HEY LADIES!

Wrapping HooM!'s total coverage of the 2009 NAMM convention, we present video of Steve Vai blathering about some amp he designed man get a load of those alien fingers. When I saw Vai live, he was a totally nice, normal, pretentious guitar guy at the meet-and-greet before donning a long coat, setting up some industrial fans, and wanking without pity for 170 minutes on stage. Yeah it was great. 

Ok so Vai's a nerd big deal. But for stratospheric nerd ratings, get a load of the sexy fusion-metal band formed by two not-Paul Masvidal guys from Cynic and Textures drummer Stef Broks. From a press release via Blabbermouth:

With a jazz fusion backbone, Exivious uses freaky metal riffs to decorate their organic eruption of free improvisations and complex rhythms. Guitarist Tymon comments: "We finally managed to transform a vision I had a long time ago into nine intense and fiery songs. There's an immense amount of information in there that will definitely take more than one spin in your CD player to comprehend!" The band will release its debut album independently to preserve 100% creative freedom. 

CD player? Whoa there, gramps. Come join us in 2009. But seriously, tell us more about this vision of yours, Tymon. Does it include 12 guys with ponytails in a basement club? A tour with Liquid Tension Experiment? Special post-show music theory discussions? The occasional Cairo shirt? Guys, let me say, that shit is HOT! Especially the band name Exivious. More like SEXivious oh yeah. And we at HooM! applaud your hardline stance on distributing independently to prevent record industry meddling. Just like those pesky naked women who interfere with my jerking off. It's called integrity, ladies. 

I'M SORRY BUT I'M AFRAID YOU CAN'T COME

Every year when the goofy NAMM convention rolls around, I get kinda baffled as to why this shit isn't open to the general public. True, the event's nerd levels are already intoxicatingly high, what with all those gearheads and salesmen and shills and unplayable instruments (above, Tony Levin nerrrrrd!) packing Anaheim Convention Center. So what's the difference if a few thousand more dorky ball-sweaters join in the fun, like at those comics and video games shindigs? Instead, the public is bombarded with press releases covering clinics and signings to which we are not invited. I'm not in the musical instrument retail industry (thank god) but just look at this Ibanez booth roster, man!

Friday, January 16:

Dino Cazares (Divine Heresy, Asesino, ex-Fear Factory, enormous ass)

Muhammed Suicmez (Necrophagist)

Matt Bachand (Shadows Fall)

Chris Broderick (Megadeth)

Steve Vai (full-length leather coat enthusiast)

Omar Rodriguez-Lopez (The Mars Volta)

Pablo Hinojos-Gonzalez (The Mars Volta)

Paul Gilbert (Mr. Big, Racer X)

Andy Timmons

Peter Iwers (In Flames)

Paul Romanko (Shadows Fall)

Fieldy (Korn)

Saturday, January 17:

Herman Li (Dragonforce)

Sam Totman (Dragonforce)

Mick Thomson (Slipknot)

Joe Satriani (Suing Coldplay)

Just think, I could wear out my voice on Friday jeering Andy Timmons (he's from Danger Danger right?) and Peter Iwers while getting a second shot at asking Vai all my Slip of the Tongue questions and humping the leg of the Necrophagist guy. Bachand (thanks for the beer tokens dude) and Gilbert (International House of Cereals) are national treasures so I'd lurk at a safe distance wherever they decided to drink post-app. Leaving plenty of time to wake up early on Saturday to egg the Dragonforce guys. P.S. Omar from The Mars Volta plays Ibanez? Um not unless they comped him a guitar made of crack ZING!

METAL WALKS AMONG US

I won't wear out your eyes with more flimsy insistence that R&B wailers like Monica, Brandy, and Mariah Carey are to non-Metal what Tommy Baron (Coroner), Dave Murray (Iron Maiden), and Steve Vai (Whitesnake) are to Metal: mind-blowing virtuosos who elevate even the most mundane material to soaring heights with their skills. But briefly: Monica is the most powerful and stirring singer, though as a second tier seller is privy only to tracks passed over by the diamond acts; so her uneven records waste jaw-dropping performances (Baron/Coroner). Brandy, meanwhile, has the best voice and packs her tight, virtually filler-free albums with mega-engrossing melodies and occasionally hideous lyrics (Murray/Maiden). Mariah is pure technique, possibly the most mechanically mind-blowing singer since what's-her-name who cameoed in The Blues Brothers. If you can stand all that goddamn squealing (Vai/Whitesnake).

If virtuosity is Metal, then Brandy is double-Metal because "I Tried" (above) from her 2004 outing Afrodisiac (ugh) is built on a killer sample taken from a legendary Metal band. Are you Metal enough to spot it? Answer next week in HooM! Google it if you're gay.

WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

Metal people, do you love wanky solo guitar music by Steve Vai, Buckethead, and John 5? Well, by extension, obnoxious R&B singers like Monica, Brandy, and Mariah Carey should be your cuppatea. You see, there two disparate breeds of music fans should -- nay, must come together to form a Metal-R&B Mutual Appreciation Front to smash hipster bullshit like jazz and indie rock. 

Don't laugh: Both guitar and singing virtuosos tend to place creativity and flawless execution above taste, judicious editing, and humanness. Both are acquired tastes, though I challenge any human to resist loving Chris Poland's magnificent Return To Metalopolis. Tasteful, technically outrageous, and addictive, Poland finds a counterpart in R&B's Ciara ("Oh," "So What" w/Field Mob). Unlike Poland, Ciara wisely did us all the favor of posing butt-ass in Vibe this month. It's a wise move; I often get distracted from the music while mentally undressing women singers. Ciara's helping to conserve brain power.