HOOM! LIVE FROM THE BLACK CARPET

It kinda bummed me out last week when anti-Metal slag Sharon Osbourne was briefly and reluctantly lauded for defending her family's um non-traditional image as druggies. This is kinda like how idiots proclaimed Osbourne a tough, independent woman after her assault on someone who dared to return her insults. 

Here, Sharon diverts from the fact that she's exploited her family's pathetic (except Ozzy you're the king, buddy) substance problems to further the Osbourne brand. Sharon's slick like that, and being aware that her family is interesting for no other reason, she goes all Senate Floor with some self-righteous non-answer about the disease against which the Osbournes are battling. In public. In exchange for money. To think, until now I couldn't figure out why Patrick Swayze's new show is called Swayze: Dirty Dancing In My Pancreas.

I wonder if Osbourne is smarting about the death of Ozzfest and, more recently, the fact that 16 Fox affiliates aren't picking up Osbournes: Reloaded and an additional 10 stations bury it at late night slots against Baywatch reruns. I'll have to find out on Tuesday, when HooM! reports on location at the big Metal awards event (above) for the awesomes at MetalSucks. 

THERE WERE NO BIBLES PRESENT

Let's all agree that Christian bands are totally bullshit. Some of Metal's greatest records spewed from Jesus-lovers, but at least they had the good sense to shut the fuck up about it. Meanwhile, dorky god bands get their toehold in the industry by working over ignorant religious types at those creepy, backwater festivals and populating the shelves of Christian bookstores until, of course, it's time to crossover, at which time the band starts to distance themselves from churching, saying how they don't think of themselves as a religious band. 

I tolerate a few prayer-humper bands (Believer), but the only outfit I'll defend with fists is He Is Legend, whose many, many lyrical crimes and pussy-ass emoisms were overpowered by killer production (by Killswish Engage's Adam Dukeoiusiugqitz) and hooks to die on the cross throughout slick first LP I Am Hollywood. Gooood shit. (Fans will screech that HIL is not and never was a Christian band, but come on. Like strippers and coke dealers, you don't get that reputation accidentally.)

So imagine my surprise when on their tour for underachieving sophomore outing Suck Out The Poison, I turned up to an extremely not-packed HIL gig bracing for shiny bangs, lip piercings, and complicated T-shirts (here) only to be met with the haggard, biker-ish, rock 'n roll boozers of HIL phase II (above). Even though the mix on SUTP um sucks horsedicks (Steve Evetts what happened dude?), they totally force the Southern rock angle, and singer Schuylar Croom (seriously?) scrapped his awesome whiny voice for an ear-unfriendly rasp, they ripped shit up that night. Seriously. Praise the lord. Uh the lame one.

 

DON'T SHOW US YOUR P***Y

As Vulgarity Week rages on, let's consider HooM! the Bill Hicks or Lenny Bruce of pointless internet blathering. Ya know, with all the swearing and wild paranoia and hysteria (oh can you feel it?). Other chickenshit internet sellouts mute their vitriol with the pussyish shortening to F of our most holy of curses and by using acronyms like POS (piece of shit) or ATMBSTJEFMPIHP (A twelve-man Brazilian soccer team just emerged from Madonna's pussy I have pictures). 

That really sticks in my self-righteous craw, as these very same sites peddle morally gray images of whatever the hell that is under Britney Spears' skirt. Which is awesome, but what's wrong with a little coarse language compared to large-as-life pics of a nude Amy Winehouse asleep with a crackpipe searing an O into her fupa? 

Well, I guess it's all a rich tapestry of profanity so let's call a truce with this awesome Slayer clip (above) that the whole filth-loving family can enjoy. 

CRISTINA SCABBIA SAID 'ANAL'

About halfway through a recent interview with Lacuna Coil vocalist Cristina Scabbia, I was wracked with pity for the ravishing Italian rocker. I mean, I'm a consummate professional, so only occasionally did I break down and beg her to send me her underwear but man, what she must be forced to endure from less disciplined interviewers. She greeted me by name, answered patiently and attentively, and thanked me upon our talk's conclusion -- all with the firm and unassailable knowledge that I would gloat to my friends that she wanted me and concoct horseshit stories of our imminent coupling. Ah the burden of hotness, awesomeness, and a killer voice.  

Jog over to MetalSucks to read the interview, which got much shorter once Axl edited out the panting. 

DALLAS COYLE GET BACK TO WORRRRRRRK!

I know that the cosmos supports HooM! in our spiritual quest for unhindered internet profanity, since it's only goddamn Tuesday and yet there is plenty about which to swear irately. Like fucking God Forbid founding guitarist Dallas Coyle quitting the band less than two months after the release of Earthsblood, their fifth album. Which makes no sense. The understandably fratricidal Doc Coyle states:

It's true that Dallas has left the band. It's taken us a few days to confirm this definitely, and figure out what we were going to do considering the fact that we are starting a very important tour with Lamb Of God this week.

All I can say is that there was a mutual disagreement between Dallas and I, and the disagreement became angry on both sides, and he decided to sit out the tour the day we were supposed to leave. We later learned he did not want to tour anymore at all. Everyone in the band, including myself, was upset and shocked. 

For me, it's a lot tougher because he's my brother and I have a very close bond with him. We've done everything together our whole lives, so it's difficult to deal with emotionally, but I understand he has bigger responsibilities at home to care for. I wish he would've handled it in a different way, but I am not angry at him for leaving if he is unhappy with our situation. I really hope he finds success and happiness in his future pursuits.

In the meantime, we've recruited ex-Darkest Hour shredder Kris Norris to fill in for the tour. I look forward to playing with him, and I'm sure he will knock it out the park! Byron and I will pick up the slack with the vocals as much as we can.

Metal people, don't panic, I'm often brought in to mediate biblical schisms like this Coyle-Coyle split. Yeah I'm the one who got REO Speedwagon back together. Don't thank me now. My phone hasn't rung yet, except from those rat bastards at AT&T, but I'll go ahead and get started by ordering Dallas back into that band. This whole thing is pure nonsense. Next thing you're gonna tell me that mustard has just quit my sandwich.