WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

Metal people, do you love wanky solo guitar music by Steve Vai, Buckethead, and John 5? Well, by extension, obnoxious R&B singers like Monica, Brandy, and Mariah Carey should be your cuppatea. You see, there two disparate breeds of music fans should -- nay, must come together to form a Metal-R&B Mutual Appreciation Front to smash hipster bullshit like jazz and indie rock. 

Don't laugh: Both guitar and singing virtuosos tend to place creativity and flawless execution above taste, judicious editing, and humanness. Both are acquired tastes, though I challenge any human to resist loving Chris Poland's magnificent Return To Metalopolis. Tasteful, technically outrageous, and addictive, Poland finds a counterpart in R&B's Ciara ("Oh," "So What" w/Field Mob). Unlike Poland, Ciara wisely did us all the favor of posing butt-ass in Vibe this month. It's a wise move; I often get distracted from the music while mentally undressing women singers. Ciara's helping to conserve brain power. 

Available In Exchange For Money: June 10 Edition

As a highly successful music journalist, one is granted certain, er, extra-societal privileges. Freeloading. Malodorousness. And, the oft-abused right to thunder down from the heavens with The Grand Pronouncement, where we make some roundly implausible claim for your own buttfucking good, you Bob Dylan-hating jerk! Drunk guys often attempt The Grand Pronouncement -- beware of that bizarre strain of vehement Dave Matthews Band apologist -- but please, good people, leave it to the professionals. Here's a free GP for you on this new release Tuesday, which sees releases from non-Metal (not un-Metal) bands Supergrass, Sloan, and The Charlatans UK. 

Supergrass, Sloan, and The Charlatans UK are three really, REALLY, suuuuper under-appreciated bands. Assassins with a melody. Grooves at surgical levels of precision. Great hair. Wildly rad new albums out today. You are welcome. 

Metal CDs Available In Exchange For Money: June 10

Nachtmystium

Assassins: Black Meddle, Pt 1

(Century Media)

Not everything from Chicago is depressing (Static-X, Oprah) or fucktardedly pretentious (Billy Corgan, Wilco) or stupid as hell (that tampon at the Amtrak desk in Union Station, pretty much everybody else). Nachtmystium is awesome.

Buckethead

From The Coop

(MVD)

Buckethead scared the shit outta me the other night. Surprisingly, my fright had no origin in the fact that he's a tall, skinny dude who wears an assfucking kabuki mask and KFC carton on his head while absolutely whaling on a guitar; I'm cool with that now even though it's the scariest thing in the world for the love of god. And it's alright with everybody that he released a 13-disc set in February. What I'm not cool with, however, is Buckethead headlining Friday night of drink-and-punch street festivals in awful,stinky, broke-ass pit of hell Milwaukee, Chicago's retarded step-sister. 'Yeah bud! Rip it up, ya freek! Hey, Murph! I thought you said we were going to Buckhead. What? Yes! I am going straight out first thing Tuesday to buy the finally-released collection of unholy playing from when this guitartian was just 16. Ohhhh shit, player.'