WE INTERRUPT YOUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING

On my short list of Earth's Least Metal People, the cast of CW's Gossip Girl ranks at a hearty #78, between MTV VJ LaLa and that retarded chick who stares wordlessly into her webcam. Well, the following bit of news goes to show how poorly researched HooM! is. From What Would Tyler Durden Do?:  

The Sept. 15 issue of Star reveals that Leighton Meester, who plays Gossip Girl's privileged Blair Waldorf in the hot TV series, was born while her mother was serving a federal prison sentence in Texas. 

The future star was raised by a relative while mom served out her sentence for her role in a major drug-running ring.

And Meester's mom isn't the only member of her family with a record — her father, grandfather and aunt all did hard time in federal prisons for drug dealing!

Yes! Welcome aboard, Leighton (above, on a re-up mission in Koreatown), if that is your real name. When we met that day in Burbank, I sensed a real connection. Turns out it was because we both had heroin bundles crammed up our asses. Call me!

Morbid Angel: Great Look, Good Drummer

For some reason, it's taken two decades for death metal greats Morbid Angel to get my attention. Which is kinda fucked up. The band's scary anti-Christian imagery is awesome! Unlike Carcass, Atheist, and Obituary, MA has more than three good records! Drummer Pete Sandoval's blast beat is perfection! Decibel named Trey Azagthoth (#1) and Erik Rutan (#10) two of death Metal's Top 20 guitarists! 

Predictably, I noticed none of this until the instant that somebody mentioned drugs. 

Rutan's Hate Eternal just released the towering Fury & Flames, an early contender for best Metal album of 2008. Reportedly, F&F is a tribute to the late Jared Anderson, former bassist/vocalist for both Morbid Angel and Hate Eternal who reportedly had some nasty drug addiction issues. He's not the only one! Blabbermouth reports:

According to the web site of the Florida Department of Corrections, former Morbid Angel guitarist Richard Brunelle was released from the Zephyrhills Correctional Institution, located just north of Tampa, on June 21, 2008 after serving 14 months for cocaine possession. Brunelle was in Morbid Angel from 1985 until 1992 and he appeared on the band's first two albums, 1989's Altars of Madness and 1991's Blessed Are The Sick.

Why? Why!? WHY???!!!: Chuck Billy Dumps Dank; AC/DC's Wal-Mart Exclusive; Metallica Nixes Negative Nellies

Once a totally hot girl condescended to sleep with me a bunch of times and it was awesome. Beginning with our first date (a Sunday night screening of Naked Lunch), it was a hot-and-heavy month of late nights, jungle music, and hard drugs. But a shroud of suspicion and paranoia descended upon our love when her roommate's ginormous bag of pot went missing. Sure, I hadn't met them all until mere weeks prior to the, ahem, situation. And I'll admit it: As an Italian, I have a general aura of mistrustfulness. But come on! The roommate kept the approximately quarter-pound of bud cleverly hidden under the coffee table and the apartment's door unlocked. And I didn't even like pot back then! Alas, my pleas fell on deaf ears as the hot girl swiftly and brutally pulled the plug on our rather cinematic romance. I was so shocked!

But that's nothing compared to the nuclear warhead that Testament vocalist Chuck Billy detonated last week. Metal Maniacs reports:

I stopped smoking pot about eight months ago. I'm sure it's going to be a surprise to a lot of people and a lot of bands, 'cause I've smoked a lot of pot over the years with a lot of people [laughs]! Last year we were ... doing a bunch of shows where we were flying every day so I couldn't have my pot on me. ... I had all this great stamina and my voice was stronger. ... So I thought I'd better stick with it and do the record that way. I felt stronger in the studio, I had more confidence and my voice was really powerful.

Shocking! But then Wall Street Journal broke the story that AC/DC's forthcoming album will be sold exclusively at Wal-Mart stores, aka Asshole Central. That the story cites only unnamed sources is slightly encouraging; the band may be unaware and rush to veto the asinine idea.

Unless, of course, Malcolm and Angus Young relate to a company that feasts on the souls of infants. And aim to gouge tank top-wearing losebags who don't listen to music yet enjoy the act of purchasing. And can't think of a better way to encourage illegal downloading.

Fan alienation abounded last week, as Lars Ulrich and Metallica may need additional therapy since by all counts, they're addicted to dickheadery. After previewing a half-dozen tracks from the forthcoming album at a invitation-only listening party, the lame-wads sat back and let the pro-Metallica media -- just Kerrang! and MTV at this point -- praise the shit outta their latest desperate attempt to halt the suckiness that's ripped the band asunder lo these past 17 years. Keep in mind: The writers heard a mere portion of an album once; also, no writer signed a non-disclosure agreement, meaning fair comment rules were in effect. But that didn't stop Metalligement from muscling music writers! Blinded By The Hype quotes Luke Turner, editor of The Quietus [UK]:

The Quietus and other websites ran pieces on the [Metallica] album, but were quickly contacted by Metallica's management via a third party and told to remove the articles. ... As no non-disclosure agreement had been signed, [The Quietus] was not prepared to remove it merely due to the demands of [Q Prime]. Seems Metallica's fear of the internet shows no sign of abating.

No comment from Metallica's camp. Well? We're waaaaaaaiting!

Asstallica Frontman James Hetfield, Formerly Of Metal Band Metallica

Finally! A Victory For Drugs

People Magazine reports that CSI star Gary Dourdan, who was charged with three counts of felony drug possession after he was found passed out in his car early April 28, will skate on all counts. Oh wait, he'll be 'required' to complete a 16-class treatment program. 

Everybody knows CSI and its spin-offs are retarded, but this guy is totally metal! I mean, at the time of arrest, he was holding cocaine and ecstasy and heroin. The trifecta! And though he may've been facing three years in jail, he won't even serve three minutes! Yes! Now, it's true: He's a famous actor and is above the law. But I'm counting it, folks. Yay drugs! 

Here's a picture of the goofball enthusiast:

I think I sold this guy two dimebags in Loring Park last month. See? When celebrities evade the draconian laws which mangle the lives of mortals, we all win!