AXL, YOU'VE GOT TA GIVE ... TO LIVE.

No matter how shitty you find Chinese Democracy (I give it 3 out of 5 turds), it simply must be better than Chickenfoot's debut record. If a Hagar-Anthony-Satriani-Smith project is in any way superior to uh well anything, the world would change shape. And I'd go skittering of the edge of the oval earth. This national shame is a lesson that Best Buy can indeed break a shitty record if so inclined. GNR's display was the size of two stacked suitcases; meanwhile, that wrinkly claw peace sign is wrapped around even the store's security detector thingys. Sammy's pearlies plastered everywhere. Man I did an aboutface right fucking out the door.

The positive thing is that as a result Van Halen is officially challenged to top Dickinbutt. I'm sure Lord David Lee recognizes this, but Eddie's energy is committed to Van Halen bassist FattyDingDongs, to his new wife !shudder!, and to tangling with Nike's legal armada. A company can't openly enslave 10-year olds for three decades without super lawyers, Ed. Get to the studio, rummy.

UNVITATION TO LOVE

Like most Metal guys who act all belligerent, I love Love and relish the excuse to play the big gooey romantic occasionally. That’s not to say I don’t feel chump-ish penning lovey birthday cards or quoting Rimbaud while pouring champagne, but worse crimes have been perpetrated in the name of possibly maybe potentially getting a blowjob at the movies. Or naked ping pong. The sky’s the limit.

So anyway, I blew all my goddamn money on a fancy gift (rhymes with ShmyShmod) but before I could give it to my girlfriend while unzipping my pants suggestively, her rat-bastard cock-blocking friends beat me to the punch. Foiled! Now she has two fucking iPods, one for each record she owns. Which reminds me -- I even loaded up the motherfucker with good tunes before painstakingly repacking it like new. Y’know, so she wouldn’t have to chase down all those hard-to-find Van Halen records herself.

Speaking of Van Halen, they are a band according to guitarist Eddie Van Halen. Let's spare ourselves the world's flimsiest press release copy (by EVH's future wife) and get to the info. Ed tells AOL's Spinner.com:

Dave, Wolfie, Alex and I are a band. I hope that after Janie and I get married and Wolfie graduates [from high school] that we sit down and discuss recording new music, which I have tons of. If Dave's up for singing ... then do another tour, and just see where it takes us. Actually, next week or the week after, Wolfie, Alex, and I are gonna start jamming. Maybe we'll give Dave a call and see what he's up to. He's off, always doing his own thing, and he checks in every now and then to see how we're doing.

Ha maybe he'll invite Dave to the sessions. Feel the love folks, cuz this is about as warm as EVH gets with regards to DLR. It's not like Dave needs to watch them jam; the singer usually just sits there while the song gets worked out anyway. It's the thought that counts. The back-handed, belittling, arrogant thought. 

DIME, DAVE, RAY: OH MY GAAAWWWWD

My Monday crawled by due to lotsa Dime-related pouting. After whaling on Jeopardy, I got the sense that the late, great axeman wouldn't want me to just throw the whole day away. But what could turn my frown upside down? It was then that I remembered Dime's last words on that awful night four years ago, and on every night before taking the stage: Van Halen! Honestly, can any human resist a smile when David Lee Roth does his thang (above, with a little Michael Anthony)? 

Which got me thinking about the trio of splendid summer evenings I've spent front and center at orgiastic DLR shows. At the most recent gig, Dave's mood turned foul and venomous in a hurry thanks to newly-enlisted drummer Jimmy DeGrasso (Megadeth, Alice Cooper). DeGrasso rips but, oddly, is apparently the only fucking dude on earth not DNA familiar with classic Van Halen cuts; I'm no drummer yet could play those songs with my asscheeks, and my entire lower torso has been high since Reagan. 

DeGrasso wouldn't have been there if not for Ray Luzier, who left DLR's band to join the DeLeo brothers (STP) and Filter mainman Richard Patrick in Army Of Anyone (and now, Korn). But twice prior to his departure, Luzier thrilled me behind Dave with his hyper-energetic and singular playing; when AOA's record came out I felt a bit of weird pride at being a fan of each of the short-lived supergroup's members. But that's the power of Van Halen, and all those they've touched. Anyway, if that hi-larious "H4T" action doesn't do the trick, check out Luzier outplaying those other three guys (below). Van Halen!

MIGHT AS WELL JUMP UP AND DOWN ON EDDIE'S FACE

'HE WAS GETTING IN MY SHOT': The Eat 'Em And Smile Tour comes to an abrupt halt one night in 1986 when David Lee Roth crushes his teeny guitarist on stage.

Happy 54th Birthday Diamond David Lee Roth! Too bad Eddie already gave Ol' Number One his present: an enormous pain-in-the-ass in form of his new financee/VH publicist Janie Liszewski. We at HooM! are pricing these to counter Ed's gift, like when one friend got me a stripper and another left two condoms in the alley behind his house. Note: Don't staple condoms to a sleeping bum. It causes potentially-catastrophic punctures to latex and bum alike. If she and I hadn't blasted tons of crack, I'd be a father by now. Shudder.

OH WHOA WHOA JANIE'S CASHIN' IN

Even though Eddie Van Halen has been upsetting me on a full-time basis since 1996, I'm not going to raise any fundamental objections to his pursuit of happiness. We all want a healthy, happy Van Halen (the band) and if a ill-conceived marriage for Van Halen (the guy) will ensure that then so be it. From People:

Van Halen, 53, proposed to his girlfriend/publicist Janie Liszewski, 38, on Aug. 4 while they were vacationing in Hawaii. The rock guitarist dropped to one knee and popped the question in a private room at Tiffany's, a source close to the couple tells People. The couple plan to wed next June. 

Yikes. I'm fairly certain Ed hasn't laughed in a while, but he has seen This Is Spinal Tap, right? How long until Liszewski starts dressing the band as zodiac signs? It must be true love, since she's 38 and even cracked-out Ed could pull some younger tail to keep him company, but here's a tip from your pals at HooM! -- Don't marry someone with direct access to the media, especially if you're batshit insane. Liszewski already sold the exclusive on the proposal to People for the love of Jeff; stay tuned to HooM! as we bid on the break-up/out-of-the-closet/divorce settlement exclusive.