Why? Why!? WHY???!!!: Chuck Billy Dumps Dank; AC/DC's Wal-Mart Exclusive; Metallica Nixes Negative Nellies

Once a totally hot girl condescended to sleep with me a bunch of times and it was awesome. Beginning with our first date (a Sunday night screening of Naked Lunch), it was a hot-and-heavy month of late nights, jungle music, and hard drugs. But a shroud of suspicion and paranoia descended upon our love when her roommate's ginormous bag of pot went missing. Sure, I hadn't met them all until mere weeks prior to the, ahem, situation. And I'll admit it: As an Italian, I have a general aura of mistrustfulness. But come on! The roommate kept the approximately quarter-pound of bud cleverly hidden under the coffee table and the apartment's door unlocked. And I didn't even like pot back then! Alas, my pleas fell on deaf ears as the hot girl swiftly and brutally pulled the plug on our rather cinematic romance. I was so shocked!

But that's nothing compared to the nuclear warhead that Testament vocalist Chuck Billy detonated last week. Metal Maniacs reports:

I stopped smoking pot about eight months ago. I'm sure it's going to be a surprise to a lot of people and a lot of bands, 'cause I've smoked a lot of pot over the years with a lot of people [laughs]! Last year we were ... doing a bunch of shows where we were flying every day so I couldn't have my pot on me. ... I had all this great stamina and my voice was stronger. ... So I thought I'd better stick with it and do the record that way. I felt stronger in the studio, I had more confidence and my voice was really powerful.

Shocking! But then Wall Street Journal broke the story that AC/DC's forthcoming album will be sold exclusively at Wal-Mart stores, aka Asshole Central. That the story cites only unnamed sources is slightly encouraging; the band may be unaware and rush to veto the asinine idea.

Unless, of course, Malcolm and Angus Young relate to a company that feasts on the souls of infants. And aim to gouge tank top-wearing losebags who don't listen to music yet enjoy the act of purchasing. And can't think of a better way to encourage illegal downloading.

Fan alienation abounded last week, as Lars Ulrich and Metallica may need additional therapy since by all counts, they're addicted to dickheadery. After previewing a half-dozen tracks from the forthcoming album at a invitation-only listening party, the lame-wads sat back and let the pro-Metallica media -- just Kerrang! and MTV at this point -- praise the shit outta their latest desperate attempt to halt the suckiness that's ripped the band asunder lo these past 17 years. Keep in mind: The writers heard a mere portion of an album once; also, no writer signed a non-disclosure agreement, meaning fair comment rules were in effect. But that didn't stop Metalligement from muscling music writers! Blinded By The Hype quotes Luke Turner, editor of The Quietus [UK]:

The Quietus and other websites ran pieces on the [Metallica] album, but were quickly contacted by Metallica's management via a third party and told to remove the articles. ... As no non-disclosure agreement had been signed, [The Quietus] was not prepared to remove it merely due to the demands of [Q Prime]. Seems Metallica's fear of the internet shows no sign of abating.

No comment from Metallica's camp. Well? We're waaaaaaaiting!

Asstallica Frontman James Hetfield, Formerly Of Metal Band Metallica