IN MY FACE

I'm pretty sure that every reasonable Metal person enjoyed a hearty chortle at the new Static-X album's cover art (above). Come on, this is some delusional bullshit, we all thought; the Chicago quartet is dumb-looking, silly-sounding, and beset with unfortunate links to habitual child rapists. So precisely where does this fictitious legion of Static-X fans congregate for Wayne Static to go all Morpheus on them? Did he just rip the top off a barrel of meth or something?

Well, Static-X anticipated our skepticism and has responded by selling 19,000 copies of Cult of Static, which lands in the Top 20 in its first week. Huh. Really makes you think. Of suicide.

WARRIOR SOUL REPLACES ANONYMOUS DRUMMER WITH AW FORGET IT

We all know that there are few things more embarrassing than unwittingly hiring a sex pervert for your already iffy rock band. Chalk that up to a big whoopsie-doodle for Wayne Static of Static-X, for whom I've always secretly rooted to overcome the considerable handicap of being from Chicago. Oh and fronting an awful band. So when the story broke in 2006 that Static-X guitarist Tripp Eisen (above, rrrar!) would do jail time for cyber-pederasty, my heart sank a bit for Mr. Tall Hair and his disco-metal outfit. At least the super-duper former Warner Bros. publicist Monica Seide wouldn't be stuck with damage control. 

Now I for one knew something was fishy back when the then-newly enlisted Eisen revealed to me plans for a Static-X covers album to include the Steely Dan favorite "Hey Thirteen." It's called "Hey Nineteen" but who's counting right? Oh. The federal authorities are counting. From MetalSucks:

Eisen went and done it again [sic], according to New Jersey Department of Corrections website, which helps track local sex offenders; a report says Eisen attempted “to lure or entice a child” in October of ‘08, a violation of the terms of his parole. Consequently, he’s been back behind bars since December, where he will apparently remain until October.

Ah MetalSucks: Come for the rap sheet but stay for the zing (ref. concluding paragraph)! Sadly, MS co-chief Axl Rosenberg's hilariousness exposes the lame nature of my material on the once-great Warrior Soul's quest for obscurity. I was just gonna make fun of the total so-what? line-up change but what's the point now. Happy, Professor McChuckles? From Blabbermouth:

Warrior Soul has parted ways with drummer Rob "Stevo" Stephenson and replaced him with Billy Williams. Frontman Kory Clarke stated: "[Williams is] fucking nuts. He fits right in, knows the material, and can rock with anyone I've ever played with. He'll be a blast to hang out with again!"

Oh wait how about this: Somebody should tell Eisen that's what happens when you "Push It" too far! Talk about a Wisconsin Death Tripp! That band should be called Statick-XXX. OK I'll just let myself out.