METALLICA'S STAGE RAGE

Now look it's obvious that this rumored Big Four tour would be radness but troubling is the fact that Metallica currently performs on a dumbshit stage for assholes. I wouldn't even know that, but shoot me I just wanted to check out our Doc Coyle joining Lamb Of God in Mark Morton's stead on the current leg of the Metallica global cash removal operation. But holy shit in the above footage I could hardly locate the God Forbid shredder on the barren, black hole of a stage. See this diva shit is why Lars can't be in charge of anything, let alone of the Big Forehead tour. Ok from the crowd's point of view the stage reeks cuz to every seat, only one bandmember is really in your view and it's basically awkward as shit. If it spins look out cuz that's why I barfed at Def Leppard in the round; well that and shirtless Phil Collen cough. The monitor situation must be clusterfuckdom too and wow how alien it must be to face opposite directions as your bandmates, like sitting backwards on the train. And while we're on the subject get Testament on the Big Foreskin Tour, or we'll be punished again with grunge. I mean it's your life. I guess some of us just don't want to go through that again.

I BET SHE GIVES MACHINE HEAD

White Lion - New Music - More Music Videos

My friends jokingly call Robb Flynn's post-Vio-lence band by the name Head Machine, after that weird guy in downtown Minneapolis who rocked really loud-colored suits and like quintuple espressos but whose occupation it was rumored was rocking dudes in public bathrooms. That's indicative of our esteem for Machine Head, being as they are traitors to Metal led by one of earth's foremost jockstraps. And though the inexplicably revered suckpile is leagues better than Limp B whoa I can't even type it. Sorry, anyway Flynn, Professor Faintypants, and the other two do not have the juice to refuse to play before -- not open for shut up it's not the same -- Durst & the Turdlets at Sonisphere. Now, Lamb of God on the other hand. Guitarist Willie Adler explains the Sonisphere beef:

The guys in Machine Head just didn't wanna open up for Limp B****t, and I agree with them. I wouldn't wanna open up for Limp B****t! They've been out of the scene for so long, I mean, who cares? Who cares about Limp B****t?

Fuck those dudes! Fuck that band, and fuck all the people who work for that fuckin' band!

In other news, isn't that an awesome solo in "Lil' Fighter" by White Lion (above)?

YOU WIN THIS ROUND, DOLVING

It's always surprised me how little The Haunted interests me despite consisting of the best parts of At The Gates. Ah the mysteries of life. As a big fat blowhard, I do admire Haunted frontman Peter Dolving, who uses the internet to unburden himself of wackjob opinions and to engage in mindless bickering with comment jockeys. In other words, we lead the same life, except that he tours the world playing mediocre Slayercore and I tour Los Angeles County taking mediocre drugs. So we're all good. 

In an apparent search for cheap publicity, Dolving recently took some cheap shots at those dispicable bastards in Lamb Of God, charlatans that they undoubtedly are. Dolving states to no one in particular:

You could go out and see any of a number of bands in the next four weeks. The big one this time around out there being the Lamb Of God tour. Which will according to business-planned management crawl itself around the North Americas for the next year and a half or so like a big snake. 

You could dig that shit and think ‘Holy mutherfucking hell! That shit rocks!’ or you could go and see the Haunted once and for all prove what metal is all about. But only if you want to have a good time. Only if you want to feel alive. Only if you like that feeling of actually realizing everything is not fucked utterly and beyond belief. 

But I guess if you are a sad, self-pitying son of a bitch you won’t go. Oh what the hell, really, don’t go. Most of those who read this don’t really give a shit anyway do you? You’d rather stay in a saline filled tank fed intravenously with a constant intake of whatever, whoever carries the biggest gun and wad of dollars has to say wants to feed you.

Well my eyes have been opened. Pfft Lamb Of God. What a bunch of fucking scumbags. Totally corporate. And fuck us Metal people for willfully and blindly being on the receiving end of the greatest sham ever perpetrated on the American public. You read that right: Ever. All of us, enslaved by those greedy, gutless swine Lamb of God. It's that rotten Randy Blythe and his powers (above). I pity those whom Dolving is planning to dethrone next. How about mini-skirts. Or cookies. Those things have been ripping us off for years. Lamb of God out of Metal!

TODAY IS THE DAY

The Metal Inquisition guys are inviting screaming sword attacks with the latest installment of  Metal Real Estate, their Pulitizer-winning investigative series*. Entertaining like a bloody car wreck, MRE has already peeled back the curtain to reveal modest to underwhelming lifestyles of Glenn Danzig and Anthrax's Joey Belladonna (ne Bellardini giggle). Then last week, MI obliterated any myth surrounding the lives of those cursed souls in Manowar (above, hey what's going on over there?), the ahem kings of metal, who, as it's twice iterated by MI's Lucho Metales, you'd think would have enough German festival money to move out of their parents' basement and quit that dry-walling gig. You'd think so, right? And you'd be wrong!

At risk of being a total asshole, I'll say that Manowar's financial standing is about proportionate to their musical skills. And jebus these guys had all of the '80s, when Metal made money, to set the foundations of wealth. (Is it possible they blew it all on furry underwear and tanning oil?) 

Conversely, awesome bands like Lamb of God and God Forbid are hitting their creative peaks in the era of illegal downloading and economic misery. But we shan't let the fate of Manowar befall LoG or GF, whose new records come out today. Let's start by toppling that awful, sexy Taylor Swift and the Grammy-bumped Alison Krauss/Robert Plant from atop the albums chart -- and installing real Metal royalty in their stead. mmGO!

 

*Not true

SOUNDING UNGRATEFUL

If you haven't already downloaded the cracking new Lamb Of God record Wrath like the thieving screwfuck you are, then be happy that the full record streams here. Yep. On their myspace page. Which ensures sound quality suggestive of a dime-sized speaker blaring from the depths of your obese seventh-grade teacher's ass. Turn it up! Oh wait I mean down. 

THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF OUR LIVES

As a social retard (and usually a mental one as well stupid vicodin), I find that an easy way to effectively simulate person-to-person interaction is to postulate on pet theories and analogies. That way the give-and-take of a conversation is absent; it's more like you're talking in front of people. Sorry but small talk is fuck king bore ring, dude, so to some extent, I think normal people do this as well. Only they rant about business, politics, or non-Lakers sports. Snore.

One of my stand-bys lately is neo-Thrash metal, its significance, and its awesomeness. The trouble, I say with a spray of Dorito shrapnel, is that records from Municipal Waste and Warbringer are boffo socko, but more than anything, it's my hope that some gifted band will light the fire in me not of the balls-out punkishness of early Thrash, but the soul-stirring, life-justifying Phase II Thrash. 

That's a tall order, as the complexity and shit let's call it vibe of State of Euphoria, Rust In Peace, and Practice What You Preach will never be duplicated (duh). What I'm dying for is the next volume in that series. Now, I'm not trying to turn back time; Metal has evolved too much to convincingly justify a return to a sound with no traces of post-Pantera Metal. But is there no band who'll pick up the torch and run it the next length of track? Can't there be another record to achieve that distinct pitch, the combination of individualism, disgust, musicianship, songcraft, and satire? 

It appears that my new go-to conversation-ender will be the Lakers adjusting to Bynum's injury, cuz Lamb of God just closed the door on my quest for a Thrash classic after 1992. Time will tell if Wrath truly stands besides the classics of Phase II Thrash, but as of this moment, if you strip away its innumerable artificial harmonics with squealing vibrato (or pings, raised to predominance in rhythm guitar parts by Dime and Zakk Wylde), and allow for groove-based vibes and ok fine the flat-fifth Piggy chord so frequently abused by Dillinger Escape Plan, gasp, what we have here with Wrath is the long-awaited first installment of Phase III Thrash Metal. The melody, the atmosphere, the lyrics, the reiteration of themes, the chords (holy fuck I'm so sick of single-note riffs!), the attitude, the virtuosity, the completeness. A gold medal, a ten, a MASTERPIECE. 

LAMB OF GODDAMN IT ANYWAY

I'm a connected guy in the music industry, so I knew that if I indiscriminately HJ'ed all of my contacts that eventually somebody would furnish me with an advance of the new Lamb of God record, Wrath. Well, my right hand is leathered and claw-like -- and my lotion budget exploded by 300% -- but it was worth it! Wrath is wrath-ical! Ha holy shit I'm good. 

But I feel like a dickhole cuz the title (and only the title) of Wrath's fifth track "Fake Messiah" totally reminded me of "Fake Healer" (above), the thunderous opening track on Metal Church's boffo Blessing In Disguise record (Terry Date y'all). Which got me pondering Golden Age Thrash Metal bands' love of semi-informed socio-political commentary, a topic best covered by the Metal Inquisition guys. Suffice it to say EVERY Thrash band had a song about fraudulent religious figures (Ozzy/"Miracle Man"; Anthrax/"Make Me Laugh"; Suicidal Tendencies/"Send Me Your Money"; ad infinitum). 

But anyway, I didn't pay attention to the entire second half of Wrath as I tearfully followed the unfortunate arc of Metal Church's non-career on All Music Guide and recalled my years as an impressionable youth who considered a community of pimply heshers the authority on social responsibility. Way to depress the shit outta me, Lamb of God. 

GOD FORBID IS THE CURE FOR A BROKEN HEART, BONER

For a second there, I was too gutted by early exits from the Australian Open for both Jelena "Weird Jel" Jankovic and Ana Ivanovic (above) to continue tittering in anticipation for late winter/early spring Metal new releases. The super-foxes of tennis were seeded 1 and 3, respectively, so I'd been banking on at least another few days of hot, sweaty grunting I mean world-class athleticism.  

But again Metal comes to the rescue for angry cock-blockees like me: As described by the band, the forthcoming Mastodon album sounds like a reimagining of the Genesis masterpiece The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway; everything we've heard from Wrath indicates that Lamb Of God is meaner, more confident, better-produced than ever (wow); shit, even the new Cannibal Corpse (streaming here) is terrif. Never thought I'd say that. Cool.

And yesterday, God Forbid made like a tipsy bridesmaid and flashed us some pre-hookup boob from Earthsblood, their initially worrying but now extremely exciting fifth album. Called "Walk Alone" (below), it's pretty hard-rockin' and may be a love song. Just sayin'.

NEW LAMB OF GOD SINGLE: SWISH!!!!!

Man I don't use the word cherish very often but hey I absolutely cherish the moment when a promising band drops an album or song or something that elevates them to extremely awesome. Such is Lamb of God's 2006 album Sacrament, the Virginia quintet's classic of spidery, hyper-catchy post-thrash. Sacrament's best moments helped make 2006 a historic Metal year, but the fact that LoG still fought occasional bouts of random riffage and stiff production just made my eyes bug as I considered that, though awesomely outrageous, Sacrament wouldn't be their best album for long. A masterpiece? Yes. A perfect album? No! So if LoG stayed hungry (and/or felt the fire), I reasoned, then their sixth record (now determined to be Wrath, out Feb. 24) would be boner-breaking ridiculous. You can just tell they have it in them.

Natch there's the concern that it's just as common for bands to wimp out a bit and rehash and regurgitate, especially after landing among the elite of a genre as LoG has. But holy shitballs check out the new Lamb of God tune "Set To Fail" streaming here. I saaaaid check it out! Oooh steaky guitar tone (awesome solo too)! The drums don't sound like DrumBot1995! Terrific chorus! VICTORY!

So everybody get out your wallets and let's propel Wrath and God Forbid's Earthsblood (also out Feb 24) to the top spots on the album chart at February's end. By my count, it'd take about 50,000 sold of each. No sweat! You'd only spend that $30 on beer and gum anyway. METAL!

THE MEN OF SHADOWS FALL ARE YOUR BABY TONIGHT

Hey who among us isn't beaming with pride as the economy tanks yet Metal is stepping up with mind-mangling tours one after another? The people of Metal seem to have exchanged shrugs and glances, deciding that illegal downloading or not, recording industry mismanagement or not, wave of unemployment and despair or not, the best medicine is loud Metal by the ton. If your head has been up your ass all month, observe:

Tours in progress:

• Soilwork with Darkane, Warbringer, Swallow The Sun

• As I Lay Dying with Protest The Hero, The Human Abstract, My Children My Bride

• Cradle of Filth with Satyricon, Septicflesh
  

Tours upcoming:

• Meshuggah with Cynic, The Faceless

• Lamb Of God with As I Lay Dying, Children of Bodom, God Forbid/Municipal Waste

• D*******d with Killswitch Engage, Lacuna Coil, Chimaira

• The Haunted with Nachtmystium, Kylesa, Intronaut

• Kreator with Exodus, Belphegor, Warbringer, Epicurean

As you can see, that'sa soma espicy meataballsa. Though for the life of me I can NOT see how God Forbid is opening that Lamb of God tour. And only half of it? Does AILD sell lotsa records or something? In HooM!World, it's a LoG/GF co-headline tour all the way. Huh. 

Anyway, SoCal Metal people get even more awesomeness as Shadows Fall (above, rrrrrar) is slated to play a surprise show in Fullerton TONIGHT for FREE to the first 200 people. SF is kinda like Living Colour to me: a top-notch bunch of players and 100% super-happy-Tom-Cruise-blue-jeans dudes, but a great album has thus far eluded them. With every day there's fresh hope. And hope for freshness. 

PRIVY TO ALL THE NEW SHIT

Between the new One Man Army & The Undead Quartet record Grim Tales (scintillating new tour video here, with cameos from cuddly tourmates Krisiun) and Brandy's post-manslaughter outing Human, we at HooM! have full plates of new shit to rock (not to mix metaphors) even without the handful of killer new songs now bringing the Metalnet to full flame. But does anybody else subconsciously avoid new songs in favor of new albums? A.) One or two news songs from a hotly-anticipated record never satisfy, though advance songs from predicted duds can surprise ya (I played the holy christing fuck out of this gem). B.) Weeks/months later, the record comes out and you've already experienced some of it, making for an uneven listen. There's no pleasing some people.

• The brilliant God Forbid's "The Rain" does not sound like Shadows Fall, like that first previewed Earthsblood track "Year of the Gun". Out Feb 24.

• Lamb Of God goes monster on this shitty-sounding/pretty-looking live clip of "Overhauled" from Wrath. Out Feb 24.

• Post-Max Sepultura is criminally underrated, as evidenced by these two grimy killers from A-LEX, their ahem concept album based on A Clockwork Orange. Out Jan 27.

• Enslaved is breaking hearts (figuratively) with their hot beards and (slightly less figuratively) last week's tour postponement, but wowsers check out their new video for "The Watcher." It's crispy and cloudy, just like the mind-mangling album from whence it comes, Vertebrae. Out now. 

Man, round-ups are boring as whaleshit. 

BURNS VERKAUFEN DER KREATOR

I can't seem to keep my face out of Mastodon's pants lately; and only to a microscopically lesser extent is Lamb Of God's 2009 effort Wrath causing my wang to go all tingly. What fun. Anticipation is truly my favorite of the eight basic human emotions. Like when not one but two comely young ladies had set their sights on my bod a few years back. Unwilling to deprive either of well me (that's abuse), I partied with each on separate sides of town. Ha that was a busy couple weeks hooray for me. Anyway, not to get all Disney, but I learned an important lesson about instant gratification and shallowness. I got all wrapped up in the two flashy chicks -- one a sleek downtowner, one a suburban tomato -- while a third, and possibly greater, romantic option slipped away undetected. Just like in those Drew Barrymore movies.

It almost happened again until Metal Injection slapped my boner away from the ever-moistening holes of Lamb Of God and Mastodon with this link to brand new Kreator song "Warcurse" from early-2009 release Hordes Of Chaos. It ripppps crank it!

THE AUDACITY OF HOPE (FOR BETTER METAL)

I'm living proof that voting should be restricted to non-retards. After an entire evening spent in line breathing stale, stank air, it turns out I was without proper documentation to register. And so, I shamefully left the line mere feet from the voting booths after enduring two and a half hours of ceaseless bullshit from my linemates. What am I? a fucking idiot?

There is something I'm more than qualified to vote on, and that's next year's most anticipated Metal record (nice segue). Until late last week, God Forbid's forthcoming Earthsblood figured largely in my Metal plans for 2009, but the new song "Empire of the Gun" sounds like Shadows Fall. By which I mean 'overproduced,' 'generic,' and 'not heavy enough'. 

Meanwhile, Lamb Of God has announced Wrath, their fifthcoming forth album. Actually, flip those. While God Forbid has credited the silly, pointless movie There Will Be Blood with influencing their album title choice, one wonders if LOG watched Seven a bunch of times while recording Wrath. Or that Charlie Sheen movie. Oh wait that's The Wraith. And we all know Insane Clown Posse already did that!

But the most promising upcoming album honors belong to Mastodon (above). If ever asked to name an album as engaging and magical as Mastodon's 2006 outing Blood Mountain, I would pause thoughtfully and then reply between measured silences. "That's a great question, Frank. My answer would have to be ... Hounds of Love. The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway. Deloused In The Comatorium." Uh. I mean that's what I'd say if I were bearded HIPSTER SCUM! For real I'd say Streets. Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. Nothingface. And in all likelihood, Mastodon's upcoming Brendan O'Brien-produced album Crack The Skye. Bring that shit on!

LAMB OF GOD IS AWESOME

Lamb Of God has always ripped, but were pretty light on material until 2006's masterful Sacrament. Still, the album's hyper-precise production really undersells the band's skillz -- people, it's time to stop aping Pantera -- but hallelujah they are going with a producer not named for his lack of soul. From Blabbermouth: 

Richmond, Virginia-based metallers Lamb Of God have entered the studio with producer Josh Wilbur to begin recording the follow-up to their 2006 Grammy-nominated album Sacrament. The as-yet-untitled CD is scheduled for release in February 2009 through Epic Records in North America and Roadrunner in the rest of the world.

Josh Wilbur is well-known for his Grammy Award-winning work with American alternative/progressive country singer Steve Earl. 

Ok, I'm pretty sure the guy's name is spelled 'Steve Earle' but whatever. Whoever the hell Josh Wilbur is (he is clearly not 'well-known'), we can hope he's just pushing buttons. Like Mastodon, LoG is at the point where only a taskmaster-engineer is needed and the band can pocket producer's fees. Now blast this shit!