I WATCHED A HALF HOUR OF THE FUSE CHANNEL

This girl I knew bangs Papa Roach's merch guy or something so I heard immediately about their now ex-drummer's antics last summer. She'd gushed all about it, adding 'You like that kind of music right?' I remember taking it as an insult and today I was reminded why. Papa Roach is the shittiest shit ever. And Disturbed. These are the bands whose videos I endured today on the cutting edge totally extreme Fuse network. If you're asking under what circumstances I watched Fuse of my own free will, I could explain its proximity to VH1 Classic on the dial, but honestly it's because I couldn't find a fishing lure to embed in my anus. Actually, I sought Mayhem Fest coverage (the good parts, like above), as promised by Fuse's Let It Rock and its host, Juliya (more like Juli-ugh). And that amounted to some Killswitch Engage whinery (what are you kidding me with this shit?) plus Manson and Slayer bytes. And so begins my letter writing campaign for Time Warner to replace Fuse with that Russian channel featuring scorpions attacking newborns.

SLAP HIS TITS AND RUB YOUR BALLS ON HIS NOSE

This is news to me but apparently I have an unspeakable Dave Wyndorf problem cuz not only did I first credit the Monster Magnet frontman with a guest vocal on Nashville Pussy's latest record (belonging to Danko Jones), but today I also was willing to bet it was Dave again on Steel Panther's "Turn Out The Lights" (above). Which makes it extra disturbing that this time I mistook him for M Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold, the band currently atop American Metal's suckpile.

A close neighbor of theirs is Killswitch Engage and I officially give up resisting the urge to bitch about what is going on at MetalSucks' joyous 21 Best Metal Albums Of The 21st Century ... So Far. Here goes: Goddamn I can't stand Killswitch Engage. They're probably good at their shit, but their shit is the opposite of what I like about music in every respect, except for heavy guitars. Yep the five men of KsE only do one thing right and most of the credit for that goes to their amps and shit. So. For a while there I was secretly proud that my name was listed among some righteous co-voters at MS, though I suspect now we're all secretly ashamed of our collective awful taste. Is it time for the voter pool to devour itself with accusations and insinuations, shattering into a dozen goon-enforced factions? Will the controversy of two goddamn fucking KsE records in the top 6 culminate in carnage as representatives of each splinter group face each other in the fucking octagon? If so will Dallas and Doc Coyle find themselves on opposite sides? Will beards counteract my first strike clothesline capabilities?