SLAP HIS TITS AND RUB YOUR BALLS ON HIS NOSE

This is news to me but apparently I have an unspeakable Dave Wyndorf problem cuz not only did I first credit the Monster Magnet frontman with a guest vocal on Nashville Pussy's latest record (belonging to Danko Jones), but today I also was willing to bet it was Dave again on Steel Panther's "Turn Out The Lights" (above). Which makes it extra disturbing that this time I mistook him for M Shadows of Avenged Sevenfold, the band currently atop American Metal's suckpile.

A close neighbor of theirs is Killswitch Engage and I officially give up resisting the urge to bitch about what is going on at MetalSucks' joyous 21 Best Metal Albums Of The 21st Century ... So Far. Here goes: Goddamn I can't stand Killswitch Engage. They're probably good at their shit, but their shit is the opposite of what I like about music in every respect, except for heavy guitars. Yep the five men of KsE only do one thing right and most of the credit for that goes to their amps and shit. So. For a while there I was secretly proud that my name was listed among some righteous co-voters at MS, though I suspect now we're all secretly ashamed of our collective awful taste. Is it time for the voter pool to devour itself with accusations and insinuations, shattering into a dozen goon-enforced factions? Will the controversy of two goddamn fucking KsE records in the top 6 culminate in carnage as representatives of each splinter group face each other in the fucking octagon? If so will Dallas and Doc Coyle find themselves on opposite sides? Will beards counteract my first strike clothesline capabilities?

OVERKILL HAS RESPONDED

Since the L.A. kickoff of Overkill's run of dates with Warbringer earlier this month, reports have been streaming into HooM! HQ that the veteran thrash band has finally responded to Avenged Sevenfold's plagiarism of Charlie, the Overkill logo (compare). No source has witnessed a spoken statement, but rather that the back of a t-shirt prominently displayed at merch tables reads 'GET YOUR OWN FUCKING LOGO.' This shirt, whose front features an image of Charlie, the phrase 'THIS ONE IS OURS,' and Overkill origin date, has been around at shows since January and we at HooM! say FUCKING FINALLY. That said, I hope no one raises objections to our forthcoming chain of HooM! hamburger restaurants and the giant yellow double-arch that we've selected as our corporate logo. For some reason, our test groups showed instant high recognition of the emblem, with a stunning 99% association rate with hamburgers and, inexplicably, scary clowns with nightmarish striped clothing. We've got it made!

Earth To Avenged Sevenfold: No Duh

Remember that episode of The Simpsons when Mr. Burns, coaching the company softball team, replaces Darryl Strawberry with Homer in the ninth inning? Notice that Homer didn't taunt the crowd in attendance, since only an idiot would blame them for booing? Well, fucking Earth to Avenged Sevenfold: You are Homer. Iron Maiden is Darryl Strawberry. From Blabbermouth:

Musica Metal has posted video footage of a visibly irritated Avenged Sevenfold performing a short cover of Pantera's "Walk" in response to chants for headliners Iron Maiden during the California band's June 27, 2008 concert at the Gods of Metal festival in Bologna, Italy.

Avenged Sevenfold frontman M Shadows, mega-dork, is even hilariouser than usual in the clip, rapping with the Maiden fans about his 'boys in Bullet For My Valentine' AKA metal's other phony-ass joke of a band. I'm sure Shadows gets even funnier/more retarded but the clip's sound isn't loud enough to drown out my brain's screaming. I guess they played "Walk." How original. Get it? 'Cause those Italian fans weren't "Re! Spect!"-ing the band. Which the band disagrees with. How cute. Clip below; it's your funeral.