SATURDAY NIGHT'S ALRIGHT FOR VALENTINING

Hey guess what? It's Saturday night and I'm psyched for R&B chanteuse Brandy, who I just heard dumped William Morris for ICM. Also, Peter Gabriel is cool as shit for many reasons, but especially so in light of his refusal to perform just 60 seconds of his Oscar-nominated tune from Wall-E as part of a medley with the other two Best Song noms. Show producers are cutting heavily to keep running time to three hours but they probably didn't count on Pete's obliging them by withdrawing completely. Which do you prefer, Condon? too long to endure or too pointless to watch? Super Bowl broadcast producers: You fuckers are next. Fuck medleys.

To celebrate these two historic developments, I'm gonna make like Love/Hate and puke on somebody's loafers tonight. Hey I may even indulge my spiteful side and go all Warrior Soul (above) on some unsuspecting couple. Well how do YOU celebrate Valentine's Day?

WARRIOR SOUL REPLACES ANONYMOUS DRUMMER WITH AW FORGET IT

We all know that there are few things more embarrassing than unwittingly hiring a sex pervert for your already iffy rock band. Chalk that up to a big whoopsie-doodle for Wayne Static of Static-X, for whom I've always secretly rooted to overcome the considerable handicap of being from Chicago. Oh and fronting an awful band. So when the story broke in 2006 that Static-X guitarist Tripp Eisen (above, rrrar!) would do jail time for cyber-pederasty, my heart sank a bit for Mr. Tall Hair and his disco-metal outfit. At least the super-duper former Warner Bros. publicist Monica Seide wouldn't be stuck with damage control. 

Now I for one knew something was fishy back when the then-newly enlisted Eisen revealed to me plans for a Static-X covers album to include the Steely Dan favorite "Hey Thirteen." It's called "Hey Nineteen" but who's counting right? Oh. The federal authorities are counting. From MetalSucks:

Eisen went and done it again [sic], according to New Jersey Department of Corrections website, which helps track local sex offenders; a report says Eisen attempted “to lure or entice a child” in October of ‘08, a violation of the terms of his parole. Consequently, he’s been back behind bars since December, where he will apparently remain until October.

Ah MetalSucks: Come for the rap sheet but stay for the zing (ref. concluding paragraph)! Sadly, MS co-chief Axl Rosenberg's hilariousness exposes the lame nature of my material on the once-great Warrior Soul's quest for obscurity. I was just gonna make fun of the total so-what? line-up change but what's the point now. Happy, Professor McChuckles? From Blabbermouth:

Warrior Soul has parted ways with drummer Rob "Stevo" Stephenson and replaced him with Billy Williams. Frontman Kory Clarke stated: "[Williams is] fucking nuts. He fits right in, knows the material, and can rock with anyone I've ever played with. He'll be a blast to hang out with again!"

Oh wait how about this: Somebody should tell Eisen that's what happens when you "Push It" too far! Talk about a Wisconsin Death Tripp! That band should be called Statick-XXX. OK I'll just let myself out.

WARRIOR SOUL'S KORY CLARKE IS NOT AMUSING

There is no shortage of humiliating gaffes in my life, but my ultimate duh moment came at the hands of this smart-ass sticker. That morning, I'd bolted out of w***, darted across the foot bridge, took three, four, five steps at a time, finishing with a triumphant nine-stair slide down the brick ledge. I stuck the landing* and got into the record store before they'd even opened the second floor. Days earlier, one of the dudes there had showed me a palmful of Kory Clarke's Opium Hotel CDs, noting that until the release date no I couldn't buy one. I hadn't even heard about it. But now I was sneaking the fuck out of w*** to go get one. 

Arriving back, I unveiled my find to a friend and immediately struggled to explain its significance. Warrior Soul, drugs, intensity, not a hair band, serious shit, politics, punching. At that point, I hadn't been entirely certain Clarke hadn't dropped dead of a fatal overdose or tire ironing. But check it out! His debut solo album! The cover art was awesome. But what is this sticker? It's a explicit lyrics warning -- yay! Clarke is a black-belt swearer --  but part of it had been cut off. It read "Parental Advisory -- This Recording Contains Art" but huh that didn't look right. They'd fucked it up and forgotten the second half of the sentence, the "Which May Be Offensive" part. But my friend pointed out that no no no Clarke had obviously done that on purpose. Get it? He's making a statement. In my excitement (and eagerness to school dudes on Warrior Soul), I'd missed it. Aha. Good one, right? Ha. Crickets.

Ok I'm a ditz but still -- that's just lame and dramatic in a way that sets a shrill tone to an as-yet unheard album like the bitching had spilled over from the CD onto the cover art. But who cares, since that sticker is the only bad thing about Opium Hotel. Muuuuuuch unlike the dubious Chinese Democracy, the forthcoming "album" by "Warrior Soul". At a muscular eight tracks, it's Clarke's first release of new material under the WS moniker since 1995. I'm not calling for a reunion of the real Warrior Soul line-up (RIP Mark Evans). Go ahead and use other guys, Kory -- we don't give a shit. It's just that ... just look at the guys you got. Nice guys, I'm sure, but they simply are not rocking. They probably can rock in good conditions, but they do not rock like Warrior Soul music must be rocked. So get good guys, Kory you spaz! And the title, Chinese Democracy? What the fuck are you talking about? What's your fucking point? Is this thing on???

*It's kinda like skiing. You plant your feet flat and sit on your heels. Then slide and dismount. Hint: Develop balance by learning to shit on a Japanese toilet.