SAVING FACELESS, KICKING ARSIS

I wish life came with built-in Benny Hill sound effects cuz a giant boioioioing would've sounded this morning as I peeped the just-announced The Faceless/Arsis/Misery Index/um Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza tour. The awesome but limited run of dates kicks off Feb 21. Where the hell is Lancaster California?  

Anyway, that would've been followed by a Studebaker car horn ah-woo-gah after seeing the roster for the Third Annual California Metal Fest on March 28: Carcass, Suffocation, The Faceless, Arsis, Samael, and more. Carcass! [Horn fanfare] The whole shebangle goes down in Anaheim at The Grove, which is not Disney-owned, so expect no wingnut bans like the House of Whites um that is House of Blues removal of The Faceless from the Meshuggah/Cynic bill on February 1. [Flower wilt slide-whistle] Still, it's a good time to be METAL.

NOT IN NAMM OF COURSE

That guitar shop scene in Wayne's World is totally accurate; in two decades, I've never been able to eye-fuck sweet, shiny guitars without some dingus distracting me with half-ass shreddery. You can just tell they're watching out of the corner of their eye as you're totally not wowed by their sloppy, awkward stab at "Walk With Me In Hell." If you detect a note of jealousy, congratulations smartguy, you're correct; as a godforsaken lefty, I don't get to sit around and demo dozens of guitars all fucking day. Instead, I'm marked as a shoplifter (as I thumb through tab books and fondle effects pedals) or as a retard (as I sorta-play right-handed axes upside-down). Or maybe I play the one dusty lefty model on the floor, usually a total chump guitar for losers. Hey I wanna waste time at the guitar store! I wanna show off my mastery of the "Malpractice" and "Ride The Lightning" solos! Chicks love that shit! Stupid life! 

Anyhow, it's equally irksome that tons of guitar awesomes were clustered at NAMM in Anaheim all weekend, whipping their dongs out for all to admire. Uh metaphorically, of course. But I couldn't finagle entre. Which is ironic, since it's the only time I'd want to see a bunch of guitarists sit on stools and show off. Check out this bastard (above), the dude from The Faceless, uh 'shredding the axe' all over the Washburn booth. Shedding the axe? What did those Japanese guys to the left write this press release?

NOT STONED ENOUGH FOR THE FACELESS

To devote myself to the critical first listen to complicated Metal records, it's essential that I administer proper dosage of my attention deficit medication (pot) lest I be distracted by today's sudoku or those unidentified white spots on my potted palm. Indeed, after ripping a couple um doses, I just stare into the middle distance while nary a nuance escapes my tinitus-dulled hearing. In that state, my concentration is such that I actually can hear smells. Turn down that garlic!

We all know that some records stick to safe confines and require only one listen to comprehend blah bling blarg. But after one spin of the baffling prog-death outing Planetary Duality from Los Angeles sextet The Faceless, my understanding of the album is so superficial that I hesitate to lazily throw around influences (Atheist, Cynic) or contemporaries (Byzantine, Sikth) or even peddle some reviewerese (spellbinding, punishing, challenging). Which means either The Faceless record is awesome, or that I wasn't baked enough. I'd better try again tonight, so while I cancel plans to read to elderly people, listen to all of Planetary Duality and hear what all the confusion is about.