WOW WINGER DOES MAKE YOU GAY

There must be some society somewhere in which guys non-romantically slow dance with their friends for some reason, and should I plummet over a waterfall and wake up among them and James Malone of Arsis is there too, I'd have my head on his shoulder throughout Winger's awesome "Headed For A Heartbreak." And I mean at the very first opportunity. It's like totally our song. I bet he frenches great. Hope you're doing better, Jim.

HOOM! EXCLUSIVE: ARSIS' DAVID KINKADE ON JAMES MALONE'S HEALTH, TOUR CANCELLATIONS

Lately, I’m Rihanna and Arsis is my Chris Brown. I just want some hot concert action from the authors of the 2008 instant Metal classic We Are The Nightmare. And the Arsis guys sweetly promised it to me, before suddenly opting to choke me with my seat belt (i.e. pulling out of a tour with The Faceless).

Oh, but we can change, they vowed, pointing to a new and better tour with reactivated legends Carcass, which kicks off tomorrow in Philadelphia. And I believed them until BAM! right in the 'nads: Arsis announced last week that they would not be part of the Carcass/Suicide Silence/Samael/Psycroptic tour due to "major personal and communication issues". I’ve been such a fool. Sigh.

But seriously, Arsis is already fighting a reputation for frequent line-up changes. So, now, what the shit is up with these cancellations? Yesterday, we phrased that very question several annoying ways to Arsis drummer/totally awesome guy David Kinkade (Borknagar, Divine Empire, Malovolent Creation, Council of the Fallen), who threw away ten minutes of his life talking with Hipsters Out Of Metal! about frontman James Malone, new Arsis music, and fun in Metal. 

HooM! You can confirm that Arsis will not appear on the upcoming Carcass tour?

David Kinkade: Yes. The situation is that the singer/guitar player/main guy, James Malone, is ill. That’s the best thing I can say. He’s not dying of AIDS or anything. He’s just a little bit sick right now. He’s got some loose ends in his personal life that he needs to tie up before we can continue with Arsis, y’know?

HooM! Why hasn’t there been an official announcement?

DK: Actually, we’re between management [deals] right now. We’re supposed to be signing with new management pretty soon. Again, a lot of [Malone’s] personal problems right now have held – yeah, I guess I would say they’ve held back the band. We’ve been unable to go forward with our band stuff. We were supposed to be doing the Carcass tour; that’s not happening. Also, there was a miscommunication with somebody about a few weeks ago with The Faceless tour that we obviously didn’t do. We cancelled that tour and didn’t even send out a press release. 

HooM!: Is Arsis functioning as a four-piece right now [since the guitarist Ryan Knight’s departure for The Black Dahlia Murder]?

DK: I think we’re a three piece. We have Nick Cordle, the second guitarist, who [handled Arsis bass duties] for the Morbid Angel tour. Then myself – and I play in a whole bunch of bands: Malevolent Creation, Council of the Fallen, and Borknagar from Norway. So we’re basically a three-piece but we have a few bass players in mind. 

We’ve got some festivals in Europe scheduled for May and the guy we’re looking at was a recommendation from Ryan Knight. It’s another guy named Ryan who lives in Georgia. So hopefully we’ll do the next tour and festivals. Or whatever we’re able to do. 

HooM!: What can you tell us about this prospective bassist?

DK: Before Ryan Knight joined Arsis, he had this project called The Knife Trade; the Ryan we’re looking at [to join Arsis] played in The Knife Trade. There’s a whole bunch of Ryans in that band. [laughs]

HooM!: I’d be disappointed about missing this tour with Carcass.

DK: Definitely. Another shitty thing about it is that we had an arrangement for [openers] Psycroptic to use our backline – our guitar cabinets, bass cabinets, our drum kit, and all that shit. They’re from Tasmania so it’s not like they can fit all their gear on a plane. But we found out that Arsis isn’t doing the tour seven days before [it starts], and I had to get in touch with Nuclear Blast and our booking agent. And tried to get in touch with the band, which was next to impossible. So it was pretty hard. 

But Psycroptic will use one of my drum kits for the first day of the tour in Philadelphia, and then they’re using someone’s else’s for the rest of the tour. So at least we were able to work something out where we’re not completely shafting those guys. 

HooM!: Huh. Sudden cancellations? Lotsa member changes? This sounds like a drug thing. With James.

DK: … A drug thing?

HooM!: Yeah.

DK: He doesn’t do drugs, though. James Malone, to be completely honest with you, is one of the uh more interesting people I’ve played in bands with. I mean, the dude counts his calories and carbs and all that stuff. He only eats certain meats. He’s into tofu. He puts hot sauce on everything. He eats salads with ketchup on them. So he’s very picky about his health. Even though he’s a smoker. [laughs]

He doesn’t drink. Anymore. And he certainly doesn’t do drugs. If anybody does drugs in the band it’s me. [laughs] 

HooM!: [laughs]

DK: I used to do a lot of heavy, hardcore shit. Now I’ll occasionally smoke. I like a good, tasty-ass beer almost every night. But that’s about it. There are no drugs in Arsis. 

HooM!: Huh.

DK: He just spends so much time paying attention to small details – like what to eat – that it basically makes him sick. It’s not like he’s dying of AIDS or anything. He’s just a bit ill.

HooM!: So, it’s nothing too serious.

DK: Well it could become serious if he doesn’t start watching what he does. He’s definitely acknowledged his problem and is doing everything he can to fix it right now.

HooM!: It might be a bit premature to ask this, but when can we expect new Arsis music?

DK: Actually, we’re writing. Nick has two or three songs written for the new album already. But it depends, really. The only timeline we have is if we get these four or five dates done in May and we’re feeling good about everything, we’re gonna do another European tour in Fall. Around that time, we’re gonna try to meet up and get something done in the studio.

HooM!: Sweet.

DK: I’m hoping by the end of the year we’ll have something.

HooM!: So am I.

DK: I’m not gonna hold my breath. But it’d be nice. For now, buy the new Borknagar record [laughs].

HooM!: Well, we appreciate your clearing up the Arsis situation.

DK: I see a lot of the stuff that’s written online. As soon as we announced Arsis isn’t doing the Carcass tour, a lot of kids were leaving really asshole-ish comments. First of all, Arsis is not breaking up. There are personal issues not just with James, but with everybody in the band; I’m doing, like, five projects right now. But the band is not breaking up and for kids to assume that, and write comments [to that effect], is completely stupid. Oh Arsis is gonna break up and James Malone is gonna form some gay-ass project. That’s not metal. Metal is all about having fun. [laughs] 

The stuff that I get ripped on for! These little Christian posers that give me shit for the dumbest things ... who cares? It’s metal. If we come around, you’re still gonna come to the show! I think kids need to shut up. If they’re going to make a lot of derogatory comments about bands, then they need to make the sickest possible project ever and sell about 40 million copies of it. Then they can come talk to me. 

SAVING FACELESS, KICKING ARSIS

I wish life came with built-in Benny Hill sound effects cuz a giant boioioioing would've sounded this morning as I peeped the just-announced The Faceless/Arsis/Misery Index/um Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza tour. The awesome but limited run of dates kicks off Feb 21. Where the hell is Lancaster California?  

Anyway, that would've been followed by a Studebaker car horn ah-woo-gah after seeing the roster for the Third Annual California Metal Fest on March 28: Carcass, Suffocation, The Faceless, Arsis, Samael, and more. Carcass! [Horn fanfare] The whole shebangle goes down in Anaheim at The Grove, which is not Disney-owned, so expect no wingnut bans like the House of Whites um that is House of Blues removal of The Faceless from the Meshuggah/Cynic bill on February 1. [Flower wilt slide-whistle] Still, it's a good time to be METAL.

THE HOOM! YEAR IN METAL: THE EPIC NIGHTMARE

9 ARSIS * WE ARE THE NIGHTMARE (Nuclear Blast)

The bad news first: Arsis' We Are The Nightmare has a shamefully thin, undynamic, tweedly mix. I haven't heard such a squeaky, assless EQ since ... I'm gonna have to go back to "Shyboy" by David Lee Roth on my shower radio. Nightmare -- as recorded -- sounds like it was performed by a team of monkeys tapping toothbrushes on milk jugs. Or The Chipmunks doing an album of Carcass covers. The ahem bass drums seem to be in one room and the tangy, shallow snare in another; the bass guitar is in yet another room that has been thoroughly soundproofed. By the third song (the hyper-catchy "Sightless Wisdom"), I get the urge to stand on tiptoe as the helium-packed Nightmare threatens to pass over my head. Bring that shit down! I won't put a jihad on the producers, mixers, and engineers responsible -- nor the label people who allowed the final mix to stick -- they bear the shame of being the We in We Are The Nightmare. A brilliant record but a tragically uncomfortable listen. Damn.

Aaaaanyway, that Nightmare is still one of 2008's best records gives indication to Arsis mastermind James Malone's prowess. He's got a scalding Jeff Walkerian scrowl and busy, freakishly precise guitar hands. We can all agree that there is a definitive moment when we as listeners cross the trust barrier and decide that, yes, this record was created with us in mind and deserves our time and patience. That moment was nearly lost (again, the mix good god the mix) but Malone brought me back with words, not music. The lyrics on Nightmare are awesome (from the album's opening verse, it's apparent that Malone has an ear for the epic) but the words I'm uh talking about are his props to hair rockers Winger in a Decibel Magazine feature; their musicality, Malone stated, is on brilliant display in songs like "Madelaine" and "Headed For A Heartbreak." (Well, that's how I remember his statements; stupid Decibel won't let me read features online.) Elsewhere, Malone vouches for un-loved hair-farmers like Banshee, Vain, and the reviled Roxx Gang and his credibility sags there (really?? Roxx Gang??) but the point is a virtuosic player in the technical death metal realm who studies the hard rock hook and flow ... that's the recipe for brilliance. I'll have another serving, please, and this time can I have some pasta with my sauce?

AUTUMN SNUBFEST FEAT. CAVE-IN * NACHTMYSTIUM * ARSIS

Take it from me: In the music industry, most people won't condescend to even speak with anyone of lesser value; If you can't provide money, drugs, or power, don't bother even parting your lips, loser. Looking at you, Joe McIntyre of New Kids On The Block, who can't fathom how Meat Loaf has more pressing matters than entertaining him on set. The little pimple told OK!: 

During a break I tried to talk to [Meat Loaf] about one of his songs that my cousin and his wife performed at their wedding. He just went, 'Who cares!'

Of course he did. Your cousin's wedding? That is boring as whale shit. That's pretty delusional, but then again you could be idiot Roman Keating of similarly dickless pop group Boyzone. Keating tells Angry Ape:

Thom Yorke from Radiohead was pretty rude. We were at the same hotel in Dublin and I went over to say hello as I'm a big Radiohead fan and he just blanked me. I still love the music -- he's just an idiot."

Bwaa-hahahaha HA! Can you picture this? Yorke's thinking: Oh look, there's that 'No Matter What' twat. Shit, he's seen me. Fuck this guy. He actually thinks he can talk to me, Thom Yorke? See that unnecessary 'h' in my name? That stands for 'haughty'.

'Hey man. I'm Roman. I'm a huge fan.'

" ... "

'How do you like the hotel? Cool sauna, huh?'

" ... "

'Tour's going pretty well, I see. You guys killed last night.'

" [blink] "

'Right. Cheers.'

" [sniff] "

Other notable snubs this week:

• Cave-In bassist/least valuable member Caleb Scofield disses his ex-bandmates' new projects, which we agree with, and demands that Cave-In (above) resume recording and performing, which we also agree with. If we agree, then why are we arguing?

• Don't believe the hype on Nachtmystium -- the members of this band are neither assholes nor nazis. But that doesn't mean Opeth won't kick them the fuck off their tour. 

• There are few things as fun as playing alongside Jim Malone in Arsis. And yet bassist Noah Martin has left the band to return to college. Pfft. Doubt it. I think we all know the real story.
  

YOU CAN ALL BLOW IT OUT YOUR ARSIS

It's probably hard to tell by just reading this, but holy shit I am totally freaked out right now. They told me it was bad; I didn't think it was going to be this bad. No, I'm not talking about the new Rose 'N Roses song "Shackler's Revenge" because that shit is awesome (just like the last official song wAxl put out, "OMG!"). Nor is my terror the result of more fucking Kiss merchandise on the horizon or that Jimmy Page is an A-1 blue-ribbon fucktard.

No, friends, the real mind-blowing, earth-shattering shit is ... It's just so gross. So gross and wrong. Very gross, very very wrong. Watch this clip with extreme caution.

Still alive? Great! Now it's time to rejoice that Van Halen bassist Michael Anthony is popping by the best lil' beach community in the nation and that there's a new Gojira tune here and that Slipknot won't be bullied by dickless authority figures and that Metal Nick at Metal Injection Of Awesomeness just posted fresh live clips of Mastodon, Arsis (below), and some emo dork taking a headstock to the face. Now we ... make ... PARTY!!