SLAP HIS TITS AND RUB YOUR BALLS ON HIS NOSE

This is news to me but apparently I have an unspeakable Dave Wyndorf problem cuz not only did I first credit the Monster Magnet frontman with a guest vocal on Nashville Pussy's latest record (belonging to Danko Jones), but today I also was willing to bet it was Dave again on Steel Panther's "Turn Out The Lights" (above). Which makes it extra disturbing that this time I mistook him for M Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold, the band currently atop American Metal's suckpile.

A close neighbor of theirs is Killswitch Engage and I officially give up resisting the urge to bitch about what is going on at MetalSucks' joyous 21 Best Metal Albums Of The 21st Century ... So Far. Here goes: Goddamn I can't stand Killswitch Engage. They're probably good at their shit, but their shit is the opposite of what I like about music in every respect, except for heavy guitars. Yep the five men of KsE only do one thing right and most of the credit for that goes to their amps and shit. So. For a while there I was secretly proud that my name was listed among some righteous co-voters at MS, though I suspect now we're all secretly ashamed of our collective awful taste. Is it time for the voter pool to devour itself with accusations and insinuations, shattering into a dozen goon-enforced factions? Will the controversy of two goddamn fucking KsE records in the top 6 culminate in carnage as representatives of each splinter group face each other in the fucking octagon? If so will Dallas and Doc Coyle find themselves on opposite sides? Will beards counteract my first strike clothesline capabilities?

DALLAS COYLE IS LIKE THE SUN/CHASING ALL OF THE RAIN AWAY

There's precious little gossip going around about the God Forbid situation, which finds founding guitarist Dallas Coyle precipitously departing the very band he formed in 1996 with his brother Doc. So it's been chewing me up inside; the shit is so damn Shakespearean. The other day, Dallas (sorry for first-naming) broke his silence in his MetalSucks column, but merely parroted a statement given earlier by Doc (sorry again). But there's a elephant in the closet or whatever that expression is. And that, friends, is the idea of his departure came right the fuck after God Forbid put out their well-hyped record, Earthsblood. The record that would not only be better than the bonerparty Constitution of Treason but successful as shit too. That's what the mood was; those who followed this album since it was titled TBA could sense that GF was gonna go all Lakers on Earthsblood, gunning for triumph in the shadow of a defeat last time around. Ok that last sentence mixed a few metaphors. 

You can see where this is going. What I'm all angling at like a chickenshit is that Earthsblood isn't very good. I confess I'm extremely not proud nor spiteful to be pointing that out. I've been really patient with this record. Or something cuz I again listened to it all day and came away even more certain that Earthsblood does not represent a progression from CoT. Don't email me to call me a dick cuz I'm calling myself one but it's a Shadows Fall record to me: a record that is vaguely, unnamably nowhere. But boxers get knocked out in the first round sometimes. Shit Chicago's Ben Gordon was like 6 for 84 against the Celtics on Tuesday. My garbage can headbutted me in the sack this very morning. We all brick. These things happen. 

Back to the Dallas thing. Focusing on the timing of events, do we not find it possible -- nay probable -- that Dallas' decision is intimately connected to the album, in one way or another? And if we make that ass(hole)umption, it's not a leap to the idea that he doesn't like the album. ????? I don't know though. He sounded pretty pumped about it. And the sales weren't bad bad. Not enough to justify his robbing us of hope for a rebound masterpiece. Just come back Dallas. We can change. It'll be different this time. Dalllaaaaasssssssss. 

DALLAS COYLE GET BACK TO WORRRRRRRK!

I know that the cosmos supports HooM! in our spiritual quest for unhindered internet profanity, since it's only goddamn Tuesday and yet there is plenty about which to swear irately. Like fucking God Forbid founding guitarist Dallas Coyle quitting the band less than two months after the release of Earthsblood, their fifth album. Which makes no sense. The understandably fratricidal Doc Coyle states:

It's true that Dallas has left the band. It's taken us a few days to confirm this definitely, and figure out what we were going to do considering the fact that we are starting a very important tour with Lamb Of God this week.

All I can say is that there was a mutual disagreement between Dallas and I, and the disagreement became angry on both sides, and he decided to sit out the tour the day we were supposed to leave. We later learned he did not want to tour anymore at all. Everyone in the band, including myself, was upset and shocked. 

For me, it's a lot tougher because he's my brother and I have a very close bond with him. We've done everything together our whole lives, so it's difficult to deal with emotionally, but I understand he has bigger responsibilities at home to care for. I wish he would've handled it in a different way, but I am not angry at him for leaving if he is unhappy with our situation. I really hope he finds success and happiness in his future pursuits.

In the meantime, we've recruited ex-Darkest Hour shredder Kris Norris to fill in for the tour. I look forward to playing with him, and I'm sure he will knock it out the park! Byron and I will pick up the slack with the vocals as much as we can.

Metal people, don't panic, I'm often brought in to mediate biblical schisms like this Coyle-Coyle split. Yeah I'm the one who got REO Speedwagon back together. Don't thank me now. My phone hasn't rung yet, except from those rat bastards at AT&T, but I'll go ahead and get started by ordering Dallas back into that band. This whole thing is pure nonsense. Next thing you're gonna tell me that mustard has just quit my sandwich.

WE SHALL SETTLE THIS LIKE GENTLEMEN

God Forbid guitarist/HooM! commenter Doc Coyle should be a proud dude on this the official release day of his band's ripping fifth album, Earthsblood. So why did he go out of his way to drive a knife into my back? Coyle writes in MetalSucks:

Vocally, I love "The Rain" because of the diversity, and on a few parts, like the chorus, it’s Byron [Davis, vocalist], Dallas [Coyle, guitars], and I all singing together, which shows one of the strengths of the band. I dig the solos on this track too. I was really trying to do some new stuff. [On] our last record, [Constitution of Treason], it felt like my solos were getting a little stale.

Um ok my feelings aren't hurt or anything, but let me just say that I've taken those very guitar solos to bed with me on many a night and made passionate yet tender love to them. With extensive cuddling afterward. Granted, I'm not sure which COT solos belong to whom (Doc, Dallas, or producer Jason Suecof) but each rips. First thing tomorrow, I'm gonna slap Doc with a glove. I believe it shall be an Isotoner.

TODAY IS THE DAY

The Metal Inquisition guys are inviting screaming sword attacks with the latest installment of  Metal Real Estate, their Pulitizer-winning investigative series*. Entertaining like a bloody car wreck, MRE has already peeled back the curtain to reveal modest to underwhelming lifestyles of Glenn Danzig and Anthrax's Joey Belladonna (ne Bellardini giggle). Then last week, MI obliterated any myth surrounding the lives of those cursed souls in Manowar (above, hey what's going on over there?), the ahem kings of metal, who, as it's twice iterated by MI's Lucho Metales, you'd think would have enough German festival money to move out of their parents' basement and quit that dry-walling gig. You'd think so, right? And you'd be wrong!

At risk of being a total asshole, I'll say that Manowar's financial standing is about proportionate to their musical skills. And jebus these guys had all of the '80s, when Metal made money, to set the foundations of wealth. (Is it possible they blew it all on furry underwear and tanning oil?) 

Conversely, awesome bands like Lamb of God and God Forbid are hitting their creative peaks in the era of illegal downloading and economic misery. But we shan't let the fate of Manowar befall LoG or GF, whose new records come out today. Let's start by toppling that awful, sexy Taylor Swift and the Grammy-bumped Alison Krauss/Robert Plant from atop the albums chart -- and installing real Metal royalty in their stead. mmGO!

 

*Not true

GOD FORBID IS THE CURE FOR A BROKEN HEART, BONER

For a second there, I was too gutted by early exits from the Australian Open for both Jelena "Weird Jel" Jankovic and Ana Ivanovic (above) to continue tittering in anticipation for late winter/early spring Metal new releases. The super-foxes of tennis were seeded 1 and 3, respectively, so I'd been banking on at least another few days of hot, sweaty grunting I mean world-class athleticism.  

But again Metal comes to the rescue for angry cock-blockees like me: As described by the band, the forthcoming Mastodon album sounds like a reimagining of the Genesis masterpiece The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway; everything we've heard from Wrath indicates that Lamb Of God is meaner, more confident, better-produced than ever (wow); shit, even the new Cannibal Corpse (streaming here) is terrif. Never thought I'd say that. Cool.

And yesterday, God Forbid made like a tipsy bridesmaid and flashed us some pre-hookup boob from Earthsblood, their initially worrying but now extremely exciting fifth album. Called "Walk Alone" (below), it's pretty hard-rockin' and may be a love song. Just sayin'.

NEW LAMB OF GOD SINGLE: SWISH!!!!!

Man I don't use the word cherish very often but hey I absolutely cherish the moment when a promising band drops an album or song or something that elevates them to extremely awesome. Such is Lamb of God's 2006 album Sacrament, the Virginia quintet's classic of spidery, hyper-catchy post-thrash. Sacrament's best moments helped make 2006 a historic Metal year, but the fact that LoG still fought occasional bouts of random riffage and stiff production just made my eyes bug as I considered that, though awesomely outrageous, Sacrament wouldn't be their best album for long. A masterpiece? Yes. A perfect album? No! So if LoG stayed hungry (and/or felt the fire), I reasoned, then their sixth record (now determined to be Wrath, out Feb. 24) would be boner-breaking ridiculous. You can just tell they have it in them.

Natch there's the concern that it's just as common for bands to wimp out a bit and rehash and regurgitate, especially after landing among the elite of a genre as LoG has. But holy shitballs check out the new Lamb of God tune "Set To Fail" streaming here. I saaaaid check it out! Oooh steaky guitar tone (awesome solo too)! The drums don't sound like DrumBot1995! Terrific chorus! VICTORY!

So everybody get out your wallets and let's propel Wrath and God Forbid's Earthsblood (also out Feb 24) to the top spots on the album chart at February's end. By my count, it'd take about 50,000 sold of each. No sweat! You'd only spend that $30 on beer and gum anyway. METAL!

THE MEN OF SHADOWS FALL ARE YOUR BABY TONIGHT

Hey who among us isn't beaming with pride as the economy tanks yet Metal is stepping up with mind-mangling tours one after another? The people of Metal seem to have exchanged shrugs and glances, deciding that illegal downloading or not, recording industry mismanagement or not, wave of unemployment and despair or not, the best medicine is loud Metal by the ton. If your head has been up your ass all month, observe:

Tours in progress:

• Soilwork with Darkane, Warbringer, Swallow The Sun

• As I Lay Dying with Protest The Hero, The Human Abstract, My Children My Bride

• Cradle of Filth with Satyricon, Septicflesh
  

Tours upcoming:

• Meshuggah with Cynic, The Faceless

• Lamb Of God with As I Lay Dying, Children of Bodom, God Forbid/Municipal Waste

• D*******d with Killswitch Engage, Lacuna Coil, Chimaira

• The Haunted with Nachtmystium, Kylesa, Intronaut

• Kreator with Exodus, Belphegor, Warbringer, Epicurean

As you can see, that'sa soma espicy meataballsa. Though for the life of me I can NOT see how God Forbid is opening that Lamb of God tour. And only half of it? Does AILD sell lotsa records or something? In HooM!World, it's a LoG/GF co-headline tour all the way. Huh. 

Anyway, SoCal Metal people get even more awesomeness as Shadows Fall (above, rrrrrar) is slated to play a surprise show in Fullerton TONIGHT for FREE to the first 200 people. SF is kinda like Living Colour to me: a top-notch bunch of players and 100% super-happy-Tom-Cruise-blue-jeans dudes, but a great album has thus far eluded them. With every day there's fresh hope. And hope for freshness. 

THIS CHARADE DEMEANS US BOTH

There may be a giant stick up my ass 'cause I'm all offended by God Forbid's free download for "War of Attrition" from the forthcoming Earthsblood. First, you have to register on the band's new ahem website, annoying promotion sledgehammer that it is. But fair enough. Then, like those dicklesses in L****n P**k, guitarist Doc Coyle unconvincingly states that the mp3 is a ahem holiday gift, rather than a commercial for their product:

Happy holidays metalheads! We in God Forbid thought it would be a great idea to give a Christmas present to fans in the form a free MP3 download. It's one of the most intense songs from Earthsblood, and sure to be a staple in the live set for years! We will probably do a video for the track at some point as well. Enjoy and please send us messages and commentary on what you think. We are psyched for everyone to hear this one!

Christmas present? SHUT UP! Not bagging on you Doc cuz you totally rip and I always tell you as much despite the court order, but this is obviously just a promotion! In the same breath as "present," you pimp your live show and video and your new website! When I gave my parents that toaster on Thursday, I didn't explain that they should keep an eye out for other Black & Decker models and the big 2009 appliance trade show at the expo center this summer. Where are my fucking crabby pills?

STRIKE TWO

I guess it's part of the game, but it's frustrating as hell to see awesome bands like God Forbid fuck up. Coming off a pair of triumphant outings in 2004 and 2005, the New Joisey quintet seems poised to take a step back (or down or over) with the forthcoming Earthsblood, featuring easily the least impressive song in the GF catalog ("Year Of The Gun"). That was strike one; let's call second previewed track "The Rain" a bloop double (la-ame chorus) and generously score that hideous title as a foul ball. (I guess Why So Serious? was taken.) Maybe I'm harsh but keep in mind that these flubs follow two albums predominantly composed of slam dunks and touchdowns. And short-handed goals, break points, a turkey, and fucking yahtzee for the love of shit.

And now the unveiling of Earthsblood's cover art (above). Myuu-YUCK. I think I saw the same image stretched skin-tight across some doucheberry's chest at Vanguard.

PRIVY TO ALL THE NEW SHIT

Between the new One Man Army & The Undead Quartet record Grim Tales (scintillating new tour video here, with cameos from cuddly tourmates Krisiun) and Brandy's post-manslaughter outing Human, we at HooM! have full plates of new shit to rock (not to mix metaphors) even without the handful of killer new songs now bringing the Metalnet to full flame. But does anybody else subconsciously avoid new songs in favor of new albums? A.) One or two news songs from a hotly-anticipated record never satisfy, though advance songs from predicted duds can surprise ya (I played the holy christing fuck out of this gem). B.) Weeks/months later, the record comes out and you've already experienced some of it, making for an uneven listen. There's no pleasing some people.

• The brilliant God Forbid's "The Rain" does not sound like Shadows Fall, like that first previewed Earthsblood track "Year of the Gun". Out Feb 24.

• Lamb Of God goes monster on this shitty-sounding/pretty-looking live clip of "Overhauled" from Wrath. Out Feb 24.

• Post-Max Sepultura is criminally underrated, as evidenced by these two grimy killers from A-LEX, their ahem concept album based on A Clockwork Orange. Out Jan 27.

• Enslaved is breaking hearts (figuratively) with their hot beards and (slightly less figuratively) last week's tour postponement, but wowsers check out their new video for "The Watcher." It's crispy and cloudy, just like the mind-mangling album from whence it comes, Vertebrae. Out now. 

Man, round-ups are boring as whaleshit. 

CROWNED UNWATCHABLE

It's as though a warm breeze cleansed HooM! Headquarters this weekend thanks to my acquisition of the brand new 4-in-1 Lethal Weapon complete set ($13!). One new inclusion to the director's cut is a first act-scene in which Riggs, standing upright, downs a sniper from a hundred yards. With a pistol. Preposterous, surely, but not as wildly retarded as my other big get, The Crown's 14 Years of No Tomorrow (above), disc one of which bears a pathetic, self-worshipping ahem documentary of the ill-fated band. Composed mainly of title cards and more title cards, the 70-minute doc feels more like a series of trailers written by a pre-teen Goosebumps enthusiast. Band interviews? Not really. Rare live footage? Relegated to disc 3. Insight or narrative of any kind? Fail. Since 2002, I'm basically one night of partying away from a Crown face tattoo yet now I'm more inclined to a quick seek-and-kick-nuts mission upon those responsible for this abortion. 

Metal people, don't be the next casualty of embarrassing, corny DVDs, like God Forbid's hilariously-titled Beneath The Scars of Glory and Progression. Um, huh? It's your stupid DVD, dudes, not a conquest of distant moons. In fact, don't comment on your own band ever, you semi-literate dunces. That's the exclusive domain of semi-literate wannabe dunces on the internet.

THE AUDACITY OF HOPE (FOR BETTER METAL)

I'm living proof that voting should be restricted to non-retards. After an entire evening spent in line breathing stale, stank air, it turns out I was without proper documentation to register. And so, I shamefully left the line mere feet from the voting booths after enduring two and a half hours of ceaseless bullshit from my linemates. What am I? a fucking idiot?

There is something I'm more than qualified to vote on, and that's next year's most anticipated Metal record (nice segue). Until late last week, God Forbid's forthcoming Earthsblood figured largely in my Metal plans for 2009, but the new song "Empire of the Gun" sounds like Shadows Fall. By which I mean 'overproduced,' 'generic,' and 'not heavy enough'. 

Meanwhile, Lamb Of God has announced Wrath, their fifthcoming forth album. Actually, flip those. While God Forbid has credited the silly, pointless movie There Will Be Blood with influencing their album title choice, one wonders if LOG watched Seven a bunch of times while recording Wrath. Or that Charlie Sheen movie. Oh wait that's The Wraith. And we all know Insane Clown Posse already did that!

But the most promising upcoming album honors belong to Mastodon (above). If ever asked to name an album as engaging and magical as Mastodon's 2006 outing Blood Mountain, I would pause thoughtfully and then reply between measured silences. "That's a great question, Frank. My answer would have to be ... Hounds of Love. The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway. Deloused In The Comatorium." Uh. I mean that's what I'd say if I were bearded HIPSTER SCUM! For real I'd say Streets. Seventh Son of a Seventh Son. Nothingface. And in all likelihood, Mastodon's upcoming Brendan O'Brien-produced album Crack The Skye. Bring that shit on!

DALLAS COYLE, NATIONAL TREASURE

This has come up before, but man things are getting a little heated about the presidential elections. Nobody seems to be cool or detached; there's a marked lack of confidence in each pissy voter. The greedy and backward are nervous as shit about the not white guy; meanwhile, the underprivileged and the intelligentsia can't believe the race is even close. And though this sucks ass to contemplate, it's better to face our problems so here goes. It would be a landslide for Barack Obama if not for racism. 

No one at HooM! is trying to put words in anyone's mouths (just dongs, natch), but it was seemingly in this spirit that Dallas Coyle of God Forbid raged wildly in his October 9 Metal Sucks guest blog. Coyle had John McCain figured as a racist, not exactly an outlandish claim. But the killer guitarist and songwriter with awesome hair zeroed in on McCain's "that one" remark, when actually all you have to do is look at the guy. He's so White. Yessss, that's a capital w. But MS commenters rushed to detail dozens of the potentially infinite number of explanations why the "that one" statement isn't racist on its face, blah blah blah. I admit, McCain may not be a racist, but he knew who the fuck was listening. And he's a hopeless gibbering retard if he didn't consider how the words would be interpreted or disambiguated etc etc etc and how that would work to his advantage. Dick!

Anyway, Dallas offered his apologies today. That takes a big man; the commenters on Metal Sucks speak freely and with passion. Especially the Disturbed defenders. And now I shall do the same: Dallas Coyle, I reject your apology. In your anger, you may have neglected the logical basis of your argument. (More likely it's because one requires half a brain to understand the facets of your opinion; I don't qualify since I am so puzzled by the JFK assassination part). But your conclusions and insights are CORRECT!

CORRECT I SAY. So let it be written.