STRATEGIC METAL BANGING

As a pitiless social climber, I'm totally psyched that Metal dudes are marrying into positions of power lately. I mean, what a score for our side that THE Nic Cage's son is flying our flag; just imagine all the converts he's won. (Or just look at them here.) And now some deathbanger is up in Jim Carrey spawn, who is thrice as likely to become a famous (her dad is famous) and a public Metal booster (her dad is Metal). Hey remember when Cannibal Corpse cameoed in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective and they were credited as Cannibal Corpses. That was awesome.

Oh but then there's the new 'guitarist' of Queensryche, who tied the knot to singer Geoff Tate's daughter and has thus been drafted into the touring band at scale. It's called Tate's I Literally Constructed A Vagina For You To Fuck tax. You'd think it'd be tough to concentrate on the sub-retard lyrics of "Hand On Heart" when suddenly comes a whiff of vaguely familiar poon. Waaaaait a second! That's Tate family poon! Why I outta!

GOD FORBID IS THE CURE FOR A BROKEN HEART, BONER

For a second there, I was too gutted by early exits from the Australian Open for both Jelena "Weird Jel" Jankovic and Ana Ivanovic (above) to continue tittering in anticipation for late winter/early spring Metal new releases. The super-foxes of tennis were seeded 1 and 3, respectively, so I'd been banking on at least another few days of hot, sweaty grunting I mean world-class athleticism.  

But again Metal comes to the rescue for angry cock-blockees like me: As described by the band, the forthcoming Mastodon album sounds like a reimagining of the Genesis masterpiece The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway; everything we've heard from Wrath indicates that Lamb Of God is meaner, more confident, better-produced than ever (wow); shit, even the new Cannibal Corpse (streaming here) is terrif. Never thought I'd say that. Cool.

And yesterday, God Forbid made like a tipsy bridesmaid and flashed us some pre-hookup boob from Earthsblood, their initially worrying but now extremely exciting fifth album. Called "Walk Alone" (below), it's pretty hard-rockin' and may be a love song. Just sayin'.