DRAIMAN YOU'RE NEXT

As a high-powered drug-gobbling journalist, I was begged to attend a Word-Of-Mouth screening of the new Seth Rogen comedy Pineapple Express on Monday night. I heart James Franco, Rogen's co-star, for his cuddly depiction of dumbshit hesher Daniel Desario on Freaks And Geeks. Plus, I love pot, so I put some goddamn clothes on and went out to the suburbs. WOM screenings are not test screenings, so nobody fills out little surveys or anything; all the same, it may not be the best idea to terribly upset a couple hundred people before the fucking movie starts. But sure enough, a half-dozen uniformed security goons did just that, wanding and patting down attendees for their mobile phones. Which is intrusive even without all the bullying and piss-ass attitudes those rent-a-cop dicklesses favored. One lady gave up her cell to be bagged-and-tagged, but Mr. Wand guy found a second phone in her bag, leading to a second excessive brow-beating. Pleading, she informed Sgt. Fucknut that her work phone was never to leave her person -- it's part of her job. For all we know she's an invaluable penis surgeon or sex slavery investigator. The security cats have their orders and she eventually gave up the phone, but what a bunch of dicks. So, few were in the mood to laugh after the crotch-search. Oh and the head asshole, with whom I exchanged heated words, stood at the front of the theater throughout the 110 minute movie lest a ninja was among our ranks, covertly capturing footage of the to-be-released-in-40-hours film.

I gladly suffer for my art, so save your sympathy, HooM! Nation, for the poor Disturbed road crew. Not only do they travel the country serving (and visibly affiliated with) earth's worst band, but their goddamn shit crashed last week. From Blabbermouth:

A bus which was transporting members of Disturbed's crew ran off the side of Interstate 95 in Florence County, South Carolina after blowing a tire July 31. The vehicle coasted off the shoulder and slid down an embankment before coming to a stop.

Oh. That's not so bad. I thought they'd hit a mine or some special-ops guys lured the bus into a huge elephant trap. I'll take that sympathy after all. Pineapple Express opens today.

I THINK I'M IN LOVE

Somebody out there is living my dream! From Tampa Bay Online:

A woman became increasingly drunk as the night went on at Tuesday's Rockstar Energy Mayhem Festival in Tampa, Florida and began punching people around her, Hillsborough deputies say.

According to a sheriff's office affidavit: After she began punching people, Danielle Lacie Ferrero, 25, kicked and spat on deputies trying to eject her from the concert.

Yes! At the concerts of yesteryear, drunk crazies would just stumble around harmlessly, cheering in the wrong direction and staining their cut-offs. Even if you'd, say, grind up on some wide-assed secretaries at an Aerosmith show, your shame was minimal and localized. But, thanks to the internet, Ferrero could be the Tila Tequila of today's new breed of proactive, goals-oriented stumblebum, a freedom fighter who valiantly battled against the growing epidemic of Disturbed fandom, one poorly-aimed girlpunch at a time. 

Disturbed At #1 Again: Don't Panic!

Let's all take a deep breath, hold, and release it before our brains seize, crystalize, and shatter at the news that nu-metal assclowns Disturbed officially registered their third consecutive #1 album on Billboard albums chart Wednesday. 

Disturbed's reps are responsible for quite a shitstorm of fluffy plants lately; man, they must be tickled to report that the band, one of history's worst, joins the not very elite three-peat club populated by fellow hall-of-shamers Dave Matthews Band, Staind, and U2 -- as well as real bands Van Halen and System of a Down. 

But don't freak out. The record industry is suffering like Oprah on the wrong side of a cake shop window. And Dicksturd moved 250k of their latest atrocity only because fans of unlistenable pec-core can't smoke meth and download simultaneously. It's wise of Wal-Mart to conveniently display all Disturbed CDs right next to the pseudoephedrine. Zinnnng! 

Alicia Keys' As I Am: One of 199 non-Disturbed albums charted by Billboard

Mission Accomplished: Half Of Shitty Band Talks Briefly With US Soldier

It looks like Disturbed is pulling ahead of Godsmack in the hotly contested race for the coveted Shittiest Excuse For A Band Ever Award. Don't count out Staind, either. From Blabbermouth.net:

Footage of Disturbed members Dan Donegan (guitar) and Mike Wengren (drums) hanging out with a soldier from Cincinnati backstage before the show at Bogart's has been posted online at the group's YouTube channel. The guy had just returned from Iraq during the prior month and presented the band with an American flag, while Disturbed returned the favor with a pair of drumsticks, several guitar picks, and a bass pick.

'The guy?' Guess they didn't have time for his life story: "Yeah, we got it. You're a soldier. You're from Cincinatti. Get over yourself already." Luckily for us, the horribly-worded press release pointed out that Mike Wengren is the band's drummer. 

The press release has Disturbed vocalist David Draiman going on to explain that once you ignore that the soldiers are, y'know, about to go kill people, it's really quite flattering that the cannon fodder brave men and women listen to Dicksturd in preparation for battle. Yeah, Dave, and if you can get over the itching, psoriasis is quite stylish. 

To recap: Shitty band travels exactly seven feet to donate a 11 cents worth of crap (which they get free) to a nameless soldier, nets 40 billable hours for their publicity reps to tell the world. Just think -- they could've budgeted that money to get 'the guy' some body armor for his imminent return to active duty! But instead, they're using him to sell records to idiots! And if 'the guy' lives long enough to show off his souvenirs, it's more exposure for their endorsing pick/drumstick companies. The world is saved! That's 'One Lucky Soldier'!

New album out Tuesday! Free cockpunch with every purchase!