EVER SEE 'KING OF COMEDY'?

One of my most popular party stories ends with Devin Townsend materializing (ha get it, above) in front of me on a sidewalk in stupid Chicago one evening. We lamewads had failed on the show, missing Strapping Young Lad's piddly 25-minute set except for cymbals and "Thankyougoodnightfuckerz!" followed by Hoglan's ass receding into the darkness. Then came I think Dark Wanquility and definitely In Flames, which pushed us right back out the front doors like in a sketch from The Muppet Show. Pissed, we piled back into the car; at the first stoplight, I looked to my right to see Townsend with hands in pockets, alone at the corner. I heard three effeminate gasps in the car when I shrieked "Devin! What the fuck we missed the shit it's like 5:45 pm traffic was fucked why so early what the fuuuck??!?" He shrugged but also smiled cuz my expression must've been retarded and I look cartoonish with my eyebrows raised and palms upturned. Bubbles hissed "Don't yell at him about it, dude" which got an honest laugh. Good thing Townsend didn't know that the semi-retard before him was entrusted with the task of writing about his records (his website once pulled a quote of mine super bonerz!). The light turned green and I just waved and waved and waved, kinda in the style of Coop in Wet Hot American Summer. Then it hit me: Fuck! We should've kidnapped him! Shit! Four of us! One of him! Already in the getaway vehicle! Shit!

There you have it folks. Take your eye off the ball for a split second and you too will miss the chance to enslave Devin Townsend, to harness his powers for evil, to compel him to stage private concerts on your balcony and and AND to produce your all guitar solo album (no backing tracks, literally solo guitar just soloing). Or to starve him brutally until he agrees to recast Hysteria in his own mould, title it Addicted, and release it on November 17. OK he ended up doing that anyway. Lucky for him!

DEVIN TOWNSEND HAS SUCCUMBED TO MY MIND CONTROL

Like many, I gargle the nuts of Devin Townsend and like slightly fewer, I didn't comprehend his last record. Though there's little of the accompanying despair and disappointment, as Devy is so reliable and evolutionary that one is compelled to take the blame if and when his tunes fail to stick. Further, Ki is the first that hasn't and it came at a time when my mid-life crisis has oriented me backward, and shit I'm not really prepared to just Dorothy into the surreal dimensions of Dev's brain. Which, not for nothing, seems to be enduring a crisis of its own since well forever. Wow that's arrogant of me to write but anyway a November 17 release for Addicted means not even a half-year will've elapsed between parts one and two of Townsend's New Devin Quadrilogy; so it would seem that the two albums may be similar but that's entirely impossible according to Townsend:

Musically, Addicted is along the lines of the big, wall of sound hard rock/heavy metal; [it] is a very direct and 'to the point' album with an emphasis on groove and the chorus. In the past, lots of my records end up taking a kind of Pink Floyd-ish route (between song meandering, etc.) Addicted is really simple: 11 rocking songs with no bullshit.

I wanted to make a record that was heavy, without being dark or depressing. When I got into metal it was for the energy behind it, but somewhere along the way that energy started getting really negative. In music right now, there's a ton of heavy bands that are really depressing to listen to loudly. [Yes! - ed.] I wanted to make a record without any real deep metaphor on the surface. Something that sounds good, has a good beat and a positive feeling. [Yes!!] It is still heavy as-all-get-out, but I think there's a differentiation to be made between being 'peaceful,’ and being peaceful but wanting to celebrate loud, crushing music. [Oh god yes!]

I absolutely love this record and it affects me in a way that I wasn't prepared for. It's a fully rocking album of optimism. If you just want to 'play it loud' without any crazy metaphor, this album might be for you. The reason that Addicted exists is maybe a little deeper than what the record sounds like up front. But up front, it kind of states: 'Life is tough, the world can be an ugly place...so let’s forget about the dramas and Rock - here's some heavy guitars, big choruses and killer beats.

OK having read the above and listened to this new song from Addicted -- and crapped myself with joy -- I can say that this record may end my life. It just might be the record I've been demanding from Townsend: a big-production pop-metal album. This is like the greatest pastry chef in the universe making a donut. This is Kobe on my team for two-on-two. This means my efforts to manipulate his thoughts have succeeded and boy howdy! He just booked his first live date too! Though he must've misheard my directive cuz it's in fucking Europe, which happened with Faith No More too. Shit. Incidentally, this applies to Mike Patton, too, cuz the heavy pop dalliances of each are goddamn fucking awesome. One could make a (shamefully brief) mixtape of these tracks (opening with "Fluke," above), but a post 9/11 Hysteria, as Townsend indirectly promises this November, would pretty much explode my reality. Somebody tell Patton to take off that tinfoil hat.

TOWNSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEND!

I was trying to convince myself today that, having once distractedly half-listened to Devin Townsend's new record, I am now merely taking some time off from it. That was nearly three months ago, reports iTunes, taunting me. The truth is that I'm scared to listen to it a second time. In retrospect, I kinda shoulda been in crash positions for the record what for all the bizarre conceptual ground he's been covering in recent interviews, but please let's respect each other and take it as a given that no matter what is said, whatever the record turned out to be would turn out good. Devin's shit is like that sometimes; it's really big, weird, poppy Metal written, performed, produced, and released by the same handful of people. I've never once misidentified a band's song as one of Devin's, which is the confusing way of saying his records are pure Devin and even the bands for whom he creates whole records don't really live in the same world or galaxy even.

The point I'm slowing sneaking up on is that way back in early summer on that Monday that I stubbed my toe all to fuck and listened to Ki, I did not at all understand what I was hearing. It sounded like a bunch of dicking around! Mumbling! Very little of the album remains in my memory, but simply put I did not get it. I distinctly remember thumbing through a Scientific American or some shit while listening to it! Yes, sadly it is true! And it turns out I've been in denial about this fact since fucking June 22. The reviews are positive and reliable Vince Neilstein likes it. I have to listen to it again eventually, so my hope is it's one of those records like say Mental Vortex or Streets that make no sense at first and then rule your ballz 4 life. If not, it basically means that life has disowned me and I'm in a bad mood until further notice. Wish me luck. Do iiit.

DEVIN TOWNSEND IS A FUNEREAL WINNER

Super HooM! thanks to the awesome awesomists who voted on the awesome HooM! Funeral Music poll. My choice would've been The Crown's "Dawn Of Emptiness" but jeez it took all month to decide. And it came down to the song's terminus, not ironically, which in the case of our winner, Devy's epic "Dynamics" (above, best voice of all time?), is an unresolved bummer. Meanwhile, "Dawn" leaves on a note of triumphant and omnicidal menace, which is 100% what my life has been about. That and Cinnamon Toast Crunch that shit is delicious.

HEAVY AS A REALLY DEVY THING

As combustible balls of white-hot rage, the team behind MetalSucks' 21 Best Albums of the 21st Century...So Far wisely opted to avenge the list's incompleteness with a post script, and though my Crown pitch was shot to the ground, it was a thrill to instead tongue-bathe Strapping Young Lad's astounding tour de asskick Alien. More thrilling was the outpouring of pro-Devin Townsend comments; truly, I was shocked at the number of rockers who share my deep spiritual connection with DevyMetal, captured to quintessential effect on SYL's fourth.

Another 50000 words could've been devoted to Alien's depth of brilliance, though most gaps in my disrespectfully brief writing were filled by MS comment jockeys. But the freaky thing is that even among fans of Alien, none mentioned its cousin, Townsend's little-loved Physicist record. Called at the time "Strapping lite," Physicist was proto-Alien cacophony folded into some of Devy's most memorable messages and melodies (above, die if you don't love it). On MS, pastoral, expansive records like Ocean Machine, Terria, and Infinity (home to "Dynamics," current vote leader in the HooM! Funeral Song poll to the right) get all the love, but let's not forget the Revolver to Alien's Sgt. Pepper. Crank it.

DEVIN YOU'RE SCARING US

Hey y'know that whole thing about Joaquin Phoenix quitting movies to be an MC or whatever? But it's supposed to be a hoax, an inside joke? For now, let's file Devin Townsend's new sober lifestyle and freaky overtalking in that same drawer. I mean, anybody with at least one functioning ear knows that Townsend is a fucking genius. From the screaming Metal of Strapping Young Lad to his more pensive, expansive solo stuff (like 2007's Ziltoid The Omniscient), his records KILL, a fact made remarkabler by the scant downtime between them. He's the Steve Marriott of Metal, the guy that all singers and guitarists and producers secretly admit is the real shit, the best voice, the keenest ear, the most soul. 

So it's alarming and scary that in 2009 Townsend sounds like a changed man with a different approach to music. It's always sad to see a superstar ambassador of our drug community change sides, but it's not about that. Not exactly. Townsend describes his upcoming record Ki (teaser here), the first in a four-volume project (via Blabbermouth):

Many folks have been waiting to see what I do next after SYL and Ziltoid, so after careful consideration, I wanted the first record to be quiet and subtle. However, fear not chaos fans... the next two records in the quartet are progressively heavier; the third volume, Deconstruction, is the heaviest music I've ever created. I know as I get older, a steady diet of chaotic music does little more than give me a headache. So with Ki, I wanted to re-introduce myself in a way that says, "I can make chaos like you've never heard. But for starters, please get comfortable." 

The common ground to my previous releases would be my voice, but even my guitar playing has changed. I use primarily a clean tone now (no distortion) and in terms of the sonics, I have used very little compression and it is not mastered very loud. The term Ki loosely means "life force" and, therefore, in almost the antithesis to my previous albums, there is no real editing or triggers on the drums. Much of the music was recorded "live off the floor." I wanted to preserve the energy flow without worrying so much about mistakes.

Ki appeared after I quit drugs. I found myself angry at drugs, in all honesty. I spent many, many years stoned out of my mind, making music that although clever, was a misrepresentation of what I truly feel I wanted to say. Once I started "clearing up," I found that reality in many ways is much HEAVIER than the drug world. It has sharper edges and less release, but the point with Ki is that I need to clarify a lot of things I've said in the past musically. I believe in spirituality, and that life force is much more intense when I participate in it with a sober mind. 

Huh. News of four (!) new Devy records should make my wang scream, but it's totally disturbing when a lifestyle change causes musicians to drastically alter their perfectly sound approach to being awesome. I get it that drugs are wrong for Townsend now, but it's specious (at least) for him to conclude that his drug years (and their fruits) require a total reversal. What parts of transcendent records like Terria or Physicist could be wrong or dishonest? Does he truly intend to distance himself from life-saving perfection of Infinity? From sonics to performance to content, Townsend is negating and reversing. He claims he wants to clarify his past sentiments, but his words tell a different story. He's becoming an anti-Devin.

It's just as likely that Townsend is fully aligned with himself now, and that Strapping Young Lad and his classic Devin Townsend albums, brilliant as they are, represent but a fraction of his potential. Ki, and Destruction and Addiction and Whatever may be the best, purest Devin music ever, an unfiltered expression of a profound musical mind. For now, all we have is (a shitload) of explanations and a very disheartening five minutes of clips. Or it's joke.